Stuck on a Rut

Okay. I’m just gonna put it all out here.

I haven’t exactly been productive. I tried, but failed. Day by day, I did. I guess some would agree that sure, it’s some form of success and I do make some little movements somehow. But it’s still not enough I think.

I don’t even know what’s wrong. I just decided I should write again cause I’ve been stuck in this for so long already and a lot of things are already taking on its toll, like work for example.

I’ve been lacking focus and motivation and I don’t sincerely understand what is happening. I’m not even sure if I have a problem. I’m not thinking about anything too much either — probably just trying to figure out the reasons why I’m being stuck.

Reasoning out to myself, I thought maybe somehow i’m stressed with what’s happening around me today with politics and all the negative news. You know how they say that external factors can also affect one personally? I think that’s one of the culprits for sure.

I was also thinking maybe it’s my relationship status and that sort of shit but every time I come to think about it, I get to the reason why I’m happy like this anyway and move on.

Okay, so I guess it’s the whole politics thing. Maybe I am pretty much affected especially since my mother’s soooo into the whole thing, we literally hold debates during breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It’s toxic and the problem is, since she’s so devoted into it, her emotions are affected and with me being the still-somehow-nice kid who has to leave the house just to work or for no special reason at all, has to ask for her permission and sometimes I just can’t go.

You know?

Ugh. It’s just so annoying that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

This could be my version of a mid-life crisis. Crap. I’m dying at 46.