Stock Parenting Phrases Updated For 2018

Michelle Spies
Jun 28, 2018 · 2 min read

“You can have some ice cream after you finish your kombucha.”

“If you don’t quiet down back there I swear to God this car will turn itself around!”

“Alexa: Play a tiny violin.”

“Well when you choose to have kids of your own after reaching a stable point in your career when you can expend the time and energy to begin seriously dating, you’ll understand.”

“No I will not drive you to the mall, I’m your mother not your Lyft driver!”

“You know, if you keep making that face it’s going to get screenshotted that way.”

“Oh you just WAIT until your father finishes working from home!”

“It’s a beautiful day, why don’t you go play Fruit Ninja outside?”

“Okay don’t forget to call, text, FaceTime, tweet, Snapchat, WhatsApp, or DM me when you get there!”

What part of ^ don’t you understand?

“Don’t you dare use that gif with me!”

“Reddit will tell you when you’re older.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? No hoverboarding in the house!”

“You go straight to your room without any brunch young lady!”

“We can only get a dog if you promise to take care of all the coordinating with the Wag walker.”

“If a stranger asks you to get into their car, always make sure their license plate number matches the app.”

“What do you mean you need money? What happened to the allowance I Venmo’d you at the beginning of the week?”

“Don’t make me @ you again mister!”

Michelle Spies

Written by

Chicago-based. CONTRIBUTOR: The Onion, Clickhole. FREELANCE: Onion Labs. Other: Botnik Studios, Mcsweeneys. TWEETER: @spies_please |

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