Valentine’s Day Gift Guide
Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies. And those companies have paid me a pretty penny to write this article. Here is your 2017 Valentine’s Day gift guide.
GIFTS FOR HIM
Tonka trucks: Let your partner run the cool plastic wheels over your back. Feels the gears shift and grind along your spine. This ain’t your grandma’s massage. As an added treat, you can experiment with some light role-playing. Imagine the dirty talk: “VROOM VROOM! CRRRRRSSSHHHH! Outta my way, you stupid ambulance!” I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.
Blindfold: Blindness is the most erotic of all handicaps, and this gift will help you recreate the unseeing magic at home. You’ll be fumbling your way toward a healthy bedroom life in no time. Pro tip: don’t put the blindfold on until after you drive home from the store.
Leather jacket: If you’re dating a bad boy greaser hunk, and willing to plunk down some serious coin, get him this stylish accent piece he’s sure to wear once, immediately after he opens your gift, and then never again.
Framed photo of you as a couple: Nothing says “I guess I love you” like an awkward picture of you and le boyfriend from your cousin’s wedding last summer. Failing the ability to find even one decent picture of the two of you together, you could photoshop your face onto Jennifer Garner’s body. Awooooooooooga! Now that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!
Porn: Smut. Erotica. Boobs and such. Whatever you call it, he’s gotta have it!
GIFTS FOR HER
World Wildlife Fund donation: If you’re dating a hippy or whatever, make a donation in her name to the World Wildlife Fund. Think about it: you’re not going to go vegan. You’re not going to get a weird rescue dog. This is probably your best shot to stay together.
Sex coupon: Never expires ;)
*Offer not valid on Thursdays or when the fucking game is on, Denise! Jesus! Go to your Mother’s, I’m trying to watch the Steelers.
Gift certificate to Macy’s: Ladies be shopping. And when ladies be shopping, they be looking for great deals on the season’s hottest looks. Only at Macy’s: “the place to get clothes, for lady™.”
A hair brush(?): Look, I’ll just state the obvious: I don’t know much about the fairer sex. But I do know that they have hair, and they have to brush that hair every 12 hours, to reset their ovaries and keep the vapors at bay. If my Betsy DeVos-endorsed sex education classes taught me anything, it’s that.
Porn: These days, it’s not just for men, anymore.
