Being an Alcoholic Made Me a Better Mother.

before you get defensive of how awful that sounds. let me explain a few things. if you have you followed my stories at all you will know that my drinking career didn’t start until i was divorced and about 25. i spent my high school years, being an outspoken, probably annoying, high school jesus freak. that passion followed me to college, where i went naturally reflected evangel university. i loved my four years at evangel, and maintain incredible friendships with those that walked those army barracks with me (evangel students now have no idea how nice their buildings are currently). you sign a convenant to attend a faith-based school, which i did — no sex, alcohol and dancing, and i stayed true to that. in hindsight, i wish i would have tested the waters a little bit, but don’t tell anybody, i could get fined (evangel joke).

i digress.

i think tenley was maybe 2–3 when i decided i would start drinking. it was moscato — the sweetest kind you could find, generally really sweet. i never felt odd, or buzzed. i think now in hindsight that should have been an indication of tolerance, but if you are surrounded by drinkers, active drinkers — everyone’s truth is a little distorted.

the last three years have been a whirlwind — from the lowest of the lows (imagine with me, seeing a grown women, clinging to her pillow in a nightgown, with fuzzy socks on, missing a tooth — because that was who i was walking in those doors in inpatient. i also have been able to have a pretty kick-ass, stellar recovery process, that has been a tiresome but so worthy process.

how does being an alcoholic make me a better mother? there are few key reasons. this all sort of ties in with the theory of “desirable disadvantages” — if you missed that post, check it out!

i was a very loving and kind mother, as most women naturally fill that role. tenley has always been a child of bright curiosity and radiates joy wherever she flutters. when my nights began to fill with drinking, that turned into days — turned into weeks, turned into months, and before you know it everything was unraveling.

i looked through her, i was tired, irritable — half assing my way through a job, i loved — but couldn’t find any additional strength for. i was disengaged, always planning my next stop for alcohol and/or planning to have care on weekends i did have her, because “it’s normal to drink with friends”. her joyful mother, became sad, tired and uninterested.

that is one of the hardest truths i will ever have to swallow. to say to you — and mean it, when you put tenley on the table and alcohol, i will choose alcohol. it took me years, to figure out why and what that meant — and i accept that it isn’t a choice, once you are at that point, you are a passenger on the train of doom.

the last year and a half of sobriety have been the hardest moments in my life. i was broken, poor — unhealthy, starting my career completely over. i got creative. i saved everything i could, learned to budget correctly, attended night classes, rode the bus two hours every morning (a very unfortunate consequence of an OWI). the first year of that, i white knuckled it all — i was happy to be alive, but not yet appreciative of what that entailed. i found myself jealous of my old life, prior to sobriety. when i really put forth the effort that this deserved — my whole life shifted.

here are the ways it makes me better, and i believe that statement above with every fiber in my being. i think one of the hardest things for any parent to do — is admit they failed their children.

but, i did it. i failed tenley — i wasn’t the mother she deserved or needed or asked for. i scared and worried my daughter.

THIS IS IMPORTANT — shame kept me spiraling out of control. i didn’t want to accept that i had done this — i love tenley, more than anything in this worth and earth. when i am drinking i am not choosing that, i cannot choose. which is the importance of sobriety and recovery. i see so many excellent parents weighted with defeat. i see the stress, the sagging shoulders and bloodshot eyes.

YOU CAN GET BETTER. YOU CAN BE BETTER. YOUR CHILD WILL RESPECT YOUR FIGHT, and love you fiercely for it.

tenley and i are cloer — than ever, we talk openly about my past and my choices. she isn’t walking forward with a mom that hides or shames horrible behavoir or consequences or alcoholism, she is walking forward with my recovery, hand in hand with me. she is learning to overcome the worst case scenario and be the best version of herself she can.

your children are your biggest fans, they love unconditionally and will forgive you in a heartbeat ( but do not take advantage of a soft heart, they become adults who remember)— they want you to be YOU. if that means taking time to go to rehab, DO IT, if that means changing jobs, DO IT, if that means getting medication to help curb chemical imbalances, DO IT. your children are watching you fall, but more importantly — watching you stand back up dust your knees and shoulders off and grabbing them too, brushing the dirt from their knees, walk forward, together. because, you are worth it, and it is never too late. ever.

it’s affected not only our relationship but most of my life.

relationships: it took me a long time to understand the needs versus wants concept, i need someone who loves me, as is and can share that love with a smaller version of me. she is watching me in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic who put sobriety first, and watching the interaction of what i think i deserve in a partner. thankfully, my partner, emits so many qualities that i would want for her to experience, she sees: love practiced and given without condition, she sees disagreement become solutions, and finally she sees me valuing myself, first, knowing that i can’t be a partner or mother, if i am drinking.

financially stable: alcoholism took away a LOT of money from me, but also taught me how to plan a budget when my one source of debt was rejected. she watches me budget, and think about where i put my money — and time.

job: i was able to be candid about my alcoholism past, and that makes me better prepared if i begin to feel stressed or anxious, drinking on the job became very easy and usually is for most addicts, it’s not purposeful — it’s to survive at that point. when you stop, you shake, you crave, your body does everything it can to get you temporary relief. i shared openly my past with my boss, the first interview — because for me, it’s life or death. i don’t suggest that you share intimate details of your life if they aren’t necessary but for this position, i needed to be candid, and was respected.

here is the takeaway: i am a better mother, because i have fought hard to be one, again. my moments with tenley are an adventure, that was off track for a few years. i am a better mother because i value the little moments, even the bad moments, because when you are acceptant of death — you become very much alive, if you are given a second chance. joy is more joyful, silence is more warming, love is bigger and loud.

this isn’t without pain — 50% of my time is without my little radiant pixie, i find myself sinking into that dark hole of loniless and hurt, wondering how i made it through the past few years — without feeling that. it’s simple, i wasn’t feeling anything. my goal was to not feel. but my god, does the joy feel joyful. we need both.

parents — if anything sticks with you — please let it be this: continue to fight for what is good and true, you are giving your children an incredible gift and that is showing them when you fail, there is a chance to do it right.

i read and listen to about as much information as i can — i want to share that with you too — especially if you find yourself in a similar situation, and are feeling alone. you are not. we are rooting for you.

as always — if you need professional help please contact me, and we will get you to the right help.

all the love.