Asshole Voice inside my head (Day #1)
I grew up being a superb introvert, I could not even talk with anyone openly about my thoughts, I always thought in my head I would talk about this or that but eventually forget or could not talk about it then at the right moment.
For many years, including even now this rehearsal goes on inside my mind. I think about I will talk on this topic or that topic with that person. I make endless fictitious conversations, role-play inside my mind.
I call it the asshole voice.
As I grew older, I started having less of it. But still, I cannot control it. I call it the asshole voice. It takes me always to the closed chapters of my life. Also takes me to future which may not arrive or may not be true at any point in future.
I need to deal with this, for once and for all. I have been trying. I know what is the solution, Its to stop to think. Its to force my mind to stop thinking about anything else rather now, the current moment. And Stop making fictitious dreams of future or past.
It takes me always to the closed chapters of my life.
Throughout the years I have decided, made commitment with myself, I will kill this asshole. But it seems I cannot kill it for once, Its has heads like hydra. I have to neutralize it somehow so that It stops making harm to me.
So, like many times of earlier I decided to put an end to this voice, who makes me vulnerable, fragile. What I have found helpful for stopping it, is stress, enormous moment of stress and pressure, both external and internal, that makes it go away and creates sheer focus on the current happenings.
I have to live a life without dreams, goals. I mean I can have a vision of where I want to see myself after years. But important part of this would be not to think about it anymore, cause its always a work of fiction. What is present, what is now, right now in front of my sight, that’s what is important.
cause its always a work of fiction
I can write about, I want to create a bulletproof mindset inside myself, that becomes more and more strong as it breaks. But in real world its impossible or quite unnatural. Also, there is a twist, if I win in this battle, I may not have to look back in the past forever. Cause I will generate so much energy and power that will drive me throughout my whole life.
There will be always some external and internal force to hamper my growth. Such as people around me or people who left me may try to comeback or may create problems. But its up to me, would I feel bothered or would I feel broken based on their actions. I can control myself, my actions, but I cannot their right? I can put an end to my sufferings and enjoy the color of life.
If you know someone is weak somewhere you will hit that person at that very point after every argument.
Often times people blame others for their poor state or miserable state. But In reality most of the time its us. Our wrong decision, wrong judgement or wrong hope from another person makes us miserable. And we become so fragile that people who does not want well being of ours starts to take benefits.
Its a human tendency, If you know someone is weak somewhere you will hit that person at that very point after every argument. It happened in my jobs and also in my personal life. But Would I change my life or my activities will change
for the action of someone else?
I am responsible for all my actions, choices, activities and I take full responsibility of that. I want to live a brutally honest and short life full of insecurities, not the one with many years but dishonest, ethically and morally wrong.