How I really feel today
Sadly, As far as I can remember, for my whole existence, this is the worst thing that I am going through. Thinking about it, this is not a huge problem that I would die, but this is something that kills me in every aspect.
Where is this coming from? Well, WORK.
I am suffering from burn out with a mild depression.
And me just thinking about it cannot deny the fact that it makes me feel more depressed.
This started last February, when I stopped going to church because I would really choose to rest as the work load was too heavy for me then and now it is more than enough. This is FAR MORE THAN what I can carry.
I feel like I am being chased by a monster.
And as I have observed, these are the effects of my situation now:
- I am too cranky with my friends and family. I acquired a really bad temper that even when they are just asking me how am I, I would simply tell them to not talk to me because I would rather not talk about anything to them. I know that my parents are the people most hurt by me but this became one of my personality that makes me sad. I know it is wrong but sometimes I would not care.
- Work became more important than my students. Last year, I have a heavy workload, but I never complained because I love the students, and I really care for them. Today, I wanted to love my students and establish a good relationships with them. However, since my work demands more time, I choose to work than to spend time with them.
- I have become a negative thinker. And even if I would hear too many things as my loved ones would try to encourage me, I would feel enlighten a bit, but I will be negative again. The work is consuming me.
- I hear the Holy Spirit talk to me in so many ways, but I would reject. I go to Him and I seek Him and it is true that I find peace in His presence. But I find myself consumed by the work the next morning.
- Everytime I think about work, I cry…literally. Sometimes, as I teach Math and I would think about my work load, I would face the board and write something but tears would start falling from my eyes. It is hard to hide it from the students. It is really consuming me.
February to August to I do not know how I would survive spiritually. This is really killing me.