The Mums Without Limits Guide to Not Feeling Too Shabby

Being a mum, you can end up feeling like a skanky cow A LOT of the time. Let’s face it, if you get through the day without one or more of the following substances* on you, then you are really fucking nailing the day (*pee, crap, vomit, snot, breastmilk, saliva, food, felt tip — delete as appropriate). And some days, when you can barely find the time to have a shower or brush your hair, ‘pampering’ may be the last thing on your mind. But remember, there’s #moretomumlife, which is why Mums Without Limits has put together a handy guide to the little things you can do to feel human again.

1. Waxing. Now most notably I’m talking about bikini waxing, because to be honest I’m happy to run a Gillette Venus over my legs and armpits and have done with it. My American friend used to describe going for a wax as going to the ‘Rip Shop’ (OUCH), and really, pre-kids, waxing was not something to be enjoyed. Getting your knickers off and enduring pain… no thanks! Then you give birth to a child or several and learn what a proper painful knickers off experience feels like and all of a sudden waxing is not so bad! In fact, it gets you out of the house for a bit, and you get to have a little lie down, so happy days! Plus, if you go for a strategic Brazilian or Hollywood, you can probably get your husband to do pretty much anything you want.

2. Highlights. So, the great thing about highlights is that THEY TAKE FUCKING AGES. Book yourself in on a Saturday and you’ve probably got a good 3 hour window to yourself if you really milk it. A veritable bonanza of coffee, magazines, gossip and people watching awaits.

3. Brazilian blow dry. This treatment has had a bit of bad press over the years because CHEMICALS AND SHIT. But, fuck it, I’ll take a head full of chemicals to get my hair looking that good. And so manageable! Just call me Jennifer Aniston.

4. Manicure. You can either do this yourself or outsource — it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, painted nails are fun and sexy. And totally get you out of doing any washing up / cleaning activities (what rubber gloves? #innocentface)

5. Massage. This is another lying down activity so instantly a winner! Plus, if your body is completely fucked from years of lugging around kids and their associated crap then a good rub down is just what you need! Just make sure you choose the right pressure — too hard and you’ll feel like you’re being beaten up, too soft and you might fall asleep and miss it. I did this once. It pissed me RIGHT OFF. (Ditto for facials).

6. Botox. Years of frowning at children left you with ‘resting bitch face’ and ‘angry 11s’? Don’t despair, you can be fixed! Now, I have never had Botox. I really bloody need it, but at 35 I am resisting just that bit longer because I can sense a slippery slope ahead. Friends of mine have, however, ‘been done’ and looking at them gives me MAJOR FOREHEAD ENVY.

7. Blow dry. Not the Brazilian type, just the good old fashioned type. I am a recent blow dry convert. I used to wonder why people bothered, but honestly, you just can’t beat that GROWN UP and GROOMED feeling you get after a blow dry. Immense satisfaction swooshing my bouncy, flicky, shiny hair in the reflection of Waitrose windows on the walk home from the hairdressers feeling like I’ve really made it in life.

8. Laser hair removal. This is another one I’ve never done, and to be honest I don’t think I ever will following reports from 2 friends… The first said it was worse than giving birth (errrm, not selling it). The second described how she had to stand alone in a room with goggles on, naked from the waist down, a laser pointed at her foof and totally unaware of what was going on (sounds like some weird sex game). So I’ll stick to the waxing thanks.

9. Spa day / spa weekend. Oh that wonderful feeling you get as you put on your snuggly, pristine white robe and little towelling slipper type flip flop type things… This is taking pampering to the next level. Nowt to do except pootle between sauna, steam room, swimming pool (nope, too energetic) and hot tub (outdoor, LAVENDER LINED at one place I went to #fancypants), occasionally stopping to languish on a bed with a magazine or have a gossip with your mates. Welcome to pampering heaven.

10. Make up. Do not underestimate the power of lipstick. That is all.

So there you go! You are now a pampered princess! Or if all else fails, run a bath, pour yourself a LARGE Sauvignon Blanc and make sure the kids stay the fuck out of the bathroom…

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