The 397th Times

Bintang Adinandra
Jul 10, 2017 · 2 min read

Its been a year I’ve been like this. Doing project, then sometimes got distracted by playing games, and when I look at the clock, Its already 2am. It is all back to one option. Sleep, or not sleep.

I am trying to calm down, and make my mind clear and empty. I went to bed around 12–2am, and by 3am I still can’t manage my self to sleep. The tension, anxiety, fear for coming late tomorrow, almost anything.

For you early sleepers, easy sleepers, and early woke up person. God bless you. I envy you so much

So, its 2.20am when I wrote this. I felt tired physically. My eyes is quite tired, my body is exhausted, but somehow my mind is like a rocket. Last time I checked my tension rate it was 130/90. My sister (she is a doctor) considered me having pre-hypertension. Creepy. It made me more anxious, I don’t know if I felt better. But, I’ve made my mind.

It is time to stop bargaining

My mind loves to bargain, resulting procrastinate and easily distracted. Hours spent and I felt not productive enough and I got disappointed every damn time. It is all in your mind, actually. Whether the monkey is gonna take the stick, and your true consciousness is powerless or you take full control.

And I think it is time, to make it happen. It is time to stop bargaining. I want to have a healthy life. I want to be early sleeper and early risers. I want to be better. But how could I? On the other side, I am also afraid to leave this sick life. The joy of doing non productive stuff for hours. I believe, you’ve been thinking the same.

  • You’ve want to be a better person, deep inside I knew you really want to.
  • But at the same time, there is a fear holding you, fearing of not succeeded, or afraid to leave your daily not-productive habits.
  • You felt guilty, but you easily forgive yourself and the cycle keeps on and on.
  • And you always think you can do it tomorrow.
  • But it didn’t happen, and you realize it whenever you went to bed.
  • You know, it sucks. Your life sucks. Your mind sucks. Everything sucks.

Well you know what mate. You are not alone.

I’ve read blog posts about peaceful of mind, and I conclude that It is start with writing, and writing about what exactly do you want. Mine is quite simple actually.

I want to stop smoking

I want to jog every early day in the morning

I want to perform better at work

I want to be more professional at my subject

I want a peaceful state of mind

I want to go to sleep easier

That’s it! I’ve told you all. Finally I wrote this after 397th times of procrastination. It is a big leap? I do not know. But we’ll see. Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful life.

P.S: It is not exactly 397th times, but I’ve tried break my bad habit since a year ago. 397th just a random number.

Bintang Adinandra

Written by

Software Engineer @salestockindonesia. A typical and ordinary one.

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