The Four Horsemen
Lies, Fears, Insecurites, and self doubt
The song played “I can’t go on without you” sung by Kaleo and as I basked in my sorrow from things lost and misplayed. I let what was left wash over me, and a small voice yelled from the depths of my mind. The voice begged and pleaded with me to listen, but for so long it was the faint sound of a voice ignored. With every pass of the sun, the voice got a bit louder, and I realized the song wasn’t playing out of the fear of what I lost or the thought that she was needed. The voice was whispering to me that you can’t go on without yourself. It was never the things you lost. It was never the memory replayed. It wasn’t about a single specific day. It was about you. You can’t go on without yourself, and the universe wanted you to know it this entire time. The universe knew what you needed and as you let your heart take the brunt of what was lost. You are the one who forgot to bring yourself on this journey and the rebuild is actually just building. No matter the cracks in your soul you are still here, still standing, still remaining and you have found a truth that so many lose.
You can not go on without you. You are made up of good, bad and the undiscovered. The four horsemen are real and if you don’t truly bring you with you and confront them no matter how outnumbered or outgunned you find yourself you’ll re-read this chapter. The story you tell yourself matters and a large part of that story is found in the confrontation of your lies, fears, insecurities, and self-doubt. The ability to live and be a complete person exists in their defeat. What choice will you make? I’ve told myself every lie imaginable, sold every false bill of goods I could. At the end of this tale, I was fresh out of places to hide. So alone in a room meant for two. I decided something had to be done.
I had no clue how or where to start, so I picked up a pen and wrote the things I heard about myself that I knew to be true. The things that I rejected, accepted and I didn’t want to head out loud. I continued to write everything I didn’t like and how the choices I made were short-sighted and how I knew they would come back to bite me. I knew this because in the end you only cared about you.
I traveled this path dragging so many through my bullshit. Never stopping to realize that they were injured, torn, battered and bruised. Left bleeding from my lies and indiscretions. The people I was supposed to love and hold were now a victim to every lie told, insecurity denied, the doubt you let wash over every thought. All out of the fear that they wouldn’t love you when they saw you without the mask. The mask I wore so proudly so rather than dealing with the truth. I filled my heart with fast times, empty nights and destruction bred through my own screwed up verison of the story. These things whatever they might be, played a part in the destruction of everything I was. When I made those decisions, I chipped pieces away with no clue if I get to see those parts ever again. What I do know is when I lift my head up from the muck and mud what I can come to find is a soul alone or wasted but not out of the fight.
I believe you can make a comeback and well I have to think that. I have to believe that I/we can go on to be better people and not for someone else but for ourselves complete and whole. Last year I read about Kintsugi which is the Japanese art of repairing things with gold. I think the holes, cracks and missing pieces that we all have should be taken care of in the same manner. Fill them with gold. Take your damage and what might have been done either by yourself or as a result of what you let in your world. Regardless of how it was broken it/you still deserve to be repaired. Hopefully those left in your wake see and know the same. I hope those weary from the damage I caused fill their cracks with gold. I hope you find the strength to know that you are the only one you can’t go on without and that it might not be fun or a great time in the moment but what you seek can only be found by you. Face those things, fill those holes and fill them with the gold.
Confessions Of A Human