A few weeks ago, I did something that I regret. And that made me lose someone I loved so much. Yes, losing hurts so much.
I never thought my doing could make a hole inside my heart that I suddenly felt sad. Suddenly the memories of him popped up inside my head. Suddenly, I could only feel sadness.
My life seemed pretty perfect. I seemed to have everything I want in place. But all of those happiness just disappeared when I got the loss.
I started to change.
I couldn’t stay alone in a room. I couldn’t study. I couldn’t concentrate. Being in a silent room only triggered my sadness. I always wanted to be quiet, thinking of nothing. My heart was full of depression.
I couldn’t stand it I even asked my friend “Can I study with you? At least physically you’re around. It’s okay if we don’t literally study like discuss stuff.” because I totally couldn’t study alone. I couldn’t bear a second of my loneliness in tears.
Could you imagine someone who used to walk bravely suddenly changed into someone who walked slowly? That’s me. I even cried when I was walking, sounds silly? But it did happen.
It’s that agony. The agony you don’t want anyone to know, but on the other side, you know you need help.
I kept being that person. Someone who didn’t have a spirit while discussing cases & presenting learning issues in class. Someone who lost interest in things she used to like. Someone who didn’t want to live anymore. Someone who only ate once a day. Someone with a sudden autophobia.
When I tried to know how mentally wrong I am, by reading PPDGJ. Yes, I was suffering depression.
You may be surprised. But it did happen to me. But I quickly managed it on my own. I came back to God, trying to find a cure for myself, trying to find a reason to keep living.
You also may be surprised, knowing everything that happened to me, “Mut! You’re getting a very big opportunity ahead! Aren’t you grateful?” or something like that. But sometimes you simply don’t know the weakness point of someone. You don’t know everyone’s darkest past that could change them a lot.
So, what’s the point of this writings? I was depressed. But this isn’t about me. I believe this also happens to other people with depression.
You might have a friend telling you how sad she is. But sometimes you don’t know how much she cried about it alone. You sometimes don’t know the big effect of her sadness. That you guys only end up telling her it’s okay when all they need is knowing you guys LOVE her, are THