Mrz. Neptune Violet’s Guide To Happy Bottoming
Girls poop. You do too. This guide gets messy so you don’t later.
Hello all. It’s Mrz. Neptune Violet, your favorite female presenting, male-bodied, gender fluid model pornographer, here. Of my many favorite things to do, the act and art of anal sex is foremost on my list of loves. In short (or long…it really depends on the day), after some 15 years of partaking in the act — to save you from me being overly verbose about how I do what I do, here’s an interlude from a woman who has perfectly voiced so many of my thoughts and actions, Lil Kim:
I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips to the shit
Handle it like a real bitch
Heather Hunter, Janet Jacme
Take it in the butt, yah, yazz what?!?!?
Anal sex is much harder than reciting bars of Lil Kim’s “Big Momma Thang” three times, clicking together your five-inch Pleasers and getting on your hands and knees. It’s a process that foremost must come from a place of true appreciation for intense sex, heightened awareness of one’s need for sexual pleasure, and moreover a desire to truly please one’s sexual partner.
This is separated into ten sections. Scroll through the highlighted sections or read in its entirety. It — like choosing to lie down, flat-back on a shipping crate and put your legs over someone’s shoulders — is your choice!
YOUR ASSHOLE IS A PLEASURE CENTER
Research the science of the human body and note that the membranes attached to your sphincter muscles — the ones that control the opening and closing of the anus — are a series of hyper-sensitive nerve endings that are highly responsive to pressure. To this fact, no greater source than the Atlanta Journal-Constitution lists the perineum — the space between the anus and the scrotum, or otherwise, generally where a finger or dildo fits comfortably — as the number six overall pleasure center on the entire male body.
That being said, it’s also important to note that…
ANAL ORGASMS ARE ASS-TOUNDING
The prostate is a small walnut-sized gland at the end of the anal cavity that produces one of semen’s main components. When it’s massaged to the point of hardening — passionately, seductively, roughly…guess what, your choice! — it does not cause semen to leak from your asshole. Rather, it produces prostatic (pre- penile orgasm) fluid forcefully into the urethra in such a way that the contraction creates a very real sense of orgasmic pleasure. Manipulating a part of the human body that was not necessarily meant to be touched is an incredible mystery of the human body, now revealed.
A SATISFIED PARTNER IS THE BEST PARTNER
Entrusting a partner with the sensitive physical magic that makes you, well, the magical sensitive creature that you are should be enough to ensure that your partner is, on one level, happy and satisfied. However, there’s a layer to this satisfaction that is worth considering, too.
As a male-presenting sexual partner, there’s something uniquely erotically intoxicating and possibly very emotionally healthy in engaging in some sort of “role-play reversal” of consensual play that involves you relaxing your body and allowing your partner the ability to let their digit or member probe deeper or more for forcefully into you. There’s something about attempting to create a mutual sense of relaxation during play/sex that can create a unexpected level of joy and pleasure as mutual benefits.
However, that being said, it’s also important to note that…
STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE
Safety is essential. If at any point you feel like a dildo, finger, or anything entering your anus is uncomfortable in any way, it’s absolutely best to stop what you’re doing and think about what needs to be done to ensure that you’re having a quality and fulfilling experience in every way. There’s no right answers to “what is good anal sex?” Pictured to the left are eight of the double-digit number of toys that have successfully provided me incredible anal joy in 2019. Do note that they are seven different lengths, widths, materials, and diameters. Why? Well, on some days, when Tantus’ Ringo is just too heavy (heavy heavyyyy…couldn’t resist), the company’s Champion takes home the gold. There are just so many, all quite amazing ways to enjoy anal sex. If it hurts, it needn’t.
To that point…
THIS IS INDEED A SCENE, IT’S NOT A GOD-DAMNED ARMS RACE
Just because I find fantastic comfort in receiving dildos that are roughly similar in size to my own penis does not mean that you have to feel that this is an immediately attainable goal. The anus, as previously noted, is a series of nerves. If you’re thinking that being a “size kween” is the only way to enjoy anal, stop right now…it’s not. Because, again, the ass is a series of nerve endings, one person’s pleasure is another person’s absolute immediate, searing, mood-destroying pain. Beat this notion into your head, daily, and I assure you that your enjoyment of anal will heighten immediately.
That being said…
THE BODY IS AN INTELLIGENT MACHINE. IT IS FLEXIBLE. YOUR ASSHOLE IS ON YOUR BODY. THUS, YOUR ASSHOLE IS INTELLIGENT AND FLEXIBLE. STRETCH THIS INTELLIGENT, FLEXIBLE ASSHOLE.
Anal training is totally a thing, and is absolutely a thing worth doing. Yes, that absolutely means sitting around for hours on end wearing a butt plug. However, if taking a larger dildo or more intense action is what you desire, it’s absolutely worth it. Most “anal training kits” come in three increasing sizes. Start with whatever feels comfortable, i.e. causes the least obvious discomfort to your anus. From there, over a two-week to three-month cycle, extend your training over the sizes available. If feeling comfort at the largest size, size up a quarter of an inch in diameter, but do not increase length.
