Writing Wednesday 002: Getting Out of My Own Way
I made it! Not as late as last time. There’s still over 11 hours left in this Wednesday. But, I’m here at my desk writing. I can already feel that this at a minimum as a writing habit is going to be beneficial. That being said I really think I’m in my own way — standing between where I am and where I’m going. I think there’s behaviors, habits, desires, and places I spend my time that I need to change to become the man I believe I can be. Ultimately I am 100% responsible for my life and its results, I accept that. So when something’s not going right, or results aren’t showing who’s fault is it? Mine. I’ve laid out a vision and realizing it requires hours and hours of work. I mustn’t stop myself, or allow doubt and delay to prevail. Building creativity into my life hasn’t been easy, but I am moving forward. It’s easier to seek pleasure then go through the pain of birthing a new creative project, especially when the project is large and daunting. I’ve never written a book. Hell, there’s been lots of projects I’ve never even come close to completing that are much more simple than this literary endeavor. Thank god my first few books are non-fiction or I’d really be in trouble. At least, I know what I want to write and there’s much less opportunity for confusion. I don’t have a huge plot and sub-plots to manage. I have my topic, my information and the best way to share that. I have research that is required, calls to make, people to talk to, alliances to forge. But, I don’t have to manage a separate reality and all the moving parts that come along with good works of fiction. Both fiction and non-fiction require the physical act of writing, or at least dictation to get the words out of the ethers and onto a page or hard drive. That’s the rub. Even though I’ve taken the easier path for my first book, I still need to do the work. It’s unavoidable. I’m in my own way of doing this work often times succumbing to resistance and impulses of pleasure. I feel that I need to carve out time where all I do is create, and nothing or nobody stands in the way — especially not me. My brain and nervous system are powerful, I must make sure they are working towards my aim not independently for some biochemical reward or shortcut. I can do it. I can link pleasure to this act of writing, and creating. I do get pleasure out of it, but it also requires discipline. I think most people’s brains (and definitely my own) would opt for pleasure over pleasure and discipline. But, my brain doesn’t run things by itself. I have a will, intuition and a timeless spirit guiding me too. Willing myself to use my intuition and spirit more, to know that I know I should be writing every day until I finish this book. Writing Wednesday should come and go no problem. 1000 word deadline handled with “ease”. Ease because I’ve already written thousands of other words building momentum towards publication of this first real creation to share with the world. I have to evolve my behaviors and habits to support the vision. The vision must take precedent over anything. If it’s not a component of the dream why do I allow it? Good question. I literally stopped the flow of typing and sat here trying to answer that. Here’s what I’ve got: I allow things that are not integral to the vision to remain in my life because they’ve always been there. I’m used to them. I’m not used to parking myself at my desk and getting my soul on the page with any kind of regularity. I’ve written over the last 9 years since I decided to “become a writer” but it’s so sporadic. The creation isn’t consistent, the resistance is though. Realizing this now I think the takeaway is that I’ve been craving consistency, so I aligned my behaviors with what’s consistency been there in the past: friends, partying, idleness, avoidance. I’ve been being consistent, just in the wrong way. Majorly wrong. Going forward I aim to be consistent in supporting my own vision, not remaining as it’s primary obstacle. Nobody’s stopping me from publishing this book but me, period. Nobody cares if I publish this book but me, period. They don’t want me to be a best seller, (DJ Khaled voice). So what am I going to do? Get the fuck out of the way that’s what. I feel this major energy that needs a release, so why am I stopping it or channeling it into paths of un-fulfilment? That’s what I’m understanding right now as I write. That’s what this is releasing. I love to write. I love to live a creative life. I must make time for this love-making daily. Getting momentum on this journey is so vital. Resistance remains less of a factor when you’re continually facing it and winning the small daily battles. It’s always going to be my adversary, but I’m in control over who has the winning record in the end. Who got that book done? I did. Who changed his life and reached his dreams? I did. Who tried to stop me? I did. I need this, I need to be able to authentically express myself and my growth. I struggle just like everyone, and this is a clear display of that for you and me to see. I have come a long way, but the next steps are the key. Lacing up my boots and getting to work, every single day. Reaching for the stars is cool, and I’ve chosen to chase my dreams until the end. Until I die, or I’m grinning ear to ear sharing the triumphs with the world. I have written today, I have beat the weakness within myself to get this thousand words done. It wasn’t even that bad. It wasn’t even me. I think I just got out the way.