Babygirl — A Gen X Woman’s Perspective
When Babygirl was first released in theaters I shared a post of a review written by a woman who was talking about the importance of having the conversations a movie like this sparks, regardless of whether you like the movie or not. I agreed with that which is why I shared the article even though I hadn’t seen the movie. Well, I finally watched it and I had a lot of thoughts. These thoughts I would have likely kept to myself until I saw one of the top search results for ‘Babygirl reviews’ was by a male writer and reviewer for a top online magazine where he spills the tea on plot points like he’s calling out sports plays in a matter-of-fact way just to say, “She sits down and stands up and goes into the corner and faces the wall when he says so. She has to get down on all fours and lap milk from a bowl. They have straight sex. But really … that’s it. We don’t get into BDSM, we get nowhere near to needing a safe word. Babygirl is simply about age-gap and the reversal of gender power-relations.” This over-simplified take from a man’s perspective of a movie coming from a woman’s perspective of sex is the epitome of the entire point of the movie and he missed it completely. I swear he may have grunted in frustration more than once watching the movie and definitely feeling forced to write a review. If you want a Gen X, straight woman’s perspective, (the target audience I’m sure), then read on. This is an opinion piece, not a review. There will be spoilers.
Romy is the title character and the movie initially works to emphasize the point that she is a driven and methodical perfectionist subsequently making her fixated on control. Of course she does a lot of this to herself as driven as she is, (there’s a shadow side to everything), but it also highlights the outdated narratives her personal life still revolves around. Romy is trying to push her company to the next level, seemingly risking its collapse, so she’s already on edge because of the uncertainty of her company’s future. This period of transition for her company isn’t well explained but how it’s affecting her character is.
Romy’s need for control is demonstrated for the audience when she goes to EMDR therapy regularly to try to control her thoughts. She gets injectables and other aesthetic treatments to control her appearance.
The opening scene is of Romy faking an orgasm for the sake of her husband, Jacob, but any woman watching will spot the theatrics immediately. It then comes as no surprise when Romy runs to another room, at the peak of that frustrating moment when you are about to climax but can’t, gets out her laptop and finishes on her own watching a brief porn clip of her fantasy of choice. Two blatantly obvious points struck me in these first few minutes. First, she doesn’t need to see much of the porn as much as hear it and imagine. Women don’t need visuals the way men do, they need to feel safe asking for and being who they need to be in order to completely let go, to release. Second, she needs gentle domination. She just needs a man to carry her emotional weight long enough to give herself permission to let go. When a woman doesn’t have that, I can say from experience anyway, it can begin to feel like you’ll go insane. Feminine energy is a vessel, a container, it holds everything all the time and needs masculine energy to help her spill her very full cup; she needs to know it’s safe to spill and it usually isn’t. Romy’s husband, Jacob, is a loving and compassionate man and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel criticized which he inevitably will if she opens up about what she needs, so she performs for his sake because she does love him but her last thread is fraying. She does try to express her needs with him only for him to dismiss them strictly because of how they make him feel as opposed to continuing the dialogue until a compromise can be met.
In enters Samuel, the bold, youthful intern with a fresh and more open view of sex. A young, single man whose masculinity wouldn’t feel threatened by a woman stating what she needs, at least in a sexual relationship free from commitment. I will say that I found their dynamic a bit frustrating. Intellectually I understood it. I understood why Romy would continue to berate Samuel for being inappropriate when she was the one being most inappropriate. She could have stopped whatever was going to happen immediately and early on but she didn’t so he continued to test her resolve. Romy repeatedly brings up his youth, (even though he’s likely in his mid-twenties), as though she’s really just working through her own internal monologue out loud.
A younger person being attracted to you when you’re “past your prime” can be enticing for anyone. Speaking as a woman, if you are feeling emotionally secure it’s much easier to stop something before it starts. The more unsafe I have felt the more aggressive and risky I have become. In fact, before my current relationship, the safest I ever felt was when I was single and living alone. I also enjoyed the freedom of dating with discernment with no one’s voice in my head and no one’s heart on the line but my own. My decisions were much healthier during that time than when I was in a toxic relationships that had me continually sacrifice myself, albeit in very different ways depending on the relationship.
