A Day in my Drunk Life

i wanted to give you a glimpse of what being a full-blown, functioning mother, sister, employee, deadly alcoholic looks like.

it isn’t pretty, but it’s real.

6:00 AM — alarm goes off, i wake up and feel puffy, usually from crying over a fight with a boyfriend or from the constant alcohol, i hit snooze a few times — and drag my shaking body to the kitchen and pour a shot of mint liquor, i slam it — take a pull from the bottle, make coffee and have a few sips.

6:45 — shower in hot hot hot hot water, and i usually have to have my hands pressed against the wall to stand without being dizzy, i constantly would forget if i had washed my hair — so i would wash it usually, a few times.

7:00 — i would start to feel normal — again, no shakes, no sweating — i would usually take another small pull from the bottle before waking tenley — and getting her dressed and fed (i was also really impatient with her, she is NOT a morning person and i was always behind).

7:30 — stop and get TWO shooters of fireball, and try to down them after tenley was dropped of at school.

sidebar: if we are talking towards the end of my spiral — i would generally vomit on my steering wheel trying to get them to go all the way down, i was becoming physically ill towards the end.

8:00 — functioning fully (and i say that with truth) — i was good at my jobs, but i began to slip, forget things, be half-assed in meetings — shoots. i was able to fool most people i worked with, others i think began to notice my demeanor from bubbly and bright went to stressed, tired and irritable. i even remember a co-worker telling me i looked haggard, once. thanks, rick! i felt it too.

usually during work i was focused and present, i was dealing with a range of emotions, my friends were getting tired of my shenanigans, which meant that i would be so drunk by evening that i couldn’t hang out, or really be available for anyone, unless of course, you had booze.

12:00 — usually i would drive to this dumpy STAR gas station, and i made really great friends with the owner — he even asked for a picture to take home with him when he decided to move back to India, he was kind — and would have two shooters of vodka waiting for me, and perrier (in glass which he ordered for me, because, trashy AND fancy). if you looked in my middle console you would find at least 4o shooter bottles — i had to dump them every few days.

i would usually puke again trying to get those down.

5:00 — leave work and stop for 2 shooters, before picking up tenley or going to take care of opal. if i had tenley, i would make sure i had a bottle in the freezer, to take pulls off of — i didnt have beer or wine visible, where she could see it. i would make dinner, get her taken care of, play with her, read — and cuddle until bedtime.

9:00 — i would take two or three shots before bed, usually do some facebook or internet lurking on relationships i had felt insecure in — which usually would be met with more booze, and a fight or crying myself to sleep.

if i woke up in the middle of the night, i would drink from the bottle in the freezer.

that was my life, that was my day. alcohol and addiction consumed me.

every. single. part.

now — starting with that as a base for daily life, add: 
broken relationships, money problems, sickness, change, joy — all of it was muddied, and it took almost three years of painstakingly climbing from the trenches to even write that.

i want to also point out when i checked in to inpatient rehab in october 2014, i blew .371 — after 12 hours of not drinking.

somewhere in 2014, holding on to a counter to stand

my life is incredibly different now, and i will fill you in on that soon!

never say it’s too low, or youve done too much, you haven’t — it’s taken me three years to get the real resolve of continued recovery — there is no timeline, the only importance in your life is you, everything else follows suit.

i urge you, lovers, friends and family members of the addicted and broken, please consider that they are not morally inept but simply cannot chose you. i needed professional help, without which i wouldn’t be here, sharing this with you.

my love has never changed, it was lost.

xx