The Tale of Mario’s Kart Tour: Toadsworth’s Revenge
A story by Murmer Shroost.
AUTHOR’S NOTE:
This fan fiction is a MATURE work of satire. There are multiple scenes of graphic, goomba violence and occasional sexually suggestive content. NSFW!
You are welcome to share it in whole or part, it is not meant to be sold for money or monetized.
Thanks for reading!
Introduction
It has been said before that war never ends, it simply pauses before inevitably returning, worse than before. Perhaps this is true, but the idea can lead one to unsettling conclusions and is inherently pessimistic. It is, however, quite accurate when describing the Mushroom War, which despite the numbers added and name changes applied, is the same war it’s always been. The same exact war for nearly two centuries, an unending blood-bath pitting millions of innocent toads and goombas against each other. The same war started by a long-dead King of the Koopa Kingdom, continued to this day by both sides out of an anger that long ago lost any justification. For every year of peace and treaties, there seemed to be another five around the corner full of death, bodies, rotting mushroom corpses in a field of ash and smoke where it seemed no one could take victory over the grotesque scene left behind. The common goomba had never seen Princess Peach and only vaguely knew who she was. After so many years of conflict there was such a hatred between the sides that the fighting seemed to justify itself. That is, it was only right to slaughter toads when so many of your fellow goombas had been killed just the same. It didn’t matter who had kidnapped who, only that spear tips and blades met the soft, mushroomy flesh of the enemy. This is the world of Mario, a place of perpetual war and gruesome battle. A place where whole towns of toads and goombas would be slaughtered overnight, sometimes hundreds or thousands, just to advance that side’s cause even a little bit. And not just the men, but the women and the children too. Often, towns downriver would know of a battle simply from the reddening of the nearby river. Then, to their horror, they would find that goombas and toads don’t travel much slower than water, and the river would darken even more. This is the world of Mario, a violent place where the only hope for peace is a former plumber turned race kart driver. Mario, a simple man who has already begun on his journey even if he doesn’t know it yet. This is the man who will change the world, if he survives.
Act One
Chapter 1
It was bright and sunny when Mario woke up in his bed, but this wasn’t a peaceful awakening. He heard crashing from downstairs in his house- Who was here? Luigi had left for a trip not 2 days ago, and he wasn’t due back for at least a week. The only other person with a key was Peach, but it was very unlike her to come and visit without any notice, especially if he was sleeping. Besides, she was very busy these days. So who could it be? He thought that maybe Yoshi had broken in and started making a mess of his place, but he still scanned his bedroom for a weapon. It was a small, simple bedroom on the top level of his 2-story mushroom-shaped house, in the cap. He had no desire for luxuries or the finer things, and his bedroom keenly reflected that: a simple wooden bed; a simple bookshelf only half full, and half of that being worthless trinkets and baubles; a small table and chair where Mario could do all his writing; and lastly, in the corner of the room, there was a chest with his valuables. He thought for a second before lifting the entire chest above his head, about 200 pounds of gold coins and starmen. The raw heft of the item would make quite a potent weapon in strong hands. Weapon in hand, he crept quietly down the stairs.
As he looked around the corner of the stairwell into his living room, he was shocked by what he saw: A goomba! The goomba was already looking in his direction as he peeked, freezing completely when he saw he was spotted. Mario bent his knees a bit and got ready to hurl the massive chest, an attack the goomba stood no chance against. Mario was surprised again when the goomba spoke, hoarsely at first-
“W-wait! Don’t hurt me! Please!” Mario was slightly amused by his plea.
“It’s-a me, Mario! And I’ma gonna spaghettifi your insides if you don’t tell me why you’re here!” said Mario, clearly terrifying the little goomba that much more.
“I-I needed your kart plans. Bowser sent me, he said you were cheating in the Grand Prix and he could prove it.”
Mario expressed visible confusion. “I’ma not cheating at Grand Prix. I don’t care about winning, just the competition.”
“Y-yea, I didn’t think you knew about it. The toads! The toads are the ones altering your kart, and they’re doing it at Peach’s request!”
“Uh huh, and King Bowser senda only one goomba to get the plans?”
“I’m highly trained, but yea, I guess so”
Mario frowned, “You, Mr. Goomba, are lying to me. Tell me the truth!”
“W-what? That is the truth! I’m not…”
Mario’s frown deepened as he lifted the chest above his head. The goomba’s eyes grew wide, like dinner plates.
“Wrong-a answer, Mr. Goomba” and before the goomba could even respond, the chest had annihilated his entire body. In the process, goomba blood and brains shot out with explosive force, even landing on Mario a good 20 feet away. “Mr. Goomba not-a even lowly trained.” said Mario, proudly. Like his bedroom, the living room was a simple room with plain, wooden furniture. The only difference was that now his living room had a thin coating of goomba juice in most places. This would definitely be a challenge to clean, something he hadn’t even thought of before throwing the chest. He stumbled back upstairs, cleaned himself and put on fresh clothes. Despite this odd beginning to his day, he still had important things to do and the goomba mess could wait.
Rushing out his front door, he didn’t even bother to lock it, imagining the horror inside would deter most thieves. Captain Toad had requested his assistance today, needing training before he could become a licensed Kart racer and officially be added to the roster. Like most toads, he lacked any natural talent in driving but had an excess of ambition. This usually proved to be a fatal combo in Kart racing, but Mario had this strange feeling that Captain Toad was too important to die. On his way to the race track, he saw something odd- two toads, bickering loudly in the street.
“-and you never share your mushrooms! Even though I share with you!” said the yellow toad, angrily. The green toad responded.
“So what? You offer me mushrooms, I’ll take ’em. Doesn’t mean you get any back!”
“What?! You’re supposed to share with your friends, what if mushroom-picking doesn’t go well for you and you’re still hungry? That’s how a society thrives!” The yellow toad seemed to be getting more and more upset.
“Society? How about I thrive? And you’re not even my friend, just an annoying neighbor!” The green toad was basically spitting in the yellow toads face. That’s when Mario saw the first punch- the yellow toad caught the green toad off guard, knocking him to the ground. The green toad was on his feet almost immediately, but Mario stepped in before any more punches could be thrown.
“Hey! It’s-a me, Mario! What is this all about?” Mario was almost twice the height of either toad and directly between them, so neither seemed interested in continuing the physical aspect of the fight. Still, the anger was strong.
“This toad has the nerve to eat my mushrooms and STILL report my house for a code violation! My grass wasn’t even that overgrown!” The yellow toad was fuming.
“Yea and he’d rather live like he’s in a trailer than a mushroom house. Obviously some neighbors don’t like that!” The green toad didn’t seem that upset, just snide. Mario knew the solution.
Standing over the green toad so was fully in his shadow, Mario spoke slowly and with purpose.
“You-a gonna listen here, green toad. He’s-a your neighbor, if you can’t live next to him peacefully and share your mushrooms then I’m-a gonna find you a new home and it won’t be this nice. Not-a that nice at all.”
Green toad gulped, then spoke “N-now that you say it like that, I guess I should share some of my mushrooms. Yellow toad, how many mushrooms did you want again?”
With a sly smile, yellow toad responded, “6 will be plenty. Thanks Mario!”
“I’ma gonna check on you guys later, learn-a to live next to each other!” and with that Mario continued to the race track.
Upon reaching the Kart race track, Mario found that Captain Toad was already there waiting for him. The track on which they would be training was Mario circuit, an iconic track named after Mario when he won his fourth Grand Prix. That was a long time ago, but the name had remained since. Spotting him near the entrance of the track, Captain Toad ran over, delighted to see Mario.
“Mario! What a beautiful day to race!” A toad’s positivity could be contagious or repulsive, depending on your mindset. After spending so much time around toads, Mario found their attitude more charming than not.
“It’s-a great day, Captain! Can’t-a wait to get out on the track!” And Mario wasn’t lying. Any day that began with him literally crushing the life out of a goomba was bound to be good. The clean up wouldn’t be fun, but he could just hire toads for that.
“You said you would teach me drifting today. Are we still doing that?”
“Yes-a sir, Captain Toad. We-a gonna start off simple and then go from there. You ready?” Mario began to suit up, then remembered that he had nothing to suit up in because safety equipment was banned in Kart racing. A silly rule, for sure, and probably one of the reasons so many toads died while racing. But none of the named characters had ever been injured so no one really cared. Well, toads cared, but no one really cared about toads.
Hopping in the 2 seater trainer Kart (left over from the Double Dash racing series years prior) Mario had Captain Toad go around the track, slowly at first, warming him up and building his confidence before they started drifting. Captain could follow the track well enough, but this was still just 50cc. Mario hadn’t let him race at a higher speed yet. After finishing their 10th lap, Mario had him start to drift. This is where everything fell apart, as Captain Toad slid all over the track and even into walls. Luckily, Captain and Mario were both main characters so they were relatively unscathed by the frequent collisions, even though it should have caused intense head and spine injuries. The kart, however, quickly became damaged. I mean it didn’t, because karts were also inexplicably invincible but either way they pulled in for a pit stop. Pit Crew toad jogged out to the kart to assess the damage. There was none, because like I said before karts were completely invincible and never broke down or ran out of gas, but Pit Crew Toad went through the motions anyways so he could keep his completely pointless job.
“You-a need to counter-steer during your drifts, but not-a too much now.” Mario had said this before but maybe this time Captain would actually get it.
“It’s so hard though! It doesn’t go in the direction you’re pointed!” Captain said, almost word for word what Mario had heard from so many new drivers previously.
“No it doesn’t. You-a gotta figure out where it’s actually going and adjust-a the angle by steering.”
“Oh ok, it’s just so hard though.”
“Don’t-a worry,” said Mario hopefully, “you-a gonna get it if you keepa trying.”
Pit Crew Toad finished fixing the kart. Actually, there was nothing to fix in the first place so he’d just been walking around the kart for about a minute, kicking the tires and checking bolts with his fingers. Holy fuck, was Pit Crew Toad usless and completely unneccesary. But he was still a part of the roster somehow.
