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for so long after my heartbreak, i was confused. i was so convinced that i heard jesus telling me this boy was my husband. and then he left me, broken and hurting. the very second i saw him, i prayed “lord, can he be the one who stays forever?” and that. right there. should have been enough for me to know that he was not, in fact, my husband. if i have to beg and plead for Jesus to keep someone in my life, that someone should not be in my life.

i was attached to this boy from the…

burn the ships, cut the ties;

send a flare into the night;

say a prayer, turn the tide;

dry your tears and wave goodbye;

step into a new day;

we can rise up from the dust and walk away;

we can dance upon our heartache;

so light a match, leave the past, burn the ships

and don’t you look back.

— burn the ships, for king and country

when one is afraid of vulnerability to begin with, getting hurt is the near-death experience that reminds their inner emotion-turtle to remain in its shell for the rest of its days. …

the questions swarm my brain tonight. one vein of questions, in particular, stands out among the rest and i am overcome by it.

how do you move on from loving the person that you thought you were going to spend forever with? how do you let go of the one person you loved more than anything, because they broke you in two? how do you pick yourself up, and pretend to put your heart back together for another?

it’s been a year. since my person became my own personal monster. …

anger. a word i don’t use in great excess.

but i feel it.

i feel the blackness. the embers in my soul. i feel it until those embers burn into a bonfire that could consume me.

just like bonfires do, anger consumes me until i see nothing but red. the girl that stole my identity from me. fucking red dripping from my eyelids every time i saw her. the girl that stole the boy i loved. a burgundy that ached as much as burned in my heart. the sister that spat in the face of everything i was as a…

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

so many emotions flying around my cosmos tonight.

nostalgia seems to hit when i see old photos. looking at people i used to know like siblings, or maybe even lovers, never ceases to make me feel things. i look at everything i have gone through, all the mindsets i have had, and i am in awe.

jesus never fails to amaze me at his transformative work in my life. even when i cannot see it. even when the valley blinds me to his gentle hand leading me throughout life. it’s wild. and beautiful. and perfect.

i am no longer…

i would like to write about something beautiful tonight.

a story, perhaps, of times i forgot about when my world turned dark.

a story full of light and joy and love and of a heart-wrenching love that changes everything and everyone it touches. a story of shame and guilt being washed away by overwhelming love and sacrifice.

a year ago, i was enamored. by a boy who would be my first love, my first heartbreak, and my first glimpse at the inhumanity of selfishness. i avoided red flags and threw myself into loving him, with no hope of getting that…

lately, i have decided to pursue sewing and embroidery as a hobby. my time on a tall-ship introduced me to the wonderful, calming world of thread work. it is a place where i focus on nothing else, my thoughts run wild, and i usually have some soul-touching music playing.

i found my grandmother’s stash of sewing supplies, and in them, i found a seam ripper. a special tool that is used to tear stitches apart to allow the seam of the fabric to let go, to come apart.

last summer, i fell in love. with a boy who i mistakenly…

“god wrecks your plans before your plans wreck you”

were you going to wreck me? was loving you going to ruin me? maybe. maybe you were not who i thought you were. maybe i was too young, too starry-eyed, too naive. maybe i should have said more. maybe i shouldn’t have said anything at all.

you taught me to open my heart. then you taught me to shut it up like a clam again. you taught me that seeing the good and bad in a person and accepting it won’t matter all the time. …

there once was a girl who didn’t know how cruel the world was. she was young, innocent, and trusting of everyone. there was a boy who saw her, and wanted to get her attention. he treated her like a princess; which was everything her heart longed for. she decided she was going to let her guard down and gave him a piece of her heart wrapped in white paper. he didn’t want it and he stomped it into the ground, dirtying the paper and leaving the girl’s heart bruised and crushed.

the innocence she once embodied, changed. she turned dark…

tomorrow it all starts. the orientation into my new life.

yesterday, i trained to jump off the boat. i learned about becoming a mouth breather. i learned to just step, let the fall take you, and enter the water effortlessly.

it was last december that i decided to just step. i had been struggling for three months at a school i did not love, doing something i did not enjoy. i was miserable. i ate everything in sight because food was the only thing i could enjoy. i distracted myself with boys. i joked about death. i was in the…

a girl

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