insignificant

“Stop making things about you” — what I’ve been telling myself over the past 7 days lepas kena bebel dengan Ihsan. Rasa bersalah kat Mayang sebab dragged her into my 4 years of sufferings on her social media wall. Seriously, Maryam, kau siapa?

Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Exactly. In the grand scheme of things, I can drop dead and no one would notice my absence except my parents, my brother and a handful of friends. They will mourn my death and then move on with their lives, as I would want them to.

I realise this and that’s why I watch documentaries about the universe, its unimaginable size makes me forget that I was ever significant.

I miss all my lovers, some more than others. They’ve all left me now except for one, whom I don’t know when I’ll meet again. I wonder if they’d mourn for my death should I ever go first? Why do they always go without saying goodbye? Would they ever ask me how I was doing during their abandonment?

Ah, here I go making myself center of the universe again.

As a new personal policy, I shall now ask people how was their day and how are they doing. I wanna know what their thoughts are or what interests they’re currently pursuing, without me unnecessarily steering the topic back to my miserable life.

I’ve got to overcome my narcissism and just… start listening.