Getting back in the kart, Mario could see Captain Toad was slowly getting better at drifting. Each lap showed a little improvement until he wasn’t even colliding with walls anymore. Maybe Captain toad could actually be a Grand Prix racer thought Mario. Perhaps even a Grand Prix winner? No, he thought, a toad could never win the Grand Prix. It’d never happened before. Still, Captain Toad showed promise.
Eventually the sun began to set, and although Captain could still drive at night because he basically has a big ass headlight on his head, Mario didn’t want to throw too many new things at him. Besides, they were both getting exhausted. They talked about kart racing for probably another hour, sitting in the stands of the track. Captain Toad wanted to know everything, whether it was chain-drifting or mushroom use optimization, he was fascinated by all the facets of kart racing. Mario was almost sad when he told Captain he had to go because it was late, but the little toad understood and they parted ways. The journey back wasn’t very eventful, and Mario found himself drawn into his thoughts. The Mushroom Kingdom was at war, and though he was an accomplished plumber and kart racer, he knew that his true passion — goomba stomping — would probably come into play very soon. Peach wouldn’t force him to go, she wasn’t like that, but he knew she would ask and they both knew he would do whatever she asked of him. Killing goombas for Princess Peach. It’s-a gonna be just like old times. This sent a shiver down his spine, but he couldn’t tell if it was fear or anticipation. It was probably a mix of both. Continuing down the road, he came up to yellow and green toads’ houses. He wondered if they had truly resolved their differences, but then he noticed something. Something gruesome. A twisted form lay halfway in a bush on the road. Then he saw the yellow and white mushroom hat and gasped in horror, realizing it was the dead, lifeless body of yellow toad. His head was twisted 180 degrees and his arms were bent at unnatural angles. He couldn’t see the rest of the toad, but it was presumably just as twisted and mangled. He marched towards the green toad’s house, convinced of who the murderer was. Toads murdering toads. It was almost unheard of, but Mario could think of no other suspect. No matter what though, Mario would get to the bottom of this.
Chapter 2
There was a loud crashing sound as Mario kicked open the door. The lights were on, but he couldn’t find green toad anywhere in the house. Even worse, he found a trail of blood leading out of the back door. Returning to yellow toad’s contorted, battered body, he found that the poor toad was beaten to death but not very bloody. He certainly hadn’t caused the trail of blood out the back door, going in the opposite direction of his final resting place. And that meant that green toad probably wasn’t responsible for this horrible crime, he was likely a victim just the same.
Mario called for help and toads began crowding the area. Eventually police toads came and secured the scene, but Mario had already left, following the trail of blood out the back door to see where it led. It stopped shortly outside but he walked in the general direction it pointed, through an open field lined on the far edges by trees probably 200 feet away on each side. Towards the treeline at the end of the field, he found what he was looking for: green toad’s bloody body. Well half of it at least. The bottom half of his body, from the stomach down, was missing and in its place was a loose collection of organs that had spilled from the toad’s chest. His head and chest were beaten and bloody, almost to the point of being unrecognizable. The rest of the toad was nowhere in sight.
He looked closely at green toad’s corpse and saw teeth marks, large round teeth marks. Bowser? It was unlikely, the Koopa King didn’t do his own dirty work unless it was important. Besides, why would he kill a couple of common toads in the middle of the Mushroom Kingdom? It made no sense. But it could have been one of Bowser’s minions, unleashed on the Mushroom Kingdom to cause havoc. Maybe even a Koopaling. He couldn’t know for sure, but at least he had something to go on.
Mario returned to the gaggle of toads and police toads. Some EMS toads were here now but he doubted there was anything to be done. He told his findings to a police toad and continued down the road to his home, shaken by what he had seen. This level of savagery usually only came from goombas, koopas were much more civilized and would fight with weapons, if anything. But these certainly weren’t hammer injuries. And had it been a Koopaling, why had none of the toads reported seeing one nearby? They didn’t exactly blend in and they weren’t known for their stealth. Koopalings were much more likely to kill openly, with complete disregard for who saw it. So who had killed the toads? Mario didn’t know.
Opening the door to his house, Mario was greeted with the pungent scent of rotting mushroom. Oh fuck, the goomba. He had never cleaned it up. He walked through puddles of goomba juice to his phone, looking for a 24/7 cleaning service in the phone book. That’s right, this version of the Mushroom Kingdom has like mid to late twentieth century technology, but only some of it and only when it’s convenient to the plot. Don’t worry about it. Anyway, Mario called a cleaning service who told him they could be there in an hour. He considered eating while he waited, he was actually quite hungry, but the dead goomba had made him wholly uninterested in eating any mushrooms. Instead, he went up to his room to write a letter to Luigi.
Luigi had been on a trip to some Mansion he had inherited or something. Mario wasn’t sure, he was fond of his brother but still often ignored him. Luigi didn’t say much of importance anyways. Mario began writing:
“Dearest brother Luigi, this is Mario. I’m writing to you to ask you, when you return, if you will join me in fighting goombas on the front line of the war. I anticipate being called into action soon by my beloved Princess Peach, and I must honor that call. I would greatly appreciate your help though when I go.
-With all my love, your brother Mario
P.S. I still think that mansion is a waste of time, even if you fix it up it won’t be worth anything. Property values in that area are abysmal. You should sell that piece of garbage and get a new 3-story mushroom house!”
Mario then wrote in his journal for a while until the toad cleaners arrived. They were shocked at the scale and horror of the job, but they got to work immediately. Mario finally ate, unable to hold off any longer, but he took his meal outside. Sitting under the stars, Mario considered who could have been responsible for the murders, and why they would even do it. And what about that goomba? Even if he was lying, why would he show up this deep in the Mushroom Kingdom on the same day as another one of Bowser’s minions? They had to be working together, but Mario couldn’t connect the dots yet.
“Mr. Mario?” One of the cleaner toads had walked out of the house, approaching Mario with a piece of paper in his hand. “We found this on the body- I mean, in the mush.” He handed Mario a gross, wet slip of paper. He could only make out some of the writing:
“ Get the- -located in Mario’s house on ground flo- -doesn’t know it’s there- -won’t notice it’s gone. Just tell Ma- -looking for kart plans or something if compromised. -L”
Mario didn’t know exactly what the note was talking about or who “L” was, but he at least had another lead to go off.
Suddenly, there was a scream from the cleaner toad who handed Mario the note. He stood at the open front door of the house, frozen. Mario ran up to him and saw what he was looking at: all the cleaner toads lay dead on the ground, slaughtered by some unknown force. Every drawer was open and items were strewn about the house as if someone had been searching for something. There was no trace of the perpetrator, but the back door was wide open, just like green toad’s house. There was no doubt in Mario’s mind- this was the same thing that had killed green and yellow toad, and when the goomba failed his mission this morning, they had sent it to finish the job. It was stronger than any goomba, much stronger. And it was still out there.
Running through the dark forest, Mario couldn’t see where he was going. He bumped into trees, stumbled over logs and found himself assaulted by branches and vines. It didn’t matter though, he was following the violent screams of toads off in the far distance, letting the sound guide him through the black woods. Only minutes ago he had been at his house, ready to turn in for the night. But he couldn’t sleep now, not after what had happened and was still happening somewhere nearby. Whatever creature this was, Mario knew it was too strong for the toads to defeat by themselves. He was their only hope. Seeing a soft orange light through the trees now, Mario knew he was close. The screams were still piercing his ears, but he heard something else now- the crackle of fire and the smell of smoke. What was burning? He rushed out of the trees only to be greeted by a thin layer of smoke and multiple, burning mushroom homes. There were plenty of fires, but no sign of any creature. Mario looked around but didn’t see any firetoads on the scene yet, so he ran inside the closest burning house. Finding it empty, he went to the next one and found the flames nearly impassable. However, the screams of a helpless toad lured him deeper, until he found the little guy balled up in the corner of his bedroom. Toads were small and light, so the former plumber had no trouble carrying him back to the safety of the road. With an unnatural speed even Mario didn’t know he possessed, he sprinted from house to house, saving every toad he could find. Then he saw it: a lone goomba, holding a torch and standing next to a mushroom home that had not caught fire yet. He thought he was quick before, but now with the culprit in sight his speed only increased. He closed the 200 foot distance in probably 3 seconds. Tackling the goomba (taking care not to crush the thing) he knocked the torch down and threw it away from the home. Now it was time to get some answers.
The goomba was tied up to a chair in Luigi’s living room, struggling against its bonds. Mario’s house was basically ruined at this point, and he doubted any toad cleaner would ever step foot in there again. Also, his brother would be gone for at least another week so Luigi’s house would be empty for a while. He punched the goomba to get its attention.
“Yellow and green toad, you-a mother fucka. What-a do you know about them?” Mario normally towered several feet over the typical goomba, so he must have been extra intimidating to this sitting goomba.
“Fuck you Mario.” spat the goomba, clearly not that scared. Mario could fix that. Taking the cigarette out of his mouth (vapes don’t exist yet in this universe, ok?) he put the lit end into the goomba’s eye. The creature shrieked in pain.
“So I’m-a gonna make this very clear. You-a gonna die tonight, no doubt. The only question is-a how much you wanna suffer before that.” Mario stared intently at the goomba.
“I’ll suffer as much as I have to, I’m a true LTM!” this goomba didn’t seem to respond to reason, like most goombas.
“What-a do you mean, LTM? Is that-a Bowser’s new plan?”
“Ha! Bowser? I work for a different master, and if you don’t even know that yet, you’re hopeless. You’ll never stop us!” the goomba barely got the last word out before a fist slammed into the side of his mouth. Then the other side, then again. A small goomba tooth flew out of his mouth with the last punch.
“Who are-a you working for? Tell me!” Mario could feel the anger building inside him.
“If you have to sit here, punching me for info you should already know, that means you’re hopeless! HOPELESS! Haha!”
“You-a little bitch, tell me!” Mario unleashed a flurry of blows as he said this, leaving the goomba’s face dripping with blood.
“I just like to kill toads, and I got to do that. I don’t know green or yellow toad, but I wish I could have killed them too!” and Mario saw the goomba smile through all the blood and bruises.
“Well-a, I like to kill-a goombas!” said Mario as his right fist came forward, giving the goomba only a split second to change his smile to frown before the full might of the punch hit him. Mario didn’t stop at his face though, his hand continued through the goomba’s skull out the back side, obliterating most of his brain in the process. When it was over, goomba blood and brains covered about half of Mario and had gotten all over Luigi’s living room. It wasn’t as bad as before, but this also wasn’t his house, so Mario dialed up the toad cleaners.
There was a knock at the door, but it wasn’t the toad cleaners- it was Toadsworth.
“Hello, good sir Mario!” said Toadsworth, more with politeness than any kind of cheer.
“Hello, Mr. Toadsworth, it’s-a me, Mario! What-a brings you here?” Mario was surprised by the visit, Toadsworth usually didn’t stay up late.
“Well I stopped by your house first, but that proved to be a mistake. I wish I hadn’t seen that. But then I saw the lights on in here and thought Luigi might be home. But I guess it was you.”
“There-a was a bit of a break in or two, don’t-a know what they took but the toads-a were in the middle of it.”
“Tragic, just tragic. Anyways, I’m here because the Princess is in need of your help. Seems some of Bowser’s minions have been causing trouble nearby.”
“I’m-a already on the case. Whatever killed green and yellow toad is still out there, and I’m-a gonna find it.” And as Mario said ‘green toad’ he saw Toadsworth’s face go blank. Something was wrong.
“Did you say green toad? Green toad was hurt?!” Toadsworth was visibly upset.
“Yes-a, you did not know? Something got-a him and his neighbor. I don’t-a know what yet.” and after Mario said that, Toadsworth dropped to his knees.
“I-I never told anyone… ..but green toad was actually my son. He didn’t even know.”
“Oh, no, Mr. Toadsworth, are-a you ok?” Mario put his arm around the old, weeping toad.
“I-I’ll be fine. There’s just something you need to do for me Mario, something important.”
“Any-a Thing-a”
“P-promise me you’ll get revenge on these monsters. I-I can’t do it myself”
“Of course-a, Mr. Toadsworth. I will-a do this for you.” Mario kept holding the crying toad.
Chapter 3
William Wiggler woke up to the smell of blueberry leaves and nuts being roasted on a fire. Breakfast. Wigglers didn’t eat meat, and in most cases preferred leaves to vegetables or fruits. Blueberry leaves were especially delicious, and cooked on an open fire with nuts, they formed a hearty Wiggler breakfast. William got up quickly from his tree stump bed and grabbed his baseball cap from the dresser. Without it, he would be indistinguishable from any other Wiggler and thus it was his only source of identity. He treasured that hat, given to him by his father who was also named William. He took one last look around the bedroom, basically just the hollow interior of a gigantic tree with various tree-inspired pieces of furniture, then went outside.
The kitchen was open air, about half way out on a massive branch so fires couldn’t destroy the rest of the home. Due to the open-flames used in Wiggler cooking, this was always a serious risk. He saw his wife Wendy Wiggler, his teenage son Wyatt Wiggler and his young daughter Wanda Wiggler at the table, ready to eat.
“Hey dad!” his kids said, almost in unison. They were always happy to see him. He wished he could tell them more, tell them what he really did for a living. He never could though. William filled his plate with leaves and nuts and passively listened to the conversations at the table, more entranced by his thoughts than anything else. He couldn’t stop thinking about his mission, received just last night from HQ. It would be his most difficult yet, taking him into the heart the Mushroom Kingdom to take out a target thought impossible to defeat. Many had tried and failed before him. William would succeed though. He knew it, he’d never failed a mission before and this one would be no different. William was LTM’s most accomplished assassin, able to blend in with Bowser’s minions and among the toads, simply because wigglers weren’t seen as threats. He certainly was a threat though, able to move silently and kill with dozens of throwing daggers hidden on his body. No one had ever come close to stopping him, he was a ghost.
As he left to go on his journey to the Mushroom Kingdom, he hugged his wife and kids and told them he’d be back soon, reciting the same made up story about how this was some business trip to sell Wiggler shoes. In a sense, it was a business trip but instead of shoes he was selling something you couldn’t refuse to buy. Death. The Wiggler swamps surprisingly had a functional international airport, though it wasn’t a particularly good airport because the terminals were spread really far apart and there was no tram system. It was often the case that you would miss your connecting flight and the duty-free shops were really overpriced so it was just generally not a good airport. William flew with a fake passport under a different name, Walter Wiggler, and got on the flight without a hitch. From there it would just be a 16 hour flight until he was in the Mushroom Kingdom. He would still have to travel a bit, but he figured it would be less than 24 hours before Mario was dead.
Chapter 4
Mario didn’t have much to go on. Just that the group was called ‘LTM’ and that their leader was known as ‘L’. There were clearly goombas involved, so a good place to start would be Larry Koopa’s castle in Grass Land. He was the weakest of the Koopalings so he would be the easiest one to extract information from. His name also started with an ‘L’, meaning there was a small chance he could be the ringleader, though Mario thought it was much more likely to be Ludwig von Koopa, if anything. Hopping in his kart, Mario drove from Luigi’s house towards the direction of Grass Land.
Stopping at a gas station near the edge of the Mushroom Kingdom, he picked up a couple items that he needed: Mushrooms, some water and a copy of Mustaches Monthly. The magazine had long been a staple in Mario’s life, guiding him on all the new mustache trends in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario had it delivered to his house, but he’d forgotten to bring his copy and he was keenly interested in finishing an article on 5 light weight mustache creams that still have a surprising amount of hold. As he left the shop, he saw an old friend pull up in his kart: DK. This part of the Mushroom Kingdom was near DK’s Jungle, so it wasn’t surprising to see him out here.
“DK, it’s-a me, Mario!” the old ape turned quickly when Mario spoke, surprised to see him.
“Huuua!, Huuuua!” said DK, speaking in an ape dialect only comprehensible to characters in this universe. He probably said ‘Hello, Mario!’.
“I’m-a on my way to Larry’s castle, I think-a Bowser has a new minion. It’s-a something bad.”
“Huuua!, Huuuua!” said DK, once again speaking in his ape dialect. He said something like, ‘There are strange things happening in the Jungle too. Apes have gone missing.’
“Really? That’s-a not just a coincidence, I think. Do-a you know about LTM?” and DK frowned as Mario said that. He knew something.
“LTM, bad news” said DK in english. Yes, he can do that too.
“What-a do you know? What-a does it stand for?”
“Me not know, just know it’s bad. Kills apes.” DK turned somber, seemingly lost in thoughts about his fallen brothers.
“Well it’s-a me, Mario, and I will-a get to the bottom of this. Don’t-a worry.” and Mario gave the hairy giant a one arm hug. And with that, he was on the road again.
Grass Land actually had more than just grass, if you can believe that. It was probably one of the nicer places in the Koopa Kingdom, and one of the only places in the world where goombas and toads actually got along and lived side-by-side. Even during active war, Larry Koopa was so inept at ruling his land, most goombas didn’t fight for him or even really care about whatever conflict Bowser wanted to throw them in. And toads for that matter weren’t even in the Mushroom Kingdom, so they were never called to battle. It was generally a peaceful place, though elements of crime still permeated the local toad and goomba communities. Perhaps they would know something about LTM.
Mario’s first stop was a goomba bar and strip joint called ‘The Dancing Goomba’, a seedy local establishment that catered to the bizarre and perverted tastes of goombas. If you’ve never seen a goomba strip club, then count yourself lucky because they were some of the worst, most disgusting places that existed in either kingdom. To put it mildly, goomba strippers were repulsive and generally hard to unsee. You may not think goombas wear clothes, but they do and it covers up some nasty stuff. Unfortunately, it wasn’t anything Mario hadn’t seen before and if LTM was anywhere, they’d be here.
Sitting down at the bar, he stuck out like a sore thumb among the mostly goomba patronage of the club. There were even a couple of toads getting their sick desires satiated, but Mario was taller than all of them. That was fine though, as LTM wasn’t exactly subtle and they would probably come to him. He looked around for anything out of the ordinary, scanning the dim and dirty strip club until he saw a bunch of rough looking goombas off in the corner. They locked eyes. The goombas know I’m here now. Let’s see what happens thought Mario.
“Hey there, big man.” Mario whipped around to see a pinkish goomba in skimpy clothing. She had clearly been around the block a few times. Gross.
“Fuck-a off, I’m-a just here for a drink.” He couldn’t risk any kindness, the last thing he wanted was a loose goomba rubbing herself all over him.
“Whatever, fuck you too!” and with that she stormed off. Then, Mario realized he actually didn’t have a drink yet, so he ordered one. Mushroom whiskey was his standard drink, and if you’ve never tried mushroom whiskey than you should know it’s good, but somewhat worse than regular whiskey. But everyone here insists on putting mushrooms in things, so you’re not going to get a whiskey without it. As he sipped his whiskey, Mario thought about the war going on in the North. Grass Land was peaceful, but if he tried to go to any of the other Koopa Kingdoms then he would meet serious opposition. What he needed was a group of highly skilled individuals, people that could go into difficult situations and do what would be impossible for others. What he needed was Captain Toad’s Toad Brigade. The Toad Brigade was a specialized group of killers, adaptable to any combat scenario with thousands of hours of training and dozens of missions under their belt. If anyone could lead Mario into the rest of Koopa Kingdom, it would be them. Besides, Captain Toad saw Mario as a mentor, he would agree to do the mission in a heartbeat.
