Yesterday (8 October 2020), I decided to meet psychiatrist. I know him from my search tab on twitter. His name is dr.Rama Giovanni, one of the most recommended psychiatrist that I found. His clinic is far far away from home so it took a lot of time and effort and of course money (well, since I used my pocket money) to met him.
I can’t really write the details because I do not feel like I want to. I told him like so much things that have been happening to me all this years. I cried, laugh (because he was funny tho), but mostly confused because I’m not used to tell my feelings or my stories.
Then, he said that I have depression. It might be there for long because I’ve been doing things such as nail picking since a long time ago. It isn’t major nor minor depression. It’s between that.
He prescribed me with only one medicine that I need to take every morning. When I googled what kind of medicine, it said that the medicine that I take is an antidepressant. You know, it feels like I’m dreaming because I’m taking an antidepressant for the sake of my feelings, to control my depression.
I’m not yet ready to tell anyone about it. Not even my parents. But seriously, I’m broke because of this :(, plus I need to see psychologist which cost me more more. But, yesterday he asked me: “Would you like to be normal again?” so I guess spending much money for it maybe can help me to feel “normal again”
It’s funny that I thought I’m normal all this time. Well normal and very dramatic. I mean at some point that there’s something wrong with me but it come and goes, nothing constant, nothing stay for a longer time to notice myself that I need help.
Ah, I remember he told me a fact that I’ve been denying: that I’m lonely.
“Ada penelitian tentang tiga tanaman. Satu diberi kata-kata kasar setiap harinya, satu didiamkan saja, dan satu lagi diberikan kata-kata baik. Menurut kamu, tanaman mana yang paling rusak” he asked me that. I answered “..yang diberi kata-kata kasar”, but he said “bukan, yang didiamkan adalah tanaman yang paling rusak”. Then I cried.