I wear chicken fillets to the gym, here’s why.

Chicken fillets are weird. They are on par with eyelash curlers. Something I would look at and turn my head and go, what are they? The kind of accessory that confuses boys and is sold in Superdrug.

Who even created them? Hold on let me research that.

I have no idea and to be honest, I am a millennial, I haven't got time, if google doesn’t return my search in the first attempt, then it ain’t happening. Feel free to fill me in at some point.

Back to the point. This year, I bought my first bikini in 7 years. It was a weird experience. Like going into a club I had been barred from for many years. I was sure the cashier was going to pull me and question “hold on, didn’t we ban you from ever picking one of those up?”. I was more nervous than I should have been. But I picked a fair few up and glided across the shop floor to the changing rooms. I put it on. It was high waisted and vertically striped. No word of a lie, I felt like Ursula Andress.

Number 2, a high legged red swimming costume. I felt like Pammy and even questioned if I could legally look this hot in a family friendly gym. Surely there was some kind of legislation against that?

The only thing that got me was my puppies. Bangers. Jugs. Whatever you want to call them, lets say they looked a little sad.

How could I ever rock this swimwear without having a banging pair? I considered leaving it all there on the peg in the changing room. Really? You were going to allow that to happen? After you got yourself in the shop, tried it on, felt smoking and now you were going to let that come between you and your opportunity to turn heads poolside? My inner monologue wrestled and I remembered my cure for most ill fitting things. Chicken fillets.

So now I prance along. Actually pretending I’m Pammy and do you know what, it’s boss.

Peace and no judgement (unless you perv at me poolside without your glasses on),