Romy finally has her orgasm with another man that she can let go with because she doesn’t care as much as she claims about hurting him or him hurting her, until, of course, he basically blackmails her to keep having sex with him. The complexities of that I’ll leave for the movie. In this first interaction between them, Romy is so confused about her sexuality that she confuses peeing with her orgasm, really stressing this naivete narrative. Samuel has his own reasons for pursuing an older, powerful woman which he too struggles with but it’s only briefly addressed in one scene.
Naturally all parties involved inevitably have to face the consequences of their actions. Romy must tell her husband Jacob what she’s done and why. Romy shames herself for feeling like she needs an element of risk to fulfill a fantasy when really she needs to feel something, as proven by declining numbing cream when getting injectables. Her ignorance, the ignorance of my generation, and the generations before us around how the nervous system works and how it can’t handle a lot of stress without some decompression time is clear throughout the movie. When you’re under tremendous stress and begin to feel numb you look for a release by pushing yourself further in various, risky ways so that you can discover what release might feel like when you go back to the level of stress your body has gotten used to. This is a hypervigilant nervous system trying to rediscover homeostasis driving us, (blindly because the reasoning part of our brain is hijacked in this state), for relief.
Throughout the movie there is a constant shame that’s also driving the main character’s behaviors. As accepting as Jacob and Romy are of their gay daughter’s love life they still carry internalized shame around sexuality and what it’s “supposed” to be and the repercussions of not addressing these false narratives is played out more and more as the movie continues until it all comes to a head.
Of course Jacob and Samuel fight which, if I’m being honest, is a trope I could have done without. Although Samuel does check Jacob on his outdated views of sexuality which interestingly Jacob would have really only heard coming from another man instead of his wife and instinctively, she always knew that because she sits there silently observing their interaction. Romy takes some time after everything comes to the surface and is able to reconnect with her husband as he’s open to helping her feel what she needs to feel and she’s able to because she, surprise, rested. It’s how the nervous system works. Romy blames herself repeatedly as though she’s defective and Jacob doesn’t argue so the root of the issue is never really addressed because blame only perpetuates shame, especially self-blame. This is how these generations have taught us though, women are always to blame for anyone not staying within the strict societal guidelines invented by men.
My takeaway is that we live in a time where sexuality is being discussed more plainly, as it should be, and everyone’s sexuality varies because sex and sexuality is a fluid thing. Society has unsuccessfully tried to contain it in a very defined box with a bow and the fallout of trying to control something that can’t be contained has led to heartbreaking events for all genders. Romy’s oldest daughter is the voice of reason, (after giving her flack for her “fakeness” earlier in the movie), because she’s faced all these dynamics within herself already and isn’t afraid to discuss them with her partner so she can show her mother it’s not only possible but necessary.
If someone has needs that aren’t being met in a relationship, the most important thing is to talk with the partner and both partners have to be diligent about not getting defensive. In my experience, I haven’t always known what I needed or how to articulate it but I needed something and I needed a safe space to discover what that was. If you can’t even talk with your partner without fearing how they will react because they’re too sensitive about the topic then perhaps having them go into therapy with you, if they are willing, so that you can speak candidly together in a safe space before temptation and opportunity present themselves the way they do for Romy. After having these conversations, if temptation and opportunity present themselves, it will be easier to navigate. New situations may bring up new needs or desires but by then you’ll already know how to communicate them with your partner and you can both go from there. Having sexual needs that are between consenting adults who have clearly communicated is not a defect. Allowing our sexuality to naturally evolve as our life and circumstances do while standing in witness of it instead of insisting on being rigidly defined by it is so important for our mental, emotional, and physical health. Sex can begin to have inflated importance and take over our lives when we try too hard to contain it, define it, or control it instead of simply witnessing it. Much like intrusive thoughts, we aren’t defined by our needs, but how we go about getting them met says a lot about our character and how much we end up liking ourselves.
A final and critical point for me is that no one can blackmail you emotionally or otherwise when you just tell the truth when necessary. You take your power back when you own your mistakes and work to move forward from them. We give away our power when we fear being vulnerable and human.
