“Don’t Be Stubborn”: Why Conflict Isn’t Always a Bad Thing
Think back to the last argument you had. Was it with a romantic partner, a co-worker, a friend, or a family member? Perhaps it was even a stranger on the internet. Regardless of what the argument was about and who it was with, we implore you to think about some variables that may have impacted the way you argue. Variables such as your emotions, physical state, preconceived notions of the other person, or how quickly you were willing to jump to conclusions are all things that may influence your argument and how you communicate with the other person.
With much of social life hinging off your ability to infer the thoughts, feelings, and states of those around you (Woltin & Yzerbyt, 2020), it’s important to consider how this can impact your perceptions of the outside world. If you’re someone that’s interested in how you can improve the high-intensity form of communication of arguing, this blog will help you reflect on and improve the way you approach argument. To accomplish this, we will discuss the impact of projection, accessibility of thoughts, argument and conflict style, relationship scripts, and need fulfillment and ways you can be more mindful when arguing to ensure healthy conclusions are met no matter the topic.
Projections Impact on Emotions
Imagine this: you’re at work, it’s midday right before your lunch break and a disgruntled customer walks into the store. We all know this type of customer, and this one does not fall under the ‘customer is always right’ category. They enter with the sole goal of arguing with an associate after likely doing something wrong on their end, like misreading the return policy. The interaction begins with the customer using direct, assertive, and rude language. Coincidentally you have not had your lunch break yet and the midday slump has just hit you. This customer interaction quickly escalates as you suddenly become impatient, matching the attitude of the customer, and stooping to their level.
From the introduction of this blog alone it is easy to spot variables that could have caused this interaction to spiral, like your physical state of being both hungry and tired and the strong attitude of this rude customer which you may have mirrored back to them. It is likely that this scenario would have gone much differently if this high-intensity interaction took place after your lunch break when the midday slump had been addressed by a good meal and perhaps some caffeine.
There are many factors present in this situation that will forever be out of your control and your knowledge, namely the other person’s thoughts and feelings about you and the situation, yet this does not stop us from learning how to better cope with an interaction like this. For instance, the judgment heuristic of social projection is rather evident within this interaction. Projection has been defined as placing your own inclinations and preferences onto others, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. Projection has been noted as the default way to infer other person’s thoughts, feelings, and attitudes quickly and reasonably (Krueger, 2007). This interaction has many instances of projection, from the smaller influences of being hungry and tired to the large influence of this aggressive customer’s attitude.
Psychological research has categorized projection thoroughly, with robust findings that support this social phenomenon. This example highlights situations where one person has little knowledge of the other person they are interacting with, thus increasing the influence of projection due to the inability to make assumptions about the aggressive customer’s character (Krueger, 2007). Projection is such a strong phenomenon that it has even been noted to influence women into endorsing hostile and benevolent sexism (Becker, 2010). The influence of those around us cannot be understated, as the internalization of social norms and influences around us can be intense enough for us to take on beliefs that directly combat our rights within society or act out of character like we discuss in our customer service example.
Having established what projection entails and how it influences our behaviors, how can we use it to our advantage? For our customer service example, an easy way to prevent the escalation of a situation like this would be to increase your mindfulness of your physical and emotional state. If you’re conscious of the fact that you are hungry, tired, or just not feeling like yourself it might be best to advert this conflict to another person or for a later time. If possible, lending this interaction off to your co-worker or manager who just got off their lunch break may mean the situation is resolved more peacefully and without escalation. Being aware of variables that can negatively impact our emotional states, in turn escalating conflict situations, making the decision to only argue when you are physically and emotionally ready can mean the best outcome is reached for both individuals as instead of projecting negative emotions, we can instead replace them with positive and more compassionate emotions
Projection and Assumptions
When we think about projection, the first thing that probably comes to mind is how people sometimes project what they are feeling onto another person who is not the cause of the emotions being experienced. Projection can also occur when we use our own emotions to determine how someone else may be feeling, creating conflicts that may not even exist.
Hidden Brain Podcast:
In this podcast episode, HiddenBrain host Shankar Vedantam discusses with guest speaker Tessa West how we often misunderstand other people’s thoughts. Tessa West is a psychologist at New York University and an expert on interpersonal interaction and communication. Throughout this episode, Dr. West discusses that we often make incorrect assumptions of what another person is thinking based on our own feelings at the time of the interaction. As in the title, this podcast also looks at how we can really know another person. When we use our own emotions to judge someone else’s thoughts, we can subconsciously transfer our own insecurities into someone else. Misreading someone else and coming to emotional conclusions can create unnecessary conflict between us and other people. According to Dr. West, the best way to get to know another person is to simply ask them what they are thinking about (How to Really Know Another Person, 2022).
