On Shared Expectations, and Finding The Golden Ratio in Relationships
if we step back a little bit, and kind of look at it all as observers of when it feels good, when it’s good enough, when it’s nearly perfect, when it’s what we want at that moment……. and how to find balance, and what’s so hard about the fact that it’s not always that way, and what we’re supposed to do with that seemingly unsolvable incongruence.
it strikes me that like so many things in our lives every day, in all the things we do — it’s this exercise of weighing the pros & the cons. the risk & the reward.
and also, more to the heart of what i’m trying to get at and explain — - there’s this ongoing teeter totter balancing act we do between our expectations, or visions in our heads of what perfect looks & feels like — and then managing actual real-time messy uncooperative life sometimes.
like,,,, is the sometimes stressful or disruptive or painful *risk* of our expectations not being met 65% of the time worth the *reward* of the bliss and fulfillment and love that comes to us the other 45%?
what’s an acceptable ratio?
what ratio is even *possible* in the absolute optimal luckiest most uncanny of circumstantial scenarios???
what ratio constitutes or justifies or necessitates a deal breaker???
what ratio can we / should we / could we / would we accept in our hearts and minds, and actually embrace as “good enough”?
as someone who grew up to work toward and believe in this mythical Icarus of “perfect”, in a spiritual sense, and in a behavioral sense when it comes to choices & conscious actions & responsibilities, duties, opportunities, and the consequences associated with all of it just on the other side of the tightrope — - i know that it’s not easy — - i know that it’s complicated and it feels like there’s a lot at stake, and it can feel impossible.
the older i get, and the wiser i get, and the more pain i process and embrace…. i think i’m seeing more and more clearly that it will always require an acceptance of give & take, good with bad, joy with difficulty — — and it really is our choice, and ours alone when it comes to how we choose to conduct our lives — what we choose to accept, what we choose to roll the dice on, what we choose to let go of and walk away from, believing that ‘better’ exists and what it’s worth it to us to sacrifice certain things to get it — and there’s no one left to blame if we miscalculate. and more than anything else, perhaps, peaceful co-existence with another person, as a partner / lover / friend / spouse / companion hinges on ***the mutual capacity for shared expectations*** in of all of this. very often just having reasonably amicable or harmonious expectations would do just fine.
anything else is possible and manageable if that’s in place.
for example: if it’s a mutually shared expectation that a couple come together every Saturday night, and spend Sunday mornings until noon together — and that’s literally IT — and run their own independent lives in all aspects otherwise without the breakdown of that shared expectation throughout the week — that would amount to a successful relationship that would be good enough, perfect enough, worthy of the effort and commitment to that couple.
those are some of my thoughts on that.