My Mother’s MISGIVINGS: Having Me
My mother once told me she had me while in College. I didn’t think about what that meant. I simply didn’t care.
Fast Forward>>>
I was 19 and my mother told me: “I should have aborted you and given your little brother away.” I cried for an hour while painting the living room wall. Relax, I didn’t paint it a ridiculous color out of spite. We were having an issue.
See, we didn’t want to paint those walls and she thought this would be a good time to bring that up. She kind of seemed to regret having said that after, especially seeing as there was other family present. She changed her saying to “could have aborted you and given your brother away.” Problem solved.
My little brother and I felt so much better.
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My mother was a workaholic. Since we were very little we were raised by other people. My mother would occasionally visit us and people would point her out for us, “See, that’s your mom.” Eventually, we moved in with her. Her patience ran very thin at that time. She used to work nights and days in a row and come home very tired. We had a childminder who lived with us.
Now that we lived with her, we still didn’t see her much. We didn’t complain. It wasn’t as if she farted rainbows when she was around. She was a fire-breathing dragon.
Her one best quality was taking the word ‘can’t’ out of the dictionary. The word didn’t exist for her and she demonstrated it every day. It didn’t make her any nicer though. But we get the parents we get.
In the end, one of the things that she repeated the most often about my birth was that I was the only one she wanted. My mother had a lot of skills, but social tact was obviously not one of them so I’m sure she didn’t say this to any of my other siblings. She meant that she had only ever wanted 1 kid. She’d never wanted more. Her first husband wanted more. Her second husband obviously would want to have kids as well. She ended up with a large family.
I didn’t go running around to my siblings after saying, “Hey, guess what!” but it gave me mixed feelings. It hadn’t occurred to me I was an accident until already in my adulthood, but you know what? I don’t really care.
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