“The fuck’re you doin’ in my club, toad lover?” A very tough looking goomba sat next to him at the bar. This goomba was very different than most, he was big and muscular with 2 massive scars forming an ‘X’ below his left eye. Tattoos covered his body and face, though most of them were indecipherable cliches like hearts and knives and stuff.
“And-a who the fuck is asking?” said Mario, never one to back down from a goomba.
“Gomar Goomba. And I’ll cut ya if you don’t give me a very good reason fo’ why you’re here.” That’s when Mario saw the massive dagger floating where Gomar’s left hand should have been. (Goombas are fucking weird)
“LTM. Are-a you a part of them?” Mario knew he could take the goomba if he had to.
“The fuck? I’m one of Bowser’s minions, not one of those traitor LTMs!” Gomar seemed upset by Mario’s insinuation.
“Then-a we, Mr. Gomar, have a lot to talk about.” and Mario knew he had found someone with answers.
“LTM? They’re just a buncha thugs. I don’t know what it stands for, but I know they don’t work for Bowser.” Gomar was an unsightly goomba, one of Bowser’s ugliest minions but he at least seemed to be telling the truth.
“And-a what about their leader L? Who is he?” Mario could feel he was getting close to the truth.
“He ain’t Bowser, and he ain’t Peach. As far as I know, he uses minions from both kingdoms but I couldn’t tell ya for what purpose.”
“He-a uses toads?!?” Mario was stunned to hear this.
“Toads, goombas, koopas, shy guys, thwomps and hell, I think he even has some lumas on his payroll. Seems no one has escaped his influence.”
“And-a where is he? Is he working with one of the Koopalings?”
“Working with ‘em? He stole a ton of gold coins from Morton Koopa recently, now he and his minions have a price on their head in Desert Land. The other Koopalings hate him just as much. No, he’s not working with them.”
“Would-a Morton know anything else about LTM?” Mario didn’t think it was a strong lead, but Grass Land didn’t seem to have a large LTM presence and he needed more information.
“It’s worth a shot. But if you’re traveling into Koopa Kingdom, you’ll probably need an escort. I can help ya… for a price.” Gomar’s face formed into a sinister grin as he said this, but he couldn’t tell if there was anything malicious to it.
“I’m-a use my own team, the Toad Brig-”
“A buncha toads? And how well do ya think they know Desert Land? You’ll die out there without my help.” Gomar seemed to have a knack for bartering.
“Ok, and what-a is the price?” Mario humored the big goomba.
“Only 200 gold coins! And trust me, you’ll need our help.”
“Alright, but-a I’m gonna bring my own team too.” Mario knew the Toad Brigade would have no problem taking care of some common criminals, so if the goombas tried anything they’d surely fail.
“Sure, just meet me back here after ya get your toads. I’m always here. But if ya wait more than a week, the price goes up.” Mario nodded towards Gomar and left to go back to the Mushroom Kingdom. He wasn’t sure if he really needed that shifty goomba, but Gomar seemed to dislike LTM just as much as Mario. Maybe that would be enough. He’d know soon enough.
Chapter 5
Looking around the disgusting house yielded nothing of interest. William couldn’t tell what exactly happened, but there were pieces of rotting goomba, dead toads with cleaning equipment and overall everything in the house was in disarray. Not a single drawer, chair, table or household object seemed to be even close to its proper place, and the house looked like it had been searched thoroughly, like it already had all its secrets exposed. There was nothing to find here, except- What was that? He saw Mario’s calendar on the ground and picked it up. There was nothing scheduled for today or tomorrow, but he did see something on the previous day: ‘Kart Training w/ Captain Toad’. Perhaps Mario is staying with his friend Captain Toad thought William. He still checked Luigi’s house after he left, since it was only a few houses down, but he saw that all the lights were off even though it was nearly 8pm at night. He figured no one was in there but still broke in to check it anyways. It was indeed empty. Figuring Captain Toad would know Mario’s location, he set off to go find him.
It was well past midnight when Mario got back to Luigi’s house. Driving all day had made him tired so he went to bed almost immediately, planning on talking to Captain Toad tomorrow. Trekking into Desert Land wouldn’t be pleasant, but Mario had a strong feeling that Morton Koopa knew something that could help him. And even if he didn’t, LTM were operating in the area but were also despised by the people who lived there. Someone would talk. Mario also wondered if his mixed team of toads and goombas could even work together, considering their turbulent history. He’d find out soon enough. When he dreamed, Mario usually saw toads and goombas, coins and starmen. These were his typical dreams, and there was a certain comfort and familiarity to them. Tonight was different though, because tonight his usual dreams turned to nightmares. Dead toads, dead goombas, torsos ripped in half, twisted and burned. Massive piles of coins and starmen crushed toads to death and all Mario could do was sit back and watch. And no matter what happened, he saw this shadowy figure in the background, a figure that looked like Bowser but with sinister edges and massive glowing, red eyes. As he looked at the towering, undefined silhouette, it looked back at him and he slowly started to make out its details. But then, suddenly, it drew it’s head back. A mouth opened, hundreds of razor sharp teeth gleamed in the dim light. He saw, small at first, a spark of flame in the beast’s mouth that grew bigger and bigger. When he realized it was a massive wall of fire headed straight for him, it was already too late. The fire filled his vision before it hit him, but right at that moment he awoke. Sitting in bed, drenched with sweat, it took him a moment to realize where he was. This wasn’t his bedroom, it was Luigi’s. The flame monster wasn’t real. The dead toads and goombas weren’t… no, that happened. Memories from the previous day flooded in. It was very early in the morning, but he couldn’t wait any longer. He would go to see Captain Toad now so he could find LTM and stop them as soon as possible. Locking up Luigi’s house and then hopping in his kart, Mario drove in the direction of Captain Toad’s house.
Arriving at Captain Toad’s house just as the sky began to lighten from the rising sun, Mario hoped he wouldn’t mind the early morning intrusion. Maybe once Captain understood how important the mission was, he would forgive Mario for being woken so early. Captain Toad’s house was really quite large, as it was also the site of the Toad Brigade training facility. Walking through a courtyard littered with various obstacles and structures constructed from wood, rope and tires, he finally reached the front door, hesitating while he thought about what he would say. It was in that moment, however, that he heard a voice behind him.
“Mr. Mario. I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of meeting yet.” Mario turned towards the voice, a lone wiggler with a baseball cap and a mean look on his face. “William. William Wiggler.” the wiggler continued.
“Who? What-a are you even doing here? We can-a talk later, I got important things to do.” Mario turned back around to knock on the door, but suddenly a knife came whizzing past his head, sticking deep into the door.
“What-a the fuck?” yelled Mario, turning to face the wiggler again.
“Good, I have your attention now. I just wanted you to be looking at me when I killed you, so you’d know who did it.” And with that, a flurry of knives came shooting out from the wiggler. Mario jumped to the side and barely missed them, hiding behind a small wooden barrier used by the toads for training. Peeking above the barrier triggered another wave of knives and one of them hit Mario’s hat, flinging it off. In that brief second though, he saw the wiggler was closing in on him. He jumped and then rolled to get behind a larger wooden structure, some kind of makeshift shack. This elicited even more knives, one of which cut deeply into arm as it flew past. Putting his hands together, he prepared a fireball but knew he wouldn’t have much time to aim it.
Suddenly, toads began pouring out of the house, ready to fight the warring wiggler. Many fell quickly to knives, but Mario used this chance to aim his fireball and hit the wiggler. He fell over, stunned but not really hurt. Mario started preparing another fireball, but felt someone tapping his shoulder, calling his name. It was Captain Toad.
“We need to go! You’re fireballs won’t kill it, the Toad Brigade can handle this!” Captain Toad had to yell over dozens of other toads, screaming at the top of their lungs. Mario looked around and saw that Captain was right, they did need to leave. Mario couldn’t defeat the wiggler with stomps or fireballs, and he didn’t have anything more powerful. The entire Toad Brigade was busy fighting the wiggler, though it was unclear if they could defeat him since he saw many fallen toads scattered about and the wiggler was still uninjured. This was no ordinary wiggler, he seemed to be highly trained and highly skilled, probably some kind of assassin but Mario couldn’t be sure yet that he was from the mysterious LTM group. He doubted he’d get the chance to ask. Following Captain Toad out a secret side entrance through the brick fence that surrounded the courtyard, they reached a hidden shack with a four seat kart inside. Captain honked two times and two Toad Brigade members came running through the side entrance, hopping into the kart along with Mario and Captain Toad. Mario was driving, and he didn’t take his eyes off the road for even a second as they sped off into the distance. He didn’t want to look back.
They headed straight for ‘The Dancing Goomba’, figuring any delay would just give the wiggler a chance to catch up. With only 3 members of the Toad Brigade including the Captain himself, there was no way they could have traveled to Desert Land without the goombas’ help. Mario had hoped to bring a dozen toads but now he only had 3, and they didn’t even have supplies for the trip. Reaching the club early in the afternoon, Mario went in and sat at the bar with the remaining Brigade. It wasn’t long before Gomar joined him, sitting on the adjacent stool.
“Must be some potent toads if ya only need three of ‘em” Gomar could almost sense their misfortune, and seemed to revel in it.
“We-a, ran into a hitch. It-a was an assassin wiggler.” Mario wondered if the goomba had ever heard of William Wiggler.
“Assassin wiggler? I’d think you was making that up if I hadn’t seen even stranger these past few months. So we still goin’?”
“Of-a course. We-a gonna need some supplies though.”
“Well, you’re in luck. I got whatever ya need… for a price.” and Gomar, ever the entrepreneur, started writing down all the items Mario requested.
