An open letter to my friends

If you receive this it is because I class you as a friend or someone who has impacted my life at some point. See it as a social experiment. Please don’t see it as a cry for help.

I have completely ground to a holt. This past year has knocked the stuffing out of me in a way I never thought life could. Yeah I’ve been through some shit before but never to this level. I am plagued with depression and it’s robbing me of life. Most mornings I wake and it feels like groundhog day. By 10:30 am I have no energy left, it’s gone. I usually crawl back into bed and try and sleep to muster the energy to complete the second half of the day.

I have been travelling a lot lately because it seems to be the only thing that can stir my soul. I have taken self care to the next level and the pills I’m popping, I have been assured, will work one day. But it’s rotten. Especially given my nature. For those who know me, I am the most optimistic person. That’s what makes it hard. “Don’t moan Em” I say to myself. “Snap out of it”. But I have to admit most of the time it is like trawling through jam. I have tried to be as open as possible about the state of my mental health but I can appreciate for those who have never been afflicted by it before. Quite often, it just doesn’t make sense. It’s vile and it’s certainly not optional. No inspirational quote or PMA (positive mental attitude) can snap you out of it. I’ve learnt recovery is a long and more importantly, a slow process. I have tried more than anything to be patient with myself. This whole thing doesn’t really compliment my ambitions to “take over the world”.

Since leaving my family home (and marriage) 7 months ago with nothing but my shoes and dignity I have somehow managed to rebuild a life for me and my son. I can only put this down to God (I appreciate some people don’t have an appreciation for that so please feel free to replace that word with “universe”, “luck” or “Allah” for all I care but that’s my stance on it). The wonder of it all floors me daily. From the people who took us in to the provision of finance and even to all the adventures that I have been on that are gradually restoring my soul. It’s been wondrous and one day I will write about it all. But part of my problem now is that I don’t only want to survive. I want to thrive for both me and my son. But as I lift my head and start to figure out how to do that. I have no idea. I will never return to the person I was before. But I have no idea where to place my footing next. My CV is awesome, my ambition endless. But it’s like I have forgotten who I am and what I am capable of. The only way I can describe it is like trying to turn an engine on and you just get that noise. You know, the one where you know the car is buggered. I guess I have spent so long in this period I have forgotten to look up. Just focused on the task in hand. Of building a new life and waving off the old one. I get so stuck in this head of mine. Telling myself things like “you’ve messed up here”, “you may never have a career again”, “you look like crap” but do you know what. I know deep down it’s all lies. But I have truly lost the notion of who I am and what I am capable of. Pride tells me keep that fact to yourself but I am saying “no”. I am surrounded by awesome people. I want to let them remind me of who I am . The ones who have witnessed me first hand. So here goes. If you receive this in your inbox, it will come with a note on how you impacted my life. I won’t ham it up. It may just be simple. But it will be a reminder of how we can impact lives of others even when we don’t notice we are doing it. All I ask is that you do the same in return. I am determined to recover from this period. I may just need a little help (from my friends).

Love and authenticity,

Emily

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