Not for this world

Saki Eggs
Saki Eggs
Sep 8, 2018 · 2 min read

St. Vincent’s Hang on Me has been my anthem for the past few days. When she sings “you and me, we’re not for this world” I could picture her telling me that it is ME & HER who are not meant to be in this place we call the world.

I deeply feel that I have no more significance in here. It’s not that I am utterly useless nor I am superbly magnificent. This is just not the place for me. The world is indeed an amazing place. It is inhabited by lots of wonderful people and things. There is a lot that I haven’t seen and experienced yet but I am already 100% sure that it still has a lot to offer that could amuse me. At the same time, I am now 98% sure that I have nothing to take from here that could fill the void in my existence. I have been doomed to live unhappily. As long as I am here, I will just be treading with some ounces of emptiness, dread, loneliness, and helplessness. And I know that I can get better, I can set aside these crippling thoughts and live quite peacefully (i.e less crying). I’ve been through a lot to know that I can resume daily living even after a series of meltdowns. I know that for sure now. But I also know that these episodes will just keep on coming back.

I guess, to describe my being, it’s just simply sad. It is sad to the core. But to wade through this life, I need to constantly distract myself. Distract by finding things, activities, people. I need a distraction in order to feel other emotions. Because if there’s none, my core will be exposed. Sadness will creep out of me forcing me to write things like this.

Saki Eggs

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Saki Eggs

This blog is dark and full of sadness