Yes, we do seem to share many similarities. It would be hypocritical of me to act as your cheerleader now and tell you that you can’t give up on love or romance just because of your last marriage. Plus, you’ve made it clear you aren’t giving up on relationships because of your previous experience. It appears to me that you’re a very grounded, mature woman who knows exactly what she wants in life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to spend your life without a man. We don’t need men in our lives to complete us or make us happy. I admire you for reaching your decision based on what’s good for you, excluding the horrific experience you endured with this man.
I hope to one day soon reach the amazing internal character growth you’ve achieved. I’m in my late forties (almost 50) and I also have no desire to ever enter into another relationship. I married young the first time (and as I pointed out in my earlier comment, I remarried the same man a second time, after a two year divorce). He’s the father of my wonderful children. We share that with our first ex husbands. So, I will always be grateful to him. We had a wonderful co- parenting relationship after our second divorce.
Admittedly, it’s not as close as it was, since he remarried. We remained close when he first remarried and he assured me nothing would change. He remarried a few years after I remarried. But, things have slowly changed. He married a woman many years his senior and she has often admitted feeling threatened by our relationship. I’m doing my best to give her time to adjust, but it’s starting to affect our children.
I have a feeling it will get better soon as the kids have recently taken it upon themselves to discuss the matter with their dad. This was of course, unsolicited by me, but I believe it captured his attention. His children are his world and he recognizes that they grow up quickly and he doesn’t want to miss any part of their lives. I’ve noticed that since the kids talk with dad, he hasn’t missed an event, but his wife stopped coming. I would like for her to feel welcomed to attend and she’s always invited. I had a wonderful relationship with my step-dad and I’m closer to my step sister than I am to some of my bio sisters. But, I’ll have to let the kids step mom work out her own issues. The only thing I can do is continue to let her know that I dont pose any threat to her marriage and that my kids can only benefit from having more people who love and support them.
Whew! I sort of went off topic there. My point was that after marrying and divorcing and remarrying and divorcing my kids dad, I married my current husband. I truly thought I knew this man. We were actually good friends for many years prior to marrying. Thinking back to the stories he told me about his ex wives, I now find myself questioning the validity of the stories. There’s no way, it was always someone else’s fault. But I was naive and in love and believed every word out of his mouth.
So, when I say that I have no desire to be in another relationship, I do mean it. I want time for myself. I need to spend time alone, working on me and figuring out what it is about me that makes me want to rescue people. Why am I so willing to believe their stories — stories that often turn out to be false. The lawyer in me wouldn’t do that. The lawyer in me would carefully vet a witness or investigate a defendant’s timeline to see if it would hold up under scrutiny. The lawyer in me would walk the first time someone lied to me. So why is it that the woman in me is so willing to accept a half cocked excuse. It’s like my heart says:
“Okay, I believe your answer. We’ll sort of. But if you swear it’s the truth then I believe you.”
My Brain is having an outright duel with my heart.
Brain: As is tosses sharp daggers into my heart in an effort to catch my heart’s attention
“Hey you … yeah you, you bleeding idiot. You aren’t gonna fall for that crap again are you? Use me. Use your brain. What the hell do you think I’m here for. C’mon. What are the chances that story is true. Map it out. Add it up. Look at the time line . It’s impossible.”
“But he loves me. He wouldn’t lie. And if he’s lying — its just because he knows how mad I get about lying and it’s such a little thing. It’s not like he lied about something big … or major — or important or something that really matters.”
“Hmm… ya think so huh? Listen cutey. He’s got you pegged. And for someone with a brain as big as me, you sure are making me — you — us look foolish. Repeat after me. If he lied twice already, he’s gonna lie again … and again. If a man will lie about the small things he will certainly lie about the major things. Run. Get out before he breaks what’s left of you in half.”
So my heart and brain have been at war for so long I can’t remember when I wasn’t all geared up in my army fatigues, full battle gear and ready for the the ultimate bomb to hit.
I’ve been trying to avoid as many casualties as possible. We have (my step-daughter) whom I love and adore, beginning her sophomore year in college and she just headed back. We have my two younger kids at home — one starting her senior year in high school and one beginning his freshman year in high school. I don’t want to unduly burden them, but they aren’t idiots. They know things aren’t good at home. My husband is older and has been extremely ill all summer. My mom broke her hip and I had to take her to Florida for rehab physical therapy. I made six trips back and forth to Florida — not The Vacation Kind of Florida. The Taxi Service — babysit mom and kids and nieces and nephews kind of trips to Florida.
My daughter was in a car accident. A week later I was hit by a driver who ran a red light — head on. I’ve had some of my own major health issues and I’ve been warned for months now that I need major surgery and until I have it, I can’t lift over five pounds.
My husband stayed with his adult son and wife for a few weeks this sunmer during his recovery because: Well
- I can’t lift over 5 pounds so I’m physically incapable of caring for him
- He was told he could not be left alone — not even for 10 minutes while someone goes to the store
- I have minor children who needed me to take them places and my son is on the traveling competitive soccer team and they had tournaments all over the south this summer
- My mom and her broken hip needed my help. She’s needed me ever since my dad died in January. Did I mention that with my husband unable to work and me not working — my mom has graciously loaned us the money to live until hubby recovers or I return to work?
- Hubby has three grown kids. One is a school teacher and married to a school teacher and both were off all summer long and it just so happens wife’s sibling is a home health nurse (which we would need anyway) — so it made perfect sense, to all, at the time, for hubby to stay with his oldest son and wife during his post op recovery. He bragged about how much better his home health care, PT, OT & RT was since daughter in law had a connection with them
- So now all of a sudden the new spin on story is that I didn’t want to take care of hubbie
Never mind my own physical limitations preventing me from being able to lift him if he fell or God knows what if something bad happened. Never mind I’m now basically a single mom who must carpool kids all over for ACT PREP, Tutor, soccer practice, out of town, out of state games and finally the doozy — let me just tell my mom that while my husband has his 20 year old daughter at home and his three grown kids all in late 30's or 40's. Two of whom are off all summer. Oh an I forgot one son is married to an ICU NURSE. So while hubbie has home health set up, with all the bells and whistles plus two grown kids + wives (one is a nurse) another grown kid plus a 20 year old at the house + he’s best friends with surgeon, his GP, his primary doc, all of whom he can text or call and they will call or text stop by right away. Plus he had countless others Doctor friends who visit daily. So let me tell my mom who is depressed and on her own since my dad died that I can’t come pick her up from Florida.
You think she isn’t going to cut off the money she’s loaning my husband since he can’t work???
So on top of it all, it’s been one rough summer and the way he can spin a story — he will make it look like I abandoned him — which is so far from the truth.
So as I started with. I would one day like to evolve to where you are. I’m afraid my fear of relationships has far more to do with how easily anyone can fool and anyone can be fooled.
And … sadly I’ve lost my ability to trust my just instincts — my judgment in men.
For now, I’m content and happy spending time with my family and my kids. I truly have no desire to date or become romantically involved with a man. I don’t know if that will change with time or not.
Congratulations on your strength and where you are in life. I’m finding peace and comfort knowing people like you exist.
Best of luck Danna. Hope you keep posting on how your new and improved life is working out for you. I’m getting my strength from you .