Why I Won’t Live A Miserable Life Anymore
My way of building good habits and relationships has been wrong. My way of learning sucked the soul out of me. Now I’m paying the price.
I’m a poor college student and have no idea what to get really good at. I’m scared shitless to graduate because then I’ll have to decide.
Decide what to “make of my life”. Which is something I’ve never been able to decide. Out of fear of making the wrong decision.
It seems some people do it so effortlessly. They become obsessive over something at a young age and stick to it. I truly admire those people. My life felt different.
My life ran on fear. It was filled with “Nots”
Not sleeping because of anxiety about the future.
Not dating due to my mountain of insecurities.
Not writing since I don’t have anything worthy to say.
“If I don’t get disciplined soon and start producing, my life will pass me by in a flash.” I’ll fail myself, my family, and die alone. I must start now and make progress as fast as I can.
The problem was, to start writing, I thought you had to read all the right books and have a flashy vocabulary. But I’ve never been a serious reader throughout my life. I mostly watched films and played video games.
But the other week something inside my mind ‘clicked’. I’ve been too serious. Thinking about everything in my life as black and white. Life or death. Now or never.
I started reading a lot but wrote nothing.
I listened to the people who said that writing is the most difficult thing you can do. It takes blood sweat and tears.
Write 3000 words a day, struggle, fight, suffer. Keep pushing, no matter the cost or how much pain you feel. Do it for the love of the craft. If you keep at it you will see success.
So I did. But soon, I realized that this approach to life sucks, it is doing more harm than good.
I don’t believe in it anymore. It’s too serious.
I tried taking things in life seriously, it killed the fun. And when the fun is dead, quitting is around the corner.
But what about the rewards that come from struggle? You cannot only do fun things and expect any rewards.
Yes, we need some struggle.
But not to get rewards. Focusing on results is a path to misery.
Goals Set You Up For A Miserable Life
Once we achieve our goals, we still have the same problems. People who “make it” at a young age experience this. Great results from hard work or god given talent. But as soon as they achieve their goals, life becomes empty.
Success can be more dangerous than failure. Because in success we realize that our work is not the answer. Happiness is not an achievement. It is something you need to find in yourself, and in your work no matter if it succeeds or not.
And work is important, doing nothing is not the answer.
Work can bring happiness if it comes from a place of love. Not a place of wanting success, through suffering.
Make creating fun.
It has to be fun otherwise it will not become a part of you that you love. The work becomes a source of hate. Which never brings anything worthwhile.
I wanted to write well from the start. I was stuck at the first newsletter, which sucked. It was only a struggle. I had no fun with it. Thus I didn’t bring myself to do it again (until now).
The moment it clicked for me
I realized I did the same thing with exercise. I made ambitious goals and suffered. Ran 3 kilometers and hated every moment of it, but pushed through.
When I could run for 3 km without problems. I started to run faster. Combine with weight training. Up everything so that once again exercise was just about the struggle.
A “No pain, no gain” mentality.
A garbage mentality that does not work. I realized that pain is a waste of time that we’ve been told to accept as reality. But that reality is a lie.
There must be a better life to live.
So I took the advice that James Clear gives (author of Atomic Habits) about making new habits easy. If you don’t exercise, start by just putting on your running shoes 3 times a week at a specific time.
The habit of just putting on your running shoes leads to a mindset shift. After a couple of weeks, you say. “Hey, I already got my shoes on, why not go for a run.”
So that’s what I did. After almost a year without regular exercise, I decided to take up running again. But this time, not the obsessive way that I used to, filled with pain and quitting 6 months later. This time for life.
For 3 weeks I ran from my front door to the end of the street (about 100 meters). The activity was never painful. It was easy to stick with, so I did.
At times it felt ridiculous. I looked like a complete moron to my roommate. Who saw me change to runners, run for 2 minutes, and come back home.
It does not matter, stick with it.
Now I’ve started to love running. I look forward to exercise because I know It won’t be a dreadful experience. It will be fun.
On my runs, I stop by a set of monkey bars (I’ve never been able to do a single pull-up in my life).
Now I can proudly say — I can do one.
And want to do more. I don’t care how long it takes, but I know that I won’t suffer to make it happen. It will be pleasant.
My Method To Gain Without Pain
What I did was 10 reverse pull-ups, each time I ran past the monkey bars. This means that you jump up and lower yourself as slowly as you can, which also trains your muscles.
I didn’t push myself to the point of failure. I did not buy any fancy equipment or watched any tutorials on how to do pull-ups. I made the habit small and fun.
This process is slower, yes. But it works wonders. Because it is too simple to fail.
The most important thing is that you let go of that useless voice that says that you did not work hard enough. You must be happy with doing your 1–10 reps.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it should be so effortless that you don’t feel anything.
Some struggle is good. When you feel resistance and push on, you get a feeling of progress. The pump is great.
But as soon as you feel that agonizing pain. When you start to suffer, stop.
Call it a day and don’t let that negative voice arise. The one that says it was not enough. Keep your mindset positive. Keep the activity fun.
Today the pain from doing the pull up/downs doesn’t hurt a fraction as much as in the beginning. I can now hold until my muscles fail and still like the activity.
My level of tolerance has increased, and more of the exercise has become fun struggle.
Like how you struggle in a competitive game but still really enjoy playing. Or how a child learns to speak. Naturally curious about the world. Never hovered over some glossary book in despair.
But the child still quickly learns, even though they don’t suffer.
We learn to suffer later in life. And it kills us. Even though suffering can bring success. It is not the path to a good life.
I think we get told the story of suffering by successful people who don’t know better. It’s what they did, so it is easy to assume it’s the same way for everyone.
Well, I have tried that route. It made me stiff. It is too close to an all-or-nothing mindset. Then once you’ve achieved success in the form of money, status, fame, or a great price. You realize after a couple of days, now what?
So the struggle for the next great goal continues. The space between moments of success (life itself), becomes more suffering.
To summarize:
- Anything you’re trying to do. Make it fun, and it will last.
- Don’t assume that “successful” people live happier lives.
- Material success is a great bonus, not a goal in itself.
- When you struggle, make sure it’s fun struggle not suffering.
What matters is your health. Both physical and mental. Don’t take your mind or your body for granted.
But take it too seriously and you just create mental blocks for yourself. Life becomes life or death.
Find a happy medium. The small improvements you make each week, out of love. Outperforms any “serious” effort you’ve tried to make so many times before.
Your mind and body will thank you in the years to come.
So whatever you are trying to achieve. Make it fun.
-Martin Ahlström
