Newt Gingrich compares Trump to Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln, who grew up in an Illinois palace that resembled Versailles, came to national prominence by challenging Stephen Douglas’ Vermont birth certificate. Lincoln eloquently called Douglas “Dumbass Douglas from Denmark,” a devastating blow to Douglas’ pointy-head intellectual base. It alienated all but the few Danish residents of his adopted state of Illinois.
Lincoln faced two other presidential candidates. Lincoln cleverly named John Breckinridge “Crooked John.” His labeling of John Bell as “Bullshit Bell” was truly inspired.
Lincoln faced opposition from southern growers, who argued that tariffs with Europe were stifling trade of their agricultural exports. Yet his media savvy won the day, and eventually plantation owners came to understand that these reports in the press about tariffs were merely based on “fake telegraphs.”
Lincoln’s election was somewhat tainted by reports of British and French meddling in the 1860 election, and the ensuing investigation thereof. Although Mary Lincoln had previously claimed massive business dealings in Europe, Abraham Lincoln swore that he wasn’t even aware of where Europe was. Finally, Lincoln fired the investigators with his devastating retort: “There is no collusion, I can tell you that, and by the way 25 million people attended my inauguration, not 25 thousand.” Although his opponents called him Dishonest Abe, Americans today know that until Trump, he was the most honest of all presidents.
Upon taking office, Lincoln appointed what historians today refer to as a “Team of Sycophants,” who agreed reflexively with everything he said, taking every opportunity to tell Lincoln how proud they were to have the opportunity to serve in his administration.
And let’s not forget Lincoln’s brilliant strategy to defeat the confederacy — by calling Jefferson Davis “Doofus Davis” and re-naming Robert E. Lee “Loser Lee.” Lincoln’s campaign pledge to build a wall between the northern and southern states was never brought to fruition. However, military historians credit his Something Terrific Proclamation, in which he announced that the racial status quo would be “repealed and replaced with something terrific.”
Lincoln is probably most remembered for his brief and eloquent 1863 speech at Gettysburg:
About seven hundred days ago I brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in my greatness, and dedicated to the proposition that I am the only one that can make this country great again, I can tell you that. Right? Yeah. Right? Am I right?
Now we are engaged in a really terrific civil war… Who knew war would be so complicated? Anyway, this war is testing whether I, or any other great man in the world with such an unprecedented electoral college vote, can be the smartest man on earth. Hey, who here thinks little Dumbass Douglas from Denmark looks presidential? Right? Anyway, I am met on a great battle-field, a really tremendous battle-field, really tremendous, of that war with obstructionist Democrats. Booooo! Yeah. So I have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final building place for my family’s greatest hotels. They are gonna be great; you’re gonna love ‘em. It is altogether fitting and proper that I should do this because nobody understands cemetery development like I do. Especially not Crooked John. Should he be locked up? Huh? Yeah?
But, in a bigly sense, I can dedicate — I can consecrate — I can hallow — this ground. The brave architects, who struggle here, with no Mexican workers, will consecrate it with gold — and I know gold, gold is powerful, gold is really, you know, really gold— far above the soldiers’ poor power to add or detract. Hey, look at my African supporter in the crowd. Hi! How are you? Am I doing a great job? Yeah. Well anyway, the world will always note, and long remember what I say here, and it can never forget what I build here. It is for the renters, lobbyists, and foreign diplomats, rather, to be dedicated here to the room charges that have thus far been enriching me. And it is for me to be here dedicated to the great deal, a really good deal, so great that you’ll be tired of great deals — that from these attempts to influence me, I take increased devotion to my family’s cause for which the poorly-educated, whom I love, gave their full measure of devotion — that I here highly resolve that my presidency will not be in vain — that my business interests by God, shall have a new birth of profitability — and that government of the Lincolns, by the Lincolns, and for the Lincolns, shall not perish from the earth.
Unfortunately Lincoln was assassinated by Senator Ted Cruz’s great-great-great-grandfather, but Lincoln’s legacy will live on and rival Trump’s greatness. Thank you Newt, for your astute observation.