Not for this world
St. Vincent’s Hang on Me has been my anthem for the past few days. When she sings “you and me, we’re not for this world” I could picture her telling me that it is ME & HER who are not meant to be in this place we call the world.
I deeply feel that I have no more significance in here. It’s not that I am utterly useless nor I am superbly magnificent. This is just not the place for me. The world is indeed an amazing place. It is inhabited by lots of wonderful people and things. There is a lot that I haven’t seen and experienced yet but I am already 100% sure that it still has a lot to offer that could amuse me. At the same time, I am now 98% sure that I have nothing to take from here that could fill the void in my existence. I have been doomed to live unhappily. As long as I am here, I will just be treading with some ounces of emptiness, dread, loneliness, and helplessness. And I know that I can get better, I can set aside these crippling thoughts and live quite peacefully (i.e less crying). I’ve been through a lot to know that I can resume daily living even after a series of meltdowns. I know that for sure now. But I also know that these episodes will just keep on coming back.
I guess, to describe my being, it’s just simply sad. It is sad to the core. But to wade through this life, I need to constantly distract myself. Distract by finding things, activities, people. I need a distraction in order to feel other emotions. Because if there’s none, my core will be exposed. Sadness will creep out of me forcing me to write things like this.