Tessa West Headshot credit Blaise Heyward Studio
Professor Tessa West of New York University
Inaccurate readings can occur as a result of our confidence, which is often misplaced (How to Really Know Another Person, 2022). If you are dealing with stress that is impacting your confidence, it is possible that you will feel less confident during social interactions with others and have a negative mindset. An example to illustrate inaccuracies that can occur as a result of misplaced confidence is meeting with a close friend who seems “off”. On a typical day, we could conclude that this person is tired or dealing with personal stress. If our emotions are high and negative, we could wrongfully conclude that this person is mad at us based on inaccurate emotional judgements, creating unnecessary conflict.
As painfully obvious as it seems to just ask someone what they are thinking, this is not the approach that most people use. It would be beneficial to ourselves, as well as our interpersonal interactions with others, if we trained ourselves to ask these questions instead of assuming.
Accessibility of Thoughts
When discussing the accessibility of thoughts, we look at how accurate thoughts and feelings are only accessible to the person who experiences them. This means that our beliefs, motivations, and feelings are not always known to others around us, making it hard to interpret another person’s point of view.
Hidden Brain podcast
A podcast called “Mind Reading 2.0: Why did you do that?” With Shankar Ventam and Liane Young discuss how our ability to understand other people’s thoughts and motives can often result in a misunderstanding in which we fail to understand others’ thoughts. Liane Young is a professor of Psychology, and neuroscientist at Boston University, with research interests mainly focusing on morality and the mind. In this podcast, both individuals talk about how people are constantly attempting to understand people’s thoughts and intentions, often unconsciously. Liane states that we often attempt to understand people’s thoughts in order to have and maintain a discussion, to understand who likes us and who doesn’t, and whether to be expressing a certain emotion towards someone (Mind reading 2.0: Why did you do that?, 2022). In many situations, thoughts are often misinterpreted, especially in scenarios where an individual is experiencing intense emotions, like anger or sadness. She suggests that giving the benefit of the doubt to others can be extremely beneficial for us and our relationships. Because people do not directly understand how others are feelings and what they are thinking, it is important not to jump to conclusions (Mind reading 2.0: Why did you do that?, 2022).
Professor Liane Young of Boston University
As a result of the inability to understand another’s thoughts correctly, conflicts can often arise. One study found that 27% of partners sought therapy due to a lack of mutual understanding between the two (Sels et al, 2021). This shows just how essential it is to understand each other in a relationship and how critical it is to communicate our thoughts and feelings.
Misreading
An example of an inaccurate attempt to understand another’s thoughts is one partner may think that their partner is becoming distant and short-tempered with them and start an argument about the way they are acting. In reality, the individual is going through a tough time with work and is just stressed out. Small examples of this frequently happen in many households when one gets mad at another for not doing a chore that they were supposed to do. However, it may not be because they are lazy, but instead, something may have come up, and they needed to do it later instead.
Empathic Accuracy
In times of stress, anger, or sadness, people often make rash decisions and don’t confront the people that are making them feel that way appropriately. Instead of jumping to conclusions or not giving another person a chance to discuss their thoughts, it is important to take a step back, relax, and talk to them. In order to accurately perceive and understand another person’s thoughts, research suggests that individuals express their feelings to each other and that these feelings are accurately perceived by the other individual through empathic accuracy. Empathic accuracy refers to one’s ability to accurately perceive the thoughts and feelings of another during any given interaction (Ickes, 1993). This can be extremely challenging to do, as we cannot access another individual’s thoughts directly, and most of the time leads to inaccurate empathic perceptions. In fact, one study concluded that couples are often incredibly inaccurate at understanding their partner’s thoughts and feelings, with being accurate around 20 to 35% of the time (Hinnekens et al., 2016).
As there are a limited amount of studies showing the effects of empathic accuracy on a relationship, only one study has examined how indirect and direct processes affect empathic accuracy in day-to-day life. A daily diary study conducted in 2004 by Wilheim and Perrez showed that the presence of a partner nearby while experiencing some negative emotions like anger and sadness, lead to greater indirect accuracy when both partners were at home (Sened et al, 2017). This shows the physical proximity of one another is important to how empathic inferences are made.
