Yesterday…

Yesterday I spent 2 hours on the floor of my oldest daughters bedroom with her. She lay there, head on a pillow, whispering, “you hate me, just admit it, you hate me.” I spent a lot of time throughout the rest of the day wondering if this is an improvement on the reverse, “I hate you”, that was being screamed at me last week. A whisper vs. a scream? “you hate me” vs. “I hate you”? I’m ashamed to admit that I handled the situation all wrong. In the past when she has screamed at me, I would go to her and hug her and hold her until her screams turned into little hiccuping cries.

Yesterday though, I was exhausted, I was so very tired of her emotions. I have tried to always validate my daughters feelings. They aren’t wrong, even if I don’t agree with her thought process.

Yesterday I gave in to my frustrations and I said nothing. I sat there on her floor just listening, my heart breaking and said nothing.

Yesterday I didn’t hold her, I didn’t let her cry on me. I didn’t want to hear it. Instead I told her, “I have 2 other children that need me today and I’m spending my time in here, listening to you lie to yourself and me.” the instant the words were out of my mouth I regretted them.

Yesterday I went in reverse, I wasn’t strong for my child, I let my own emotions get the better of me and in the process hurt her more than she was already hurting.

Today… today I will do better for my daughter. I will be more understanding, and instead of trying to force her to accept that I love her, I will show her I love her in every way possible to me.

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