Chapter 6
The next day, the oddly-mixed team set out in a convey. Mario drove in front, in the 4-seater kart and two trucks full of Gomar’s goons rode behind them. Mario and the toads were outnumbered by goombas 6 to 1, but unlike with William Wiggler, Mario was well prepared to fight them if needed. Gomar seemed to only be motivated by greed, claiming to be one of Bowser’s minions but in reality doing only whatever benefited him. Mario figured that as long as Gomar knew he would be paid, the goomba could be trusted. He just hoped that no one had offered Gomar more money than he had. That would undoubtedly shift his loyalty.
Upon reaching the border, there was a simple checkpoint and Gomar paid the guards with money Mario had given him previously. Once 50 gold coins had changed hands, they passed without issue. The land which had previously been grassy with only sparse trees soon gave way to sandier soil with sparse clumps of grass. Eventually there wasn’t a tree for miles, and the grass patches were so rare you could easily count them. It was also hotter, though riding in the moving, open-air kart made the desert heat somewhat tolerable.
After a few hours they reached Desert Town, about halfway between the border and Morton’s castle- their destination. So far the trip had gone smoothly, but truth be told there wasn’t really much to stop them in the empty desert. Now, in Desert Town, their progress was immediately blocked by a large group of well-armed, mean-looking goombas. About 40 halberds and spears were pointed at the lead kart, which had stopped less than a block into town. Gomar hopped out of the second truck, walked over to what Mario assumed was the leader of the desert goombas, and they began talking. He couldn’t overhear what they were saying, but he prepared himself to turn the kart around and break for Grass Land. There was no possible way to fight this many goombas if they all turned on him. He darted his head around, seeing the right side of the street had just enough room to turn around, then he could drive about halfway off the road to get around the trucks and go back the way he came. Mario suddenly realized he felt much safer being in the driver’s seat. None of this turned out to be necessary, because the conversation ended and the convoy was allowed through. Gomar insisted on stopping at the local watering hole, ‘Gulper’s Tavern’, despite Mario’s repeated protests. Desert Town didn’t feel safe, not for 3 toads and a human, and spending any amount of time there felt like a huge risk. Still, they drank at Gulper’s for several hours, until all 24 of the goombas had their fill of liquor. Mario worried about their effectiveness. In fact, he and the toads drank only the water they brought to avoid poisoning themselves, intentionally or not. Water seemed like the only cure for desert heat- even inside the dim bar Mario couldn’t help but sweat profusely.
Departing from Gulper’s late in the afternoon, they carried on through Desert Town, past squared, sandy buildings that all shared the style of the region. This gave away into desert again, though a few buildings could still be seen dotted around the outskirts of town. As they passed one of these buildings, a handful of goombas walked out and stopped their progress. They were armed in a similar way to the town guard, but wore different colors and most had bizarre helmets that Mario had never seen before. Gomar hopped out, seemingly to talk to them, but then Mario noticed the rest of the goombas started hopping out of the trucks too. Gomar yelled, “LTM! Get ready!” and so Mario got ready to hop out of the kart. That’s when he noticed goombas coming from other nearby buildings, dressed the same way. There had to be at least 50, maybe more. He jumped out of the kart, trying to stop Gomar but the big goomba was only a few feet away from the LTM goombas now. Gomar’s goombas swung swords and jabbed pikes and their opponents did the same.
“Ah, Fuck!” yelled Gomar. Mario saw he had been stabbed, along with many of his goons. Thinking on his feet, he hopped back in the kart, told the toads to hold on and took off. Passing by Gomar, he reached down and picked up the goomba with one arm, tossing him in the back between the Brigade toads.
“You-a gotta help him!” cried Mario, speeding away from the bloody battle behind them. The toads got to work trying to save Gomar, ironically having been trained for years to kill goombas. It was an odd sight to see, but they needed Gomar alive. Mario couldn’t just show up at Morton’s Castle with three members of the toad brigade, there would be immediate conflict.
Soon they were out in the open desert again with only the dry, hot wind opposing them on their journey. Gomar had been stabilized by the toads and was currently unconscious, or sleeping, Mario wasn’t really sure which. Morton’s Castle was a tiny dot on the horizon. Mario estimated they would reach it before sunset, if they were lucky. Fortunately, the kart had been packed full of supplies. Even if it didn’t hold as much as the trucks they had enough to survive in the desert for a couple days. Mario had anticipated a quick exit, and was glad he’d prepared for it. Riding towards the castle, he thought about what exactly he was going to ask Morton.
Morton’s castle was a massive sandstone structure, built on the highest section of a rocky outcropping that jutted out awkwardly from the sand, continuing off west for what seemed like miles. The fort itself was pentagonal with a tower on each corner, all being identical to each other except for one that was much taller and wider than the others- the keep. The road led to the south side of the castle, where there was a large valley in the rock that formed a natural moat, though there wasn’t a single drop of water anywhere. Despite the drawbridge being down, a huge, iron portcullis could be seen- they’d have to negotiate their way inside. A few hundred feet from the gate, they woke up Gomar, who was relieved to be alive and didn’t seem to care much about his fallen goons.
“Ya gonna have to let me do all the talking. This’ll take more than just gold though.” Gomar seemed confident, although Mario wondered if he’d ever actually been to Morton’s Castle.
“What-a do we have to do?” asked Mario.
“You’re gonna need… rubies. One might be enough, five would be better.”
“Where-a am I gonna get-a rubies?” Mario did have some rubies in his chest but hadn’t brought any with him. That’s when Captain Toad reached into his vest and produced five small, shiny red jewels.
“I’ve just been saving these, I guess I have a use for them now.” said Captain as he handed the rubies to Gomar. Stopping in front of the gigantic portcullis, Gomar hopped out of the kart and approached the two guards standing outside. Mario was close enough to hear their conversation:
“‘Ey there. This ain’t gonna make a lot of sense, but my good friend Mario here and those toads need to talk to Morton, and it’s very important. Mario has 5 rubies to offer Morton as a gift and I got gold for all the guards that don’t try to poke us.”
“Mario and toads? Allow them in the castle?!? Have you lost your mind brother?” the goomba guard seemed completely shocked by what he was hearing.
“Told ya it would sound crazy. But Mario only wants to know about LTM, he ain’t after us Bowser minions. Do I look smashed or crushed?” Gomar had confused the guards, who looked at each other and then back to Gomar with puzzled expressions.
“I suppose… we should ask Morton. But no funny business!” and with that, one of the guards disappeared into a very small, goomba-sized door next to the portcullis. Gomar looked back to Mario with a very satisfied smile. The goomba had a natural talent for manipulating his brethren, which was probably why he had so much success in the criminal underworld. He was definitely a useful ally while traveling the Koopa Kingdom.
It was maybe ten minutes later when they heard the grinding of chains and gears- the portcullis was opening. The other guard came back out, with a surprised look on his face.
“M-Morton actually actually wants to see you. Go to the keep.” said the guard, who watched in disbelief as toads entered the Koopa castle. The courtyard was barren, with roughly built shacks clinging to most of the interior walls. A few were also freestanding, though it was hard to determine the true purpose of any of them. Driving up to the entrance of the keep, they saw maybe a dozen goomba guards scattered around the large wooden doors that led inside.
“Morton requests your presence. You may speak to him, but should you try anything you will be killed. Enter!” and the guard that was speaking opened the right door. The strange ensemble hopped out of the kart and walked into the dimly lit keep, wondering what waited for them inside.
Morton’s Castle wasn’t particularly lavish, but the sheer scale of the construction made it extremely impressive. The ceiling was nearly 100 feet high in some places and about half that height in the halls. Walking through a central corridor, Mario saw dozens of side halls branching off to an uncountable number of chambers and side-rooms. Eventually they reached the massive Main Hall, with stairs on each side leading to the upper levels. They had been following one of the guards, who now split off right to go up one of the staircases. They stayed close to him, not wanting to get lost in the expansive castle. Morton’s throne room was on the second level, torch-lit like everywhere else, creating strange shadows that bounced off the walls and pillars lining the room. At the end, maybe 50 feet away, they saw Morton himself sitting in a large, padded throne. The group approached him cautiously, even Gomar.
“Mario! And a couple of toads! I’d ask you what you were doing here if my guards hadn’t told me already. But why did you come to me?” Morton, unlike Larry, was serious ruler with actual power. Mario had faced him before and it wasn’t an easy fight. He’d have to be careful about what he said, if he wanted Morton’s help.
“You-a do not seem to be a big fan of LTM. I’m-a trying to stop them, but there’s still things I need-a to know.” Mario hoped Morton would understand they were fighting the same enemy.
“Yes, that’s true. And you may have a chance of stopping them- just maybe. But why are you here? Why are you asking me questions, isn’t there a toad somewhere that knows something useful?”
“We-a were attacked by LTM on the way here, a big organized group. We-a barely escaped alive. They are here in-a force, so I figured you might-a know something we didn’t.”
“Even if I did, I think I’d have more fun not telling you.” Morton clearly had no respect for Mario or the toads.
Gomar suddenly pulled out the five rubies, and hobbled up to Morton.
“You should answer his questions. He brought ya a gift.” said Gomar, and Morton’s expression changed to one of mild excitement.
“Rubies?!? Well you should of lead with that. I’ll answer, hmm, three questions.” said Morton as he scooped up the rubies. Mario thought about what he should ask, wondering if Morton even knew the answer to some of the questions he had. He began with an obvious one.
“Who-a is LTM? What-a does that mean?”
“Ouch, that’s not worth 5 rubies but I’ll answer it anyways. LTM means Lakithunder’s Minions. Lakithunder broke off from the rest of Bowser’s minions long ago but didn’t start recruiting minions himself until recently. Next question?”
“Where-a are they located? Where-a can I find Lakithunder?”
“That’s two questions, but whatever. Giving you their location is pointless, LTM operate everywhere. And the most I can tell you about Lakithunder is that he used to train his minions in Water Land before Wendy kicked him out. Now, I don’t know where he is, but I do know that my brother Iggy has been trying to track him for a while. If you go to Giant Land, he may help you out… assuming you have more rubies. Next question!”