To better our empathic accuracy, some studies have shown that verbal cues about one’s thoughts are easier to perceive accurately than nonverbal cues, which suggests that verbal communication of our thoughts results in greater empathic accuracy (Sels et al, 2021). To maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to communicate thoughts and feelings accurately to one another so that conflict does not arise due to misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
The link between expression and accurate perception is described in various other studies. However, there is limited research studying it. One daily diary study conducted by Stadler and Bolger in 2012 analzed how empathic inferences of positive and moods emotions are made by couples in days where there was no conflict and conflict. Results showed that men who experienced conflict, had higher accuracy for negative moods, while woman who had experienced a conflict assumed that their partners held the same positive and negative moods (Ickes, 1993) These assumptions can do harm to a relationship, as you assume the one feels the same way you do when in reality they may not.
One study used the Rogerian view of empathy to assess empathic accuracy in relationships. The Rogerian view of empathy consists of three criteria,- it repeatedly measures the perceiver’s empathic accuracy, and secondly, the perceiver can make their own conclusions about how the target feels. Lastly, empathic accuracy is defined as how accurate the perceiver’s inferences are to the target’s thoughts and feelings. This dyadic study found that male friends were more accurate than male strangers at making inferences about others’ thoughts and feelings. The reasons for this were believed to be due to prior existing rapport and having an already existing knowledge and understanding of the mind of the other individual (Ickes, 1993)This demonstrates that the better you know an individual, the better able you may be to make accurate inferences about their thoughts and feelings.
Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist that founded Rogerian view of empathy.
Another study examined how variables like depression can affect daily empathic accuracy in a relationship. In 2011 Mor and Rafaeli’s research found that women with depressive symptoms often had relationships where both partners held lower daily empathic accuracy. These individuals tend to overestimate negative behavior from their partners, but are typically more accurate at tracking their partners negative behaviors than those with less depressive symptoms (Sened et al, 2017).
Talk it Out!
It is important to ensure that both partners communicate their thoughts to each other so that individuals do not make incorrect inferences about what another person is feeling or thinking. People should also ensure that their thoughts are accurately perceived through empathic accuracy, as often times people misread what others are thinking. Conflicts can often arise due to misinterpretations about what someone is feeling or thinking. As Liane Young states in “Mind Reading 2.0, it is better to always assume the best and give individuals the benefit of the doubt if you are feeling hurt, or upset about what someone has communicated to you because chances are they did not mean to hurt you.
Argument Styles and Relationship Scripts
When engaging in an argument with somebody, it is important to determine the person that you are arguing with. Will the person be aggressive, speak over you, shut down any arguments that disagree with their personal beliefs and be closed minded? Will the person engage in a healthy and informative argument, suggesting different points of view, listening and considering opposing arguments? Will the person become completely passive and agree with every word that you say to them, despite their own beliefs and opinion on the matter?
Factors Impacting Conflict Styles
There are a lot of different factors that can impact the way that the argument will unfold. One of the most important factors is the argument style that a person has, which is often quite fluid. An argument style or conflict style is the way in which a person argues or approaches conflict and can change from moment to moment due to numerous factors. People’s attitudes are one key factor in how they will respond to conflict with others and determining their conflict style. Their attitudes can vary, being impacted by things such as if they are hungry, tired, comfortable, overstimulated, or stressed. Simply being in a bad mode can cause a person to confront conflict in a much more aggressive or negative way than they usually would.
Another factor influencing a person’s conflict style is their attitude correctness in that they feel that they have the correct attitude toward said argument. Dr. Kimberly Rios, a professor at Ohio University, Dr.Kenneth G. DeMarree, a professor with the University at Buffalo, and Dr. Johnathan Statzer, a professor at Texas Tech University, propose that if a person has a greater attitude correctness, this can predict that person to have a more competitive conflict style (2014).
A person’s personality can also be a huge indicator of their conflict style. Dr. Kimberly Rios, Dr. Kenneth G. DeMarree, and Dr. Johnathan Statzer (2014) suggest that different people can be more or less competitive and have different tastes for conflict and confrontation. Some people enjoy arguing, whether it be a healthy and informative argument or a one sided conflict that will go nowhere. Sometimes, this can be rooted in stubbornness. There are also some people who avoid confrontation as much as possible and are very passive. These people often will agree with something that doesn’t match their personal beliefs in order to avoid a conflict.
Dr. Kimberly Rios of Ohio University
Dr. Kenneth DeMerre of University at Buffalo
The way you respond to a conflict can be influenced by the type of conflict you are experiencing as well. When we agree with someone, are we agreeing because we have the same opinion, or are we agreeing to keep the peace and avoid conflicts that can be created when you challenge someone’s stance? This is known as agreement bias.
