The Unsettling Awareness Of Your Heartbeat
“I’m confident, I’m cool, I’m collected”, I swear out loud,
But in the deepest depths of my brain, something is shoved deep down
I can hear the sound of blood rushing in my ears
There’s only one part of me that knows my deepest fears.
They promise they only mean well with the back-handed comments they make,
The way they say the most problematic things that I just have to smile and take
I’m not one for fighting so I swiftly apologize and try to move on,
Rationality would tell me “Everything is fine” but I still feel that this is wrong.
I know that I’m supposed to love this new place,
Everyday I wish that were more the case.
I rise and face the world with an outwardly smile,
I chase my days with the blind optimism of a naïve juvenile.
I insist I’m over the things they’ve done,
That I could care less and since then I’ve learned to deeply fear loving anyone.
I’m taking “Precautionary Measures” I think,
In reality, I sit in a prison of my own making in a silent balance on the brink.
The things I say
I wish they aligned more with the way my life plays,
The tortures I battle everyday,
Only my heart can tell me the way.
Written by Samridhi Kumaresan for MTTN
Edited by Dhriti Bharadwaj for MTTN
Featured Artwork by Jemima James