“What-a is LTM’s plan? What-a are they-” but before Mario could finish, he was interrupted.
“Hello there!” The voice was William Wiggler, standing at the entrance of the throne room. Two dead goombas lay next to him, knives sticking out of their heads.
“William Wiggler!” said Mario, “You are a bold one.”
“I had to kill so many goombas to get here, it was honestly very inconvenient. Please don’t run away this time.” and he followed this with a flurry of knives. Mario and the toads jumped away, Gomar was nowhere to be seen. Morton began screaming at the top of his voice.
“GUARDS! GUARDS! WE HAVE AN INTRUDER!” shrieked Morton, as he got up to engage the wiggler. Mario used this chance to grab the toads and run for a side door.
“Oh, not again!” yelled William but as he ran to catch up with Mario, a wand smashed into the side of his head, flinging him 10 feet into a wall.
“This is my castle! I’ll crush you! Crush you like the bug you are!” Morton was furious and goombas began pouring into the throne room. Running down the side passage, Mario looked back and saw Gomar jogging behind them, maybe 50 feet away. The goomba had seen their escape and followed them.
It took them awhile to find their way through the complex series of halls, but eventually they were back out in the open desert air. They rushed over to the kart, still hearing the sounds of fighting and an angry, screaming Morton inside the keep. There were no guards to stop them, since all of the goombas outside had recently died from fatal knife wounds. Mario drove in the direction of Giant Land, hoping Iggy Koopa could give him Lakithunder’s location.
Act Two
Chapter 7
Walking into his home after a long trip, Luigi immediately found that things were not where he’d left them. Someone had been here, maybe Mario- but why? There was certainly no trace of the red-hatted plumber, not even in his home which was a wreck and full of dead toads. Mario had recently asked for his brother’s help in a letter but now he was gone, and Luigi imagined the worst. Just going off of news he’d heard from his neighbors, he’d found out that there was some horrible new minion creeping around and toads were being slaughtered left and right. It explained the state of Mario’s home, but didn’t really give Luigi much more than that. He couldn’t guess where Mario could be or whether he was even still alive, though Luigi knew Mario was able to handle himself in a fight. But whatever fight it was, he’d need his brother.
No one seemed to know much about anything but the toads were definitely in a state of panic. Bowser’s minions had never reached so far into the Mushroom Kingdom, neighborhoods that used to be safe were now plunged into a paralyzing fear. Luigi visited all his toad friends, trying to figure out whatever he could about Mario’s whereabouts and piece together the violent recent events. However, it wasn’t until he arrived at Toadsworth’s house that he found what he was looking for.
“So you’re looking for Mario?” asked Toadsworth, sitting in his warmly lit living room across from Luigi. The fire crackled next to them and made both of their faces dance with a soft light. “Yes, I have it on good authority that’s he’s gone east to Grass Land, and then north from there. At least that’s what my scouts said in their ToadsGuard report.” ToadsGuard, if you didn’t know, is a common brand of high-strength, no-streak stick deodorant, one of the most popular in the Mushroom Kingdom. It was named after the ToadsGuard, an elite group of toads commanded by Toadsworth and tasked with protecting the kingdom from both internal and external threats. The ToadsGuard worked closely with the Toad Army although the two were separate forces, with the Army being commanded by Peach.
“Koopa Kingdom? Why would he go there? That’s dangerous territory.” said Luigi, sipping on mushroom tea that Toadsworth had offered him previously.
“Yes, yes. He’s trying to stop this group, LTM I think, and he believes the answer lies somewhere in the Koopa Kingdom. Based on some interesting reports I received from Morton’s castle, it might be worth checking there.” and Toadsworth ended with a fit of elderly coughing.
“So he was in Desert Land? I doubt he’s still there, but either way it seems like Morton would know something.” Luigi wondered if following his brother’s footsteps right into Morton’s castle was a good idea.
“Well, I suppose there’s only one way to check. But you’ll never catch Mario in a normal kart.”
“What do you suggest then?” asked Luigi. Planes existed, but they were small, slow and never flew between the kingdoms. That would be a guarenteed suicide.
“I have an old friend who owes me a favor. Maybe it’s time to take advantage of it.” and Toadsworth then waddled over to his phone. Luigi couldn’t tell who he was calling.
“Cliff Koopa, the Freerunning Paratroopa, at your service! I’ve got the fastest wings in the Kingdom and I can get anything to any place in less than 24 hours. Most people call me Cliff, some know me as The Kid but no one has ever been able to catch up to me! No one!” Cliff spoke so quickly it was almost hard to understand, and his demeanor reminded Luigi of a child who’d just tried coffee for the first time.
“It’s-a me, Luigi, and I need-a you to take me to Morton’s castle. But-”
“Morton’s Castle?” Cliff interrupted him, and suddenly Luigi couldn’t compete with the massive flow of words coming out of his mouth. “So I haven’t flown to Desert Land in a while, but it wouldn’t be too too difficult. Basically we just need to plan our rest stops, be careful when we stop in the Koopa Kingdom, bring a gift for Morton, then we-
“But-a, what is-” Luigi tried to speak again, unsuccessful.
“..and hats. I think the only way to travel the desert is with a good hat. I guess you already have a hat but I still need one and I could always get you a better one. I actually know a good hat shop that’s only a few-”
“Cliff,” said Toadsworth, but Cliff ignored them.
“…Now you might think Paratroopas don’t need a compass, but we actually have no natural sense of direction. It’s a real mess and the compass business is huge in the Koopa Kingdom. Obviously we can get one here but-”
“CLIFF!” shouted Toadsworth, surprising everyone with the volume he could still produce at his old age. The sound echoed off the walls of Toadsworth’s living room and caused Cliff to finally stop talking. Toadsworth continued, “I think Mr. Luigi has something to say.”
“Oh yes,” said Luigi, finally able to speak. “I was just-a wanting to know what a Paratroopa is doing here. In-a the Mushroom Kingdom.”
“Right,” began Cliff. “Well I’m not a big fan of fighting, I’ll just say that right now. Not good at, not interested in it. But to be one of Bowser’s minions, especially in the Koopa Troop, you gotta do a whole lot of fighting. So I left — just flew away — and never went back. The first toad that saw me brought me to Toadsworth, where he decided I wasn’t a threat and could maybe even be useful to him. Now I fly important stuff around and I never have to fight anyone, ever. It’s great!”
“Ok,” said Luigi, trying to stop Cliff before the koopa started up again. “So you-a going to take me to Morton’s Castle, but what-a do we do about Morton when we get there? He isn’t gonna be happy to see us.”
“Well as Cliff said before,” Toadsworth reached into his pocket as he spoke “Morton will only respond if you bring a gift. Rubies.” And with that he pulled out a plump, leather sack that was tied tightly at the neck and barely fit into Luigi’s hand as it was passed to him. “That’s 45 rubies, enough to get every Koopaling talking and maybe Bowser himself,” Toadsworth chuckled at his own joke. “Don’t waste it, it was difficult to accumulate that many.”
“Don’t-a worry, I probably won’t even need-a most of them.” responded Luigi. It was a lot of rubies to be carrying in the Koopa Kingdom, but Luigi could hold his own. Besides, he thought, I can just fly away from trouble.
“And one more thing,” Toadsworth began, “I know you didn’t know, but green toad was my son. He was killed 3 days ago by one of those LTM monstrosities.”
“Oh, no!” said Luigi, shocked by the news.
“It still hurts, but I need to figure out who or what killed him and keep it from happening to any other toad. Please, if you have the chance Luigi, stop this creature.”
“Okie-dokie. I will help you Toadsworth,” said Luigi to his old friend.
Driving to Giant Land meant going through Water Land. There was no way around it, not unless you flew but even then you’d simply be flying over the water. Karts were fortunately able to drive underwater, and even more bizarrely were able to provide their occupants with breathable oxygen through a mysterious force that can not and will not be explained here. This meant that their journey took them across the seabed of Water Land, an often dangerous road that was rarely used by even Bowser’s minions. Cheep cheeps and bloopers were bad enough, but many suspected there were even worse things waiting in the sea, the kind of things no one ever reports because they’re no longer alive to report it. Mario was worried about what waited for them beneath the waves.
“Well, I’d say we could just use paratroopas but they ain’t gonna carry no toads. I ‘spose we’ll be taking the long road.” Gomar had warmed up to his odd travel buddies, now appreciating their company almost as much as their coin. The toads were fond of travelling games- that is, games which could be played on a road trip. Roadside bingo was especially popular once Gomar taught the toads how to bet.Gomar had been ahead for a while until losing most of his coin in a risky play to Captain Toad. Captain didn’t hold on to his winnings for long though. Gomar was an aggressive better and had won it back in only a few games. Mario insisted that they only bet small amounts so no one lost too much, though a couple small arguments did flare up.
Driving across the seabed was a serene affair, with only the occasional interruption from a cheep cheep or blooper. These were easily scared off or defeated, allowing the very capable group to continue on their trip. When they weren’t gambling, they discussed the plan they’d been slowly forming. Water Town was hostile to anyone from the Mushroom Kingdom and they definitely hated toads, usually trying to kill them on sight. In order to get food and supplies, they would have to drive around Water Town, park on the outskirts and send in Mario (in disguise) and Gomar to get what they needed. The plan seemed simple enough, but there were many debates over whether Mario should stay with the toads or go into town with Gomar. The toads and Gomar wanted him to stay with the kart, but Mario insisted on going into town, mostly because he didn’t trust Gomar to take the money and actually return. He ended up going into town, wearing a scarf wrapped around his head and blanket worn as a sort of robe over his overalls.