It takes the human mind 20 hours — or 45 minutes a day, for a month — to become conditioned to the level of being pretty good at accepting that anything is something that it can do. Then, as any good bodybuilder will tell you, muscle memory takes two weeks of work four days a week, of hour-long workout, to develop. Extend that over the life of a twelve-week training cycle, and depending on how intensely you work to create higher levels of muscle memory, the level of dildo you can accept comfortably varies. With concerted, regular work in both the bedroom and otherwise, anything (within reason) is possible.
AH, YES. FINALLY. GIRLS POOP.
Maybe the most frightening idea to consider is the thought of yes, being a little less than clean when deciding to pursue anal sex, or even worse, having anal trigger your desire to void your bowels on the spot. Well, as someone who has spent nearly two decades sticking things into my ass for fun, I have more than a few thoughts on the matter of how to avoid both of these things occurring.
Staying 100% clean every single time is impossible. Full stop. Just quit before you ask. Enemas are a solution, but the need to engage in the type of enema that fills your bowels and intestines to the point where your stomach bloats…well, a) if you’re there for it, it feels good in a whole other way semi-related to anal, and b) it’s largely unnecessary because if you’re using a toy or hand that extends past the anal cavity and into your upper bowel tract and intestines, then…yeah. That’s…something. All that generally needs to be clean technically? The anal cavity and lower bowels. And that, that’s easy to do with a saline enema found at your local drug store.
WHAT TO EAT, WHY TO EAT IT, AND HOW TO FAST FOR ANAL SEX
Moreover, as far as how to avoid shitting the bed…or the floor…or the shower…or your kitchen (four-for-four, y’all, no runs, no drips…no errors!), consider fasting for 12 hours prior to any anal engagement. As well, ensure that your last meal prior to fasting is something lean, fresh, and fiber-heavy. Rare will you ever see my refrigerator without chicken breasts, leafy salads, and yogurt or oatmeal. The reason? Well, obvious! As well, drinking minimally a quart of water (I drop a nuun tablet into my water for a slight boost of caffeine and electrolytes) 12 hours before shooting ensures that when my bowels flush, they flush clean, quickly, and with as little muss as humanly possible. Also, as an added bonus, if ABSOLUTELY serious about this, I’d suggest Pure for Men supplements. Regularly taken twice daily with water, I’ll leave it to the description from their website to say the rest:
Chia, Flaxseed, Psyllium and Aloe inside of each capsule swell to form a soft-but-solid mass. The expanded fiber begins to pass safely through your digestive tract, binding to food particles and any waste left along the way. The process is a lot like a soft sponge cleaning up behind your meals, providing an excellent medium to help maintain the flow of elimination and keep your runway “clear for landing”.
Yes, another miracle of modern science! And yes, they work!
Foods to avoid? Anything fatty, red meat, heavily spiced, or dairy. Oily foods take three times as long to digest. As far as red meat, twice as long. Dairy takes eight hours, and well, spicy foods can inflame the rectal cavity. An inflamed rectal cavity ensures that nerve endings are more sensitive than usual, thus swollen and inflamed.
AND FINALLY, REST AND MEDITATION ARE ESSENTIAL
Sudden anal sex is an invention of pornography meant to induce orgasms. Sudden penis-vaginal intercourse, by comparison, is possible, yet still largely an invention of the pornographic film industry….meant to induce orgasms. But you’re here for the butt stuff, so let’s get back to the butt stuff. Anal sex, unlike vaginal sex, is a compassionate act requiring extraordinary patience, an advanced knowledge of the physiology of the human body, and amazing skill in oftentimes using something that’s the size and firmness of a cucumber to massage something that’s the size and firmness of a cherry tomato. Thus, for the bottom, rest is essential and meditation is key.
To loop this back to earlier, if you’re fasting for 12 hours, the easiest way to prepare is to plan for eight hours of sleep to occur during hours that you’re fasting. For me for instance, say I’m flying somewhere to shoot a scene. This makes life easy. Ideally, if I’m shooting relatively close to home at noon on a Saturday, I’ll eat a late dinner, then start fasting at midnight. I wake up by 6 AM, in a peaceful and confident frame of mind because, let’s be frank, I typically need to go to the restroom as soon as I wake up. From there, it’s shower, get dressed, go to the airport, and then slide on my earbuds to meditate from the time I arrive, to the time I’m on the plane, then by the time I’m actually present at the shoot location, I’m well-rested, calm, focused, and able to really relax into the enjoyment of what’s occurring.
IN CONCLUSION
Anal sex, in many ways, is about something greater than having a dildo stuffed where the sun doesn’t shine. Rather, it’s about knowing that your body is a vessel that is at its best when receiving adequate amounts of health and pleasure. Fingering, fisting, pegging, probing or just experiencing a good old fashioned session of love-making in one’s anal cavity should not cause psychological and/or physical discomfort. Instead, it should be the gateway to unlimited pleasure.
If female (or male) presenting, male-bodied, and looking for more information about anal sex, here’s a great resource from Kinkly. As well, this is far from an exhaustive resource. Just consider this some helpful suggestions from an experienced friend!
A special thanks to Princess Dandy for suggesting I write this. Her playroom in New England is a magical chamber where she creates consensual depraved delights, but as well is an invaluable community resource on multiple levels. My highest recommendations.
