Writing Wednesday 007: Back Against the Wall

I think I’ve been preparing for this fight for my whole life. Ding Ding Ding

Things are tough right now. It’s all on me, my decisions, habits and behaviors have led me here. I’ve backed myself into a corner, and need to fight my heart out to overcome. Sounds like any tale of overcoming adversity, but it’s not any tale — this is my tale. I’m committed to my dreams, I’m committed to becoming a better man, and I’m committed to battling until I’ve recovered. In a previous piece (WW005) I discussed a battle with a vice, and I’ve written a response detailing the failure to execute on my pledge. Now it’s different, that’s not the only thing I need to change, and I am left with no options but to cast aside anything holding me back. The surge forward that I’m planning will require clarity, vitality, and patience. I’ve got too many things to overcome to attack all aspects at once — my next 90 days must be carefully strategized. The next 90 days ahead of me could be the hardest of my life to date. Coming to terms with things I’ve been avoiding, ignoring and assuming would take care of themselves. Rarely do such things magically get handled by some outside force other than my own gumption and grit. I must utilize all my abilities physically, cognitively and spiritually to handle the challenges that lie ahead.

I’ve said it before, but this time is different. I’ve told myself, my peers, and the world that I’m “all in” and maybe I was. But now, I’m all in on a double or nothing bet. Stakes couldn’t be higher, and the pressure is on. I really believe that I can meet these challenges and triumph, but not utilizing any existing modalities I possess. New skills need nurturing, and my weaknesses can’t be ignored. I must dig deep and do something that I’ve always had trouble doing: I must ask for help. I can’t realize my ideas, dreams or ambitions doing everything myself. I also can’t get through the next 90 days without enlisting others assistance with the aim of establishing some pillars of support. I shall prove myself worthy of those I intend to enlist, and their help. Tolerating the self sabotage I have been participating in is no longer acceptable.

Unacceptable is one of my favorite words to describe less than favorable conditions professionally. Failure to meet the standard. I myself have landed in an unacceptable position, due to my negligence and chaotic spread of focus and energy. My gripe with my own unacceptable behaviors and results is mine to bare, but baring it alone may lead to ruin. I intend to provide value to those helping me, not simply ask for help from a beggars squat. Even though this may be the most challenging times I’ve yet experienced in many ways, I still have things I can give. I don’t expect something for nothing. I must give to receive. Getting others to desire to assist me I believe I must desire to assist them and provide whatever skills or value I can even be it meager.

Meagerness isn’t what I am, even if what I currently possess may seem meager. Casting aside feelings of lack I return to one of my staples — gratitude. Prior to this sentence this piece has had a dire and nearly desperate tone, but desperation is never desirable. I can’t neglect to look around and see the incredible amount of blessings that surround me. I have clean water to drink, I am healthy, I have the chance to access the internet, I have a family and loving friends, I have job opportunities and business opportunities of my own; I have a list of ideas, goals and dreams to keep me busy for the next 15 years or longer. I am so grateful to even be breathing right now. You know what, even just writing those sentences makes me feel better. Feeling gratitude in my heart is like an antiseptic for the chaotic material situation I find myself in. I’m grateful to live to fight another day, I’m grateful that I’ve lived this long and had such an amazing life. I love my life, I also love my struggles. Sounds like a different person writing this now doesn’t it? That’s how powerful a shift in gratitude can be. That’s how much perspective matters. I can choose to look at where I am right now and wallow in despair or look only at the problems, but that leaves out all the treasures. That leaves out the incredible miracles of nature that constantly surround us. That leaves out the miracle that I was even born, let alone survived 27 years. It leaves out the simple fact that recognizing how blessed I am changes everything.

I’m grateful for the challenges, and obstacles in my path. I’m grateful to have my back against the wall. Why? Because I’m going to show myself and the world what a comeback looks like. I’m going to show the world a good fight, and be grateful for the opponents. I need this to become better, stronger, and more resilient. I can’t complain, especially when the causes are my own creations. The beauty of that is that the solutions are also mine to create. I have a favorite quote by Anthony Robbins, a major mentor of mine, it goes like this “It’s never resources, its resourcefulness.” What I need is within me, and the solutions are there for me to realize, I just have to be resourceful enough to find them, or shift my perspective to see what’s already there. I’m down but I’m not out. I’m still here fighting, even if the battle looks like it’s not in my favor, there are countless ways that victory can still be snatched from the jaws of defeat. Finding those ways is my aim. Waking up every day grateful to be alive and grateful for everything is how I need to approach the fight. Getting my ass kicked has taught me many lessons in my past, and I’m ready to use those lessons to fix my life. Watch as I enter the ring and give this my very best.

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