Water Town wasn’t like other towns in the Koopa Kingdom. It was built on the seabed under a massive see-through dome, nearly 5 miles in diameter and about 2 miles high. The dome was actually so big that the top of it broke through the ocean to create a sort of artificial island, an island which was almost a town in its own right. A long, thin elevator connected top to bottom, allowing the transportation of goods and koopas between them. Luckily, they wouldn’t have to brave that multi-hour ascent on a rickety elevator just to get basic supplies- those could be found almost anywhere. The buildings in Water Town were generally several stories high and very basic in their design, with various shades of coral coloring most surfaces. The only thing accenting these basic dwellings were blood-red Koopa Troop banners and various propaganda posters put out by Bowser and his minions. The streets were lit with gas lamps that gave everything in Water Town a hazy, warm glow in the near-twilight of the ocean floor.
Walking down these streets, Mario prepared himself to face anything. Gomar, on the other hand, seemed unconcerned. Why would he be? A goomba belonged in Water Town, Mario didn’t. He felt the piercing stares of koopas and goombas as he passed them, seemingly trying to look through his disguise and figure out what he was. Fortunately, most of Bowser’s minions were not very intelligent and ignored things they didn’t understand. It was really a matter of survival, and in this instance that was quite literally true. Mario knew that if he was found out, he could take out many goombas before they got to him. He hoped it wouldn’t come to that though.
Suddenly a very official looking goomba with a large badge and cap approached Gomar.
“Oi! Gomar Goomba!” said the capped goomba, starting both the travelers. “The Magistrate himself requests your presence, and he says you can bring the plumber but no toads.”
“The fuck makes you think I’m traveling with toads?” Gomar got heated, but Mario could tell it was just an act.
“I’m just a messenger, I don’t think anything sir. You’ll have to go see him on The Island, this is very important.” And with that the capped goomba ran away, likely intimidated by Gomar’s outburst. Mario and Gomar looked at each other, and then over to the 2 mile high elevator they would have to climb.
“Do-a we have to go up there?” asked Mario. He didn’t trust koopa engineering.
“If The Magistrate requested me, then this must be important. Usually when someone asks for Gomar they’re a criminal, not a damn town magistrate.”
“Then we-a go. Maybe he can help us with LTM.” Mario had never heard of The Magistrate but he seemed like an important figure in the town.
“I kinda get the feeling we’ll be helping him,” said Gomar. And then the pair headed in the direction of the elevator.
Chapter 8
Wind rushed passed Luigi’s ears as the earth rolled lazily underneath him. From his vantage, buildings were just tiny shapes beneath him and even large truck karts were mere specks. He could trace roads and rivers for miles, see the beginning and end of forests, farmland and other features. It was a view as enchanting as it was terrifying, and though he’d viewed all this from a plane before, it was nothing like this. He sat suspended in a hanging chair beneath Cliff as the freerunning paratroopa flew through the sky with relative ease. They were flying high to avoid being spotted, but the height made Luigi very anxious. Even after 2 hours he still hadn’t gotten used to the sensation of travelling thousands of feet in the sky, with nothing between you and the ground far below. He didn’t think anyone could get used to it, although Cliff seemed to prove him wrong. The paratroopa strolled through the air with more grace and agility than when he was on the ground, which was saying a lot because Cliff was also a champion freerunner. He never seemed concerned, even at 15,000 feet in the air there was not an ounce of fear in him. Luigi wished he could act more like Cliff, but instead found himself vomiting off to the side, probably onto some unsuspecting toad miles below. Eventually he had nothing left to throw up and was able to continue the journey more peacefully. Cliff laughed the whole time, telling Luigi he wasn’t the first passenger to respond this way. That made the green plumber feel a bit better, but not his stomach.
Green grass gave way to sandy, desert plains with the occasional shrub or cactus dotting the landscape. This high up, the air was cold so Luigi didn’t notice a difference in temperature. He did, however, feel a dryness to the wind that wasn’t there before. The fierce gusts at this altitude made conversation difficult, so the journey was mostly silent for the next hour as they approached Morton’s castle. Luigi was scared of falling, but he also worried that whatever waited for him on the ground might kill him just the same. Morton could be reasoned with — sometimes — but he had a temper on him. If Luigi or Cliff set him off, there’s no telling what he would do. Hopefully the rubies would calm his mood.
The castle’s moat was up, so they decided to set down in the courtyard rather than wait for permission to enter. This was a mistake. Dozens of goombas and koopas immediately surrounded them with spears and halberds. Cliff took off, but Luigi had already left the chair. The paratroopa grabbed his arm and began lifting the plumber, but about 20 feet in the air his hold slipped and Luigi fell to the ground in a spin. Cliff hovered, looking at the crumpled Luigi and then at the goombas before saying “Sorry! I’ll be back Luigi!” Luigi, bruised and lying in a heap on the ground, tried to look up at Cliff but the koopa was just a tiny red point in the sky by the time he got up. Goombas and koopas surrounded him, with many more pouring out of the castle keep. There was no way out of this.
Luigi never saw Morton. The goombas took his rubies and everything else but his clothes, and then locked him in a dark cell in a dungeon beneath the keep. He’d tried to plead with the guards to let him see Morton, but apparently there had been a recent incident while Mario was talking to the koopaling. So there was no way Luigi would be able to talk to Morton, although he was happy to at least be on the right track. The cell was dark like the rest of the dungeon, with walls and floors made of bare sandstone and small traces of sunlight coming through slits near the top of the back wall. Light also came through the open bars from the torchlight hallway, making for a dire setting. As Luigi sat on the cold floor, he heard a voice in the darkness-
“Luigi? Mario’s brother?” It came from somewhere in the shadows, but Luigi had still not fully adjusted his eyes to the darkness.
“Who-a is asking?” Luigi questioned the shadows. Suddenly a figure came forth, a long shape. A wiggler?
“William Wiggler, at your service. I got captured while helping your brother escape.” The wiggler smiled slightly in the dim light.
“What-a happened? Where did he go?” Luigi felt lucky to be getting any kind of information while imprisoned.
“Well,” said Willaim, “I’ve been traveling with your brother, Captain Toad and a goomba called Gomar and we were told that Morton might know something about this group that’s been attacking the Mushroom and Koopa Kingdom- a mysterious group called LTM. The only thing Morton said was that Iggy Koopa might know something in Giant Land. Then Gomar, that little bastard, said something about how stupid Iggy is, something like ‘He’s the stupidest of the Koopalings, present company excluded’. Obviously that set off Morton, and in the ensuing fight Mario and the rest of them barely escaped while I held off Morton. I nearly gave my life for Mario, I don’t regret that. But I wish I could get back to him in case he needs my help again.”
“Wow-a,” remarked Luigi, “but how are we-a gonna get out of here?”
“Don’t worry,” said William, “I have a plan. And it’ll be easy now that I have some help.” Then the wiggler began explaining the plan in detail to his fellow prisoner.
It was simple enough. Luigi would call for help, pretending to be assaulted by William who was actually waiting in the shadows with a large piece of sandstone that had chipped from the wall. When a goomba guard came up to the cell, William would throw the rock at him (he was really quite good at throwing) and then Luigi would retrieve the keys with a stick. And that’s exactly what they did, except the guard that came to their cell had no keys. His unconscious body lay motionless in front of the bars while Luigi continued to poke at it, looking for anything.
“Just forget about it, it’s the wrong guard,” William said without even a hint of disappointment. “Which means it’s time for plan B”
“What-a is plan B?” Luigi was pretty sure they’d never discussed a second plan.
“Hide in the shadows with me and don’t make a sound. You’ll see.”
And that’s what they did. Minutes went by, maybe an hour, but eventually the goomba laying in front of the cell woke up. He looked around, then to where his prisoners should have been. Seeing none, he ran back down the hall with a surprising amount of speed for a goomba.
“And what-a did that accomplish?” asked Luigi, still unsure about this new plan.
“He’s gonna bring the goomba with the keys, probably, and they’ll check in here for us. We just rush him when they open the door,” answered William.
“And-a if they bring more guards with them?”
“Well then, Mr. Luigi, we’re gonna have to kill some goombas.” William sounded like he was looking forward to it. Luigi responded:
“Lets-a go!”
The dozen or so goombas that showed up were immediately assaulted when the door opened. A flurry of rocks crashed into them, then a green figure hopped into the mob feet first. Six or so managed to get back onto their feet after this, but were met with a spinning, angry wiggler. All 8 of his feet spun around him like some kind of sadistic windmill, catching goombas beneath the chin and flinging them into the ceiling at impossible speeds. A few more goombas stood on their feet, but the battered and confused creatures stood no chance against their assailants. Fists and feet smashed them into submission before they could even react to the incredible pace of the attacks. It was all over in less than a minute, with Luigi and William standing triumphantly over the carnage now decorating the sandstone dungeon.
“Morton won’t stand a chance against us,” William said as he marched off down the hallway. He’d barely even broken a sweat during the fight.
“Morton?! Why don’t-a we just try to escape?” asked Luigi, not wanting to pick a fight with a Koopaling for no reason.
“Well he locked me up, which I don’t like. And I do need to get my knives back.” There was no arguing with the wiggler. Luigi followed behind, wondering if they could actually beat Morton Koopa Jr.
There was opposition on the way to the throne room, but it was gone after Luigi and William came through. Even without his signature knives, William could throw koopa shells and rocks that always hit their target. Often a shell would ricochet once or twice before it struck, mostly just to show off the wiggler’s skills.
Walking into the throne room, the two intruders saw Morton go wide-eyed then scream as goombas started to flood the room. The Koopaling’s shrieking was immediately interrupted by a salvo of green shells, crashing into his face one after another and shattering into hundreds of pieces. Then came Luigi, also flung by William, just as Morton had recovered from the previous storm of shells. He wasn’t expecting this, so Luigi landed a solid punch into the side of his head as he flew by. Morton’s face turned red as he became enraged at the escaped prisoners, turning to face Luigi who was behind him. William started hopping on goombas towards Morton, trying to capitalize on this mistake. That’s when the wiggler saw his bandolier full of knives next to the throne.
