Irreverent Immobility

What does it mean when I’m so overwhelmed by everything occurring out there in the global psyche that I find myself reverting into virtual silence?

My latest gesture is performed at least 3 times per day:

write an excruciatingly long, inebriated, vitriolic response to a social media post and, after editing and finalizing it, backspace-erase.

Yes, that’s right.

Now, it’s enough to physically type-swype it, and then in turn, watch it percussively disappear.

I feel relief that I got it out of my head, shame that I’m too cowardly to contribute to the global platform, and excitement that I can still perform a pretend privacy.

Is this silent gesture connected to my growing fear of the outside world, be it simulated or face-2-face?

To the knowledge that everything I do is being observed through numerous entice-me-2-participate lenses?

Am I protesting the surveillance and corporatization of my thoughts?

Refusing to be branded?

Or am I merely recognizing that I don’t care if anyone reads my responses because I don’t want my voice to matter?

Do I self-censor to evade the possible scrutiny and censorship of others?

To prevent myself from saying the wrong thing at the right time or the right thing at the wrong time?

I’ve done too many things I wish I didn’t, arrogantly called out others when I’m really condemning myself for past regretful behavior, and become too cynical to think that anything I do will make any changes.

This self-criticism has evolved into seeing myself in everyone regardless of how repugnant and disgusting they might be.

And so, the silence continues.

I remain irreverently immobile.

Let the emojis talk for me.

mrrr...