Hidden Brain Podcast
In this episode of HiddenBrain, Shankar Vedantam discusses with guest speaker Adam Grant personal qualities that are praised and criticized in American society. Professor Adam Grant is a bestselling author and organizational psychologist at University of Pennsylvania- an expert in how we can rethink assumptions. Throughout this podcast, Professor Grant investigated why it can be so difficult for people to question themselves. It is apparent in Western culture that we tend to favour people who are confident and certain about their opinions, and question those who use doubt and caution (You 2.0: How to Open Your Mind). While certainty is often praised, individuals who are certain in their argument tend to have single minded perspectives that are not easily changed when presented with another perspective. When we express doubt in our actions, we are allowing our mind to be open to suggestion and allows us to communicate with others more effectively (You 2.0: How to Open Your Mind). Professor Grant also discussed the phenomenon which he calls the agreement bias- why we agree with others in order to avoid conflict.
Professor Adam Grant
Task Conflict vs. Relationship conflict
The type of conflict you are experiencing can influence how you respond to others. In You 2.0: How to Open Your Mind, Adam Grant focuses on task and relationship conflicts. Task conflict refers to a disagreement about the content of a discussion, or ‘people against the problem’ (Scott Millar, Collaboration Dynamics). An example of task conflict is a disagreement with your colleague about what should be included in an upcoming project. As this is a non-personal disagreement, you are likely to challenge your colleagues’ perspective with your own and debate ideas to reach a conclusion.
Relationship conflict is focused on interpersonal differences between parties (Scott Millar, Collaboration Dynamics). An example of relationship conflict is a disagreement with your partner that has advanced into a heated argument. According to Professor Grant, this type of conflict can be more difficult to approach as anything you say to your partner could be taken personally and feel like an attack (You 2.0: How to Open Your Mind). In terms of agreement bias, it can be difficult to disagree with your partner during relationship conflicts because you risk hurting their feelings. How you proceed in the argument will also depend on if you are certain (closed minded) or if you are willing to listen to your partner’s perspective (open minded).
It can be difficult to question ourselves in a society where certainty is often favored. If we are certain during conflicts, it will be very difficult to move forward and come to a conclusion to end the disagreement. On the other hand, questioning your own thoughts and having an open mind towards other perspectives allows you to interact with others more effectively and build connections. Understanding and helping other people can drive our success.
Relationship Scripts
Relationship scripts are a framework of how a person will interact with, speak to, and treat another person based on their personal relationships with that person (Fehr et al., 1999). This varies person to person depending on their own relationships, but usually, a person does not speak to their mothers in the same manner as they would with their friends.
The same idea applies to a person’s conflict styles in that a person would not argue with their mother in the same way that they might argue with their friends. This idea also applies to the workforce and occupations. When speaking to the public while working or speaking to an employer, most times people are very polite, engaging, and agreeable. It is also common for a person’s conflict style to become completely passive while in a position of employment in order to keep the working environment professional, and under the ideology that the customer is always right, meaning, despite them being wrong most of the time, it is important to treat them as though they are correct in the matter. Some people have difficulty keeping their jobs due to the inability to remain professional and exert a passive conflict style while at work. Oftentimes, this can be related back to a person’s personality and their inability to admit that they could be wrong or see the opposing view.
In day to day life, a person’s conflict style can be altered by many factors, and knowing who it is that they are engaging in an argument with can be a beneficial indicator of what conflict style will be set forth. If the person is known to be stubborn and closed minded, sometimes some people choose to not even waste their time engaging with them, taking on a passive argument style despite the fact that they may usually enjoy conflicts and debates. Other times if they are in a bad mood, they may engage with the person despite knowing they are wasting their time, simply because they do not want to be passive in that moment.
It is important to keep these factors in mind when engaging in an argument. If you are hungry, eat first. If the person is being passive, stop trying to pursue an argument with them. Avoiding conflict is not always the answer, but being sure to engage in healthy debates is important in proper communication, and maintaining healthy relationships.
Dr. Beverley Fehr of The University of Winnipeg
Other external factors can also alter a person’s relationship scripts, argument styles, and relationship as a whole. Dr. Beverly Fehr speaks on the unique circumstances of the pandemic and how it has impacted people’s communication within their relationships due to being disconnected in the video below:
Need fulfillment as a Factor of Arguments
Self-fulfillment does not have a collective meaning that is applicable to everyone. Some people feel the most fulfilled when their own needs and expectations from others are met, whereas others feel most satisfied when they can help someone else. The way that someone argues can depend on what fulfillment means to them. For example, people who crave a position of power over others could argue their point and do whatever it takes to be heard. On the other hand, a person who is sensitive to how they are perceived by others could be submissive in their agreements in order to match expectations.