Luigi, now facing Morton, tried to remember how he’d fought the big koopa last time. He threw out fireballs only for his opponent to dodge them with ease. He then tried stomping on Morton’s head, but kept getting knocked away. Finally he tried punching the Koopaling but found himself on the receiving end of several serious punches as well.
“Morton!” yelled William Wiggler, his voice drowning out even Morton’s screeching and wailing. Turning his head, the koopa quickly found a knife entering his right eye, sinking in deep. Howling in pain, he was only able to look for its source for maybe a second before another knife plunged into his other eye. Morton screamed louder than ever before, fell backwards and then started twitching on the ground. Luigi couldn’t tell if he was dead, but goombas began scattering into any exit they could find, believing their ruler to have perished. Luigi and William walked out of the keep and into the courtyard, finding one of Morton’s karts stashed in a building. No guards tried to stop them, in fact there was barely a goomba or koopa in sight anymore. Except one.
“You made it out!” said Cliff, hovering above them. A knife flew up to greet him but the paratroopa was too nimble.
“Don’t-a hurt him! He’s a friend!” screamed Luigi, realizing that Cliff just looked like a normal paratroopa to most people.
“Yikes, where’d you find this guy? I’ve known a couple wigglers in my time, but most of them didn’t throw knives. Actually, I don’t think a single one of them threw knives. You’re certainly one of the weirdest wigglers I’ve met, and I’ve met a lot of them so-”
“Silence, koopa.” And William got what he asked for.
“Cliff, this is William Wiggler,” said Luigi, pointing towards William. “And William, this is Cliff Koopa.”
“The freerunning paratroopa!” added Cliff, though William was not amused.
“Whatever. We need to make our way to Giant Land,” said William, still focused on getting back to Mario.
“Giant Land?” began Cliff, “Well then we’ll have to go through Water Land, and I definitely can’t carry both of you so that means we’ll be taking the seabed road. Dangerous road, never taken it personally but I suppose we stand a pretty good chance with Luigi and a ninja wiggler-”
“Excuse me?” William interrupted, “What makes you think I’m a ninja? Did you confuse my hat for some sort of black mask?” The wiggler seemed genuinely offended.
“Sorry sir, I just, with the knives, I thought-” Cliff was strangely at a loss for words.
“I’m just a wiggler who’s good at throwing things. You best not forget that.” Then William got in the back of the kart.
“Sorry, wiggler sir,” Cliff responded, before getting into the passenger’s seat. Luigi took that as his cue to get in the kart as well. The trio drove off in the direction of Water Land, with the late afternoon sun sinking towards the horizon towards their left.
Chapter 9
Climbing higher and higher in the elevator, Mario thought Water Town looked quite different from above. The maze of streets and buildings revealed itself to be just that — a maze — and like any labyrinth, navigation seemed much easier from above. Mario traced the path they took, from the main roads leading to the city center to smaller side streets and alleyways snaking through the outskirts and then finally back to the kart, which was a small speck from this unnerving distance. The elevator itself was an old, derelict contraption that put every rider that ever took it at risk of great bodily harm. Actually, the elevator had collapsed more than a few times, only to be rebuilt again in more or less the same way. Safety standards were non-existent in the Koopa Kingdom, so a collapsing elevator wasn’t really much cause for alarm. Well, it was for Mario.
Mario held the elevator railing with the tightest grip he could manage, staying himself against the shaking and stuttering of a lift ready to throw him overboard. Gomar and the two koopas riding with him were entirely unconcerned about the lurching machine, standing impossibly still as the floor beneath them bobbed around without rhythm. Mario guessed they had ridden it many times before. The trip felt like it lasted forever, maybe an hour, although Mario couldn’t be sure without a watch. As they approached the top, the view was breath-taking but also filled Mario with a deep sense of dread. All of Water Town lay beneath them with goombas and koopas moving about, barely even visible dots at this height. The light of the town gave off a sort of collective glow, a large orange presence in the dark ocean that made it look like some kind of luminescent pearl, a lonely gem sitting peacefully in the depths of the sea. Beyond the dome, hints of coral, giant marine plants and the shadowy outlines of distant sea creatures brought an overall strangeness to the scene. Then, finally, they approached the surface.
“The Island” was mostly just a collection of steel buildings and platforms, sitting on stilts out in the sea like some kind of giant oil rig. It looked sturdier than the elevator but not much so. Most of the steel was rusted or corroding, and even newer constructions were haphazardly built, with no concern for straight lines or natural shapes. Mario wondered how many times The Island had to have been rebuilt. He guessed it was at least a few times, but asked Gomar to be sure.
“Hahaha, she ain’t been rebuilt. Yet!” chuckled Gomar, who clearly had no love for anything made by Koopas. The massive platform beneath their feet swayed gently as waves crashed into metal supports extending far below- it certainly seemed destined to collapse, but probably not today. Hopefully not today. The koopas led them down a narrow road, a straight path that lead them between multi-story structures that left the group mostly in the shadows. Up ahead was a building far taller than any other, an odd looking place with the overall appearance of a giant, lumpy mushroom. This was The Magistrate’s tower.
The crude steel of the outside contrasted sharply with the lavish, decorated interior which looked like it had been designed for royalty. Red satin banners draped the walls behind gold candlesticks and expensive knick knacks sitting on polished mahogany tables and cupboards. Scattered about were statues made of marble, gold and inlaid with precious gems. Rugs with fantastic patterns led from the entrance to a grand staircase at the far side of the main hall. From there, Mario could see that it branched to the left and right, forming a balcony around the edge of the hall where the second floor rooms could be accessed. It didn’t stop there; looking up, Mario saw maybe 10 more balconies above it. The ceiling of the main hall was at least 100 feet above the ground, yet it didn’t even extend into the mushroom cap of the building. Mario couldn’t esimate how many rooms were in the The Magistrate’s tower, he just knew that it had to be a mind-boggling amount.
They were led up the staircase, then up more stairs. Only minutes into their ascent, it became very clear that The Magistrate was on the top floor and they’d have to climb the whole way. Ironically, The Magistrate’s tower didn’t have an elevator, but Mario was actually thankful for that as he wouldn’t have trusted it anyways. The upper floors were nice enough, although there were very few statues or gilded trinkets this high up. Mario guessed that most of The Magistrate’s wealth had been moved to the main hall to impress visitors. Finally, reaching the top floor, they approached a set of gigantic double doors, gilded and accented with gems. The Magistrate’s room. As the doors opened, Mario was stunned by who he saw.
Birdo sat behind a large wooden desk, in a huge leather chair, with a couple bureaucratic goombas and koopas surrounding her. This room was even more ornate than the main hall, full of priceless artifacts and fantastic treasures. Bookcases lined each side of the room and a huge crescent window in the back wall allowed a generous amount of evening light into the room. Birdo looked up at her guests without showing much emotion.
“Gomar,” greeted Birdo, “You have quite the reputation. It’s good to finally meet you.”
“And it’ll be a pleasure meeting you, assuming ya plan on paying.” Gomar’s mind was always focused on money.
“Yes, of course,” Birdo responded. “I have a job for you, and now that I know you have the red plumber in tow, it should be easy.”
“Hold-a on,” interjected Mario, “We didn’t-a come here to take jobs, we’re on a mission to stop LTM.”
“Well then,” responded Birdo, “You’ll definitely want to do this. What do you know about Thunder Clouds?”
“They-a zap people,” Mario replied, “I use-a them during kart races.”
“Obviously.” continued Birdo. “But what if there was a Thunder Cloud so powerful, so strong, that it could kill every living creature for miles, literally zapping it from existence? A doomsday weapon, of sorts.”
“I would-a say that’s impossible,” said Mario, more out of hopefulness than any true knowledge on the matter.
“I gotta agree,” added Gomar “If it’s that strong, someone woulda used it by now. We’d know.”
“They would have,” said Birdo, “But you need 5 Lightining Shards to make a Super Thunder Cloud. No one has put 5 Shards together for hundreds of years, there are very, very few of them and they’re scattered all around the world. LTM only had 3, well, at least until they stole mine.”
“Mamma mia!” cried Mario. “Then they only need-a one more shard to make this weapon.”
“Exactly,” said Birdo grimmly. “That’s why it’s so important that you get it back for me. Not only is it valuable, but Lakithunder could use it to destroy both kingdoms.”
“…with the snap of his fingers.” Gomar continued, but Mario and Birdo both looked at him with an evil glare and said in unison:
“SHUT UP!”
“What-a are we looking for though?” asked Mario.
“The Thunder Shards,” began Birdo, “are small, yellow 3-inch triangles that don’t look very impressive or really do much at all. It’s only when you combine five of them that their true power is revealed.”
Suddenly, Mario realized he had seen one before. It was in his house. He had found it during his travels and hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but still decided to keep it as a memento. That was years ago, and the trinket had been sitting in a drawer ever since. That must be what was stolen, and why that goomba came in his house. It all made sense now. LTM wasn’t just causing random chaos in the Mushroom Kingdom, they had been looking for Mario’s Shard and possibly others hidden nearby.
“I had-a one of those,” said Mario, “But LTM stole it days ago. I wish-a I had known what it was.”
“Honestly,” Birdo replied, “It’s probably better that people don’t know what they do, but I suppose that cat mario is already out of the bag. All you can do now is get it back. So you want the job?”
“Yes!” yelled Gomar, still trying to assert himself as leader.
“Very good, return here when you have it, you’ll be rewarded handsomely,” responded Birdo. The two guests were then led back outside.
To find the Lightning Shard, they would first need to find where LTM was hiding it. The plan was to still go to Giant Land (since Iggy Koopa was their best lead), but the mission now had a renewed sense of urgency. There was no telling when LTM would find their 5th shard but they couldn’t let that happen, no matter what. The toads were shocked to find out about the Shards and the unthinkably deadly Thunder Cloud that Lakithunder was now trying to make. After quickly loading all the supplies they had gathered in town, the group set off quickly towards Giant Land.
(Chapter 10 coming soon!)