The 2nd Coming of Mubin
Perhaps this was psychologically anticipated thus inevitable. As soon as I turned 40, I hit what you may call a midlife crisis. I struggled with it immensely, and went through the six major stages: denial, anger, replay, depression, withdrawal, and acceptance. The anxiety and depression have been bad. I took time off from work. I did not like the adult staring back at me in the mirror. This was not who I was supposed to become. Why even do any of the things I do? What is my purpose in life? And the scariest question; Is life even worth living? Mental health awareness has definitely become ubiquitous, but we seldom pay attention to mental health issues or consider it an illness unless we suffer from it ourselves. The preconceived notions and stigmatization remain. Additionally, gender norms and cultural nuances told me to “suck it up and be a man.” Gratefully, I had friends, family, and coworkers who were there to help and support me.
I took it seriously only when I became dysfunctional. I saw faith leaders, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I was prescribed multiple medicines to help deal with the anxiety, depression, nightmares, shortness of breath, and the inevitable side effects of the meds I was on. However, there was a rediscovery of the “self” that eventually put me back on a path to recovery; for that I had to unbox my past, present and future to figure out what I, with the wisdom of my 40s, would teach my younger self. But in fact it was the younger me that taught the present me, how to cope!
I lost my father to a cardiac arrest at the age of 39, I was 3. I never realized until now that I spent 40 years looking for a father figure, but lost whoever I became attached to through 1 reason or another. I was raised by a strict but determined single mother who was ill with cancer since I was 6 and eventually passed away when I was 27. I don’t have any recollection of her ever being healthy. We were upper middle class at the best of times and below the poverty line at the worst. My mother was well educated, therefore getting me a good education was her single-minded focus. She sent me to an expensive private school, where my peers were several times richer than us. At times I was insecure and at others, I believed my mother was just frugal because when she wanted she would splurge. Once I reached high school and started exploring what I wanted to do with my life, it didn’t take long for me to decide that I wanted to become a commercial airline pilot.
At age 17, I walked into the Lahore Flying Club in Lahore, Pakistan and signed up for a commercial pilots license. When I went for the prerequisite medical exam, I discovered I was colorblind, and commercial pilots cannot be colorblind! I was deemed unfit. I was crushed. I cried the whole way home and for several days thereafter. This was the 1 thing I was passionate about. I had a rough end to my high school years, rebelled but eventually persevered and left for college in the States. Then life happened and year after year passed, but I longed for flying. Wife, kids, jobs, houses, material things came, however, it was like a 1000 piece puzzle where you discover a piece is missing at the very end.
Last year, when I started spiraling out of control and started having serious health concerns; and the depression was so severe that I could not bear to be around people or in a lit up room. Everything triggered these episodes and I would come out of them several hours later. I lost and gained weight. I lost (more) hair! I lost my reason for being. I quickly realized that my condition would not dissipate on its own. I sought help. I spoke to anyone who would listen. It was embarrassing at times. I did not let that stop me. I wanted to talk about my story. I have had a good life, but all humans have their own circle of sorrows. The magnitude of your own sorrows is incomparable to someone else’s, yet often we force ourselves to keep going after telling ourselves that there are others who have it much worse. It does not have to be this way. We are human, we have issues, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad or depressed despite possessing all the material possessions the world has taught us will bring us a sense of achievement and satisfaction. Peace comes from within and that is the journey I embarked upon and it was a journey I had to travel my own. I was finally becoming a man and the journey is yet not over. I am here.
Upon my wife’s insistence I went to a local flight school in Pennsylvania and signed up for my private pilot’s license. This was not supposed to be the silver bullet, the end all, be all cure for my illness, but just an avenue for release. I did not realize that it would actually be the 1 thing I looked forward to when I was going in and out of bouts of depression. In my uncontrollable life, having something be in my control was refreshing. I took to it with the passion I had for it when I was a teenager. I am 20 hours into my flight training and have loved every minute of it. This week I go for my medical and come full circle from the last medical I had done at age 17. I am wary, I am fearful, I have pushed it out as much as I could have. But I am hopeful. Being able to fly has given me a sense of purpose.
I have rejoined work, with a renewed sense of vigor and urgency. I will not stay quiet when I have a valuable voice at the table. I want people to know I am here. I want people to know I have returned from the depths of hell. I want people to know I have risen like a phoenix. I have shown the grit and determination to survive where many unfortunate souls have succumbed. I am grateful to everyone who knowingly or unknowingly helped me on my journey.
I have a strong belief that my experience can help others going through similar trials in life. I want to raise awareness on mental health issues, dealing with crises at various stages of life, and dealing with the loss of loved ones. While life is tough, no illusions there, still there is way too much good in life worth striving for. There are good people who will listen to you and do good things for you. Treasure them. And most of all treasure yourself.
Shameless Plug: I am in the process of creating digital content pertaining to my journey of self-actualization. I plan on having a presence on social networks and other platforms where I will share my learnings in life through the proxy of flight. I invite you all to join me in this endeavor.
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