Intoxicated and Stupidity

Bintang Adinandra
Jul 25, 2017 · 3 min read

Dear future me, welcome to don’t laugh challenge.

There are two main reasons why I write something.

First, I write based on what I observe, what I see, and then it collects onto stack of data so that I can process and present about what I thought about it.

Second, I write based on feeling, on what a really feel at the moment, something that must be really deep, sometimes it was a joyful feeling, but sometimes it might be a depression, and most of all, the most prominent and dominated feeling that urges me to write, is a feeling of emptiness. This feeling, is hate the most.

Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise — Thomas Gray

What you don’t know, wont hurt you. Somehow, I want to understand, I want to feel this beautiful part of a poem. This wonderful idiom. Something that bothers me is that I have high level of anxiety about something. It cools down a bit, when I met people, or I get myself busy. But..

When there is nothing else to do

When there is no food to eat

When I felt that there is no one that I think I would like to share with

When I felt that I am alone

Things gets worse

There is something going on your mind. A catastrophe, a sky rocket, a bouncy ball bouncing around, a paranoid feeling, misplaced judging, and all negative thoughts came in. But at the same time, you are not sad nor happy. You didn’t feel anything, a little bit sad perhaps yes.

You were thinking not about yourself, but instead someone or something else.

You’re in fear, but you denied yourself.

You believe that this is just a temporary feeling and it will blown away, so you decided to do nothing but not giving your interest to someone’s attention, don’t fell want to eat, or don’t feel to do productive stuff, and the worst is hurt someone’s feeling.

And you know what? Its sucks, and intoxicating. Why? Because you don’t know and don’t want to know the cure. You were too busy hating for being like this.

This moment which I hate the most, is the time that I felt empty. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know if someone will listen to me. But there is always space to pour my mind. To melt and make my mind calmer. To sit down a bit, take a deep breath and tried to be relax. Its called, writing.

I don’t expect someone to read this. But I expect myself to read this in the future. Why would I care about this? Because I know, deep inside this is just a really stupid. An irrational, temporary, a Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy synthesized feeling.

When differences in data are ignored, but similarities are stressed

You are at the critical state

So, this is what leads you to depression. You know, what it will become if you didn’t do something about it.

You will consumed by it. You will be controlled by your anxiety and fear. You will forget what is the meaning of life is. You went down to a pit but you decided not to went up again. And why is that? Because you are too weak to resist small stupid feelings and take it too deep instead. Simply said, you are too weak to ignore something.

It is all came to a simple choice really. Whether you want to keep yourself alone, and get consumed by your feeling, or just simply pass and get on with it and try not to give a single fuck about it. Its true, I understand it fully I guess.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

That’s Damn Right

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