Another factor that can impact how we argue with others is the concept of self-fulfilling prophecies. Research suggests that our thoughts, along with the things we focus our mental energy on, can become a physical reality (Sharma and Sharma, 2015). This means that our outlook towards people and situations can be influenced by what we are thinking in our mind. If you wake up and decide that you are going to have a bad day, it is likely that you will have a bad day because of attitudes that have been created from this thought. By having this negative outlook, you may unconsciously affirm the belief that you will have a bad day and limit yourself from enjoyable things (Ackerman, 2018).
A self-fulfilling prophecy includes three steps. First, someone must have a false belief about another person. Secondly, the person who holds this false belief must treat the other person in a way that is consistent with the belief. Finally, in response to being treated differently based on an existing belief, the person who is being targeted by the false belief confirms the false belief. (Sharma and Sharma, 2015). While self-fulfilling prophecies do not always control behaviors, there are conditions which can make the impact of these prophecies feel major. Being aware that these conditions exist can allow you to better control your emotions during interpersonal interactions.
Conflicts Inevitability
Everyone wants healthy relationships, whether it’s with family, co-workers, or your romantic partner. At its core, argument is communication and making this form of communication of desires and needs as healthy as possible can be aided if you pay greater attention to variables that can worsen conflict. The importance of fostering positive relationships is highlighted well by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson in her book Love 2.0 (2014). In this book Dr. Fredrickson discusses the positive impacts that improving conflict management can have on interpersonal relationships, like deepening connections with romantic partners and strengthening team building at work. All of this can be accomplished with the tools and tricks we discuss throughout this blog and within our podcast, helping you create the foundation for healthier conflict management when the inevitable argument arises.
This blog and podcast combined have provided you with a workbook of tools that are commonly known to escalate or worsen arguments and how a simple change in perspective can help these variables work to our advantage. Next time you find yourself in an argument we recommend that you try being more aware of your emotions and what is influencing them, asking your partner what they mean instead of guessing, and being aware of how you communicate your needs and desires and try to understand the other person’s perspective. Lastly, don’t be stubborn.
References
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Becker, J. C. (2010). Why Do Women Endorse Hostile and Benevolent Sexism? The Role of Salient Female Subtypes and Internalization of Sexist Contents. Sex Roles, 62(7), 453–467. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-009-9707-4
Fehr, B., Baldwin, M., Collins, L., Patterson, S., & Benditt, R. (1999). Anger in Close Relationships:An Interpersonal Script Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(3), 275–399. https://doi-org.qe2a-proxy.mun.ca/10.1177/0146167299025003003
Fredrickson, B. (2014). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become. Plume.
Hidden Brain Media. (2022, August 2). Mind reading 2.0: Why did you do that? Retrieved December 9, 2022, from https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/mind-reading-why-did-you-do-that/
Hidden Brain Media. (2022). How to Really Know Another Person. https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/how-to-really-know-another-person/
Hidden Brain Media. (2022). You 2.0: How to Open Your Mind https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/the-easiest-person-to-fool/
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Millar, S. (2021). Task vs. relationship conflict. Collaboration Dynamics. https://www.collaborationdynamics.com/blog/m3dtj2s0gyx13zy453ai19ommvla1t#:~:text=Task%20conflict%20
Rios, K., DeMarree, K. G., & Statzer, J. (2014). Attitude Certainty and Conflict Style: Divergent Effects of Correctness and Clarity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 819–830. https://doi-org.qe2a-proxy.mun.ca/10.1177/0146167214528991
Sels, L., Ickes, W., Hinnekens, C., Ceulemans, E., & Verhofstadt, L. (2021). Expressing thoughts and feelings leads to greater empathic accuracy during relationship conflict. Journal of Family Psychology.
Sened, H., Yovel, I., Bar-Kalifa, E., Gadassi, R., & Rafaeli, E. (2017). Now you have my attention: Empathic accuracy pathways in couples and the role of conflict. Emotion, 17(1), 155.
Sharma, N. and Sharma, K., (2015). ‘Self-Fulfilling Prophecy’: A Literature Review. International Journal of Interdisciplinary and Multidisciplinary Studies (IJIMS), 41- 52.
UNC College. (2012). LOVE 2.0 by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxxIh8NtGfw
Woltin, K., & Yzerbyt, V. Y. (2020). From regulation to projection: Reliance on regulatory mode in predictions about others. European Journal of Social Psychology, 50(7), 1379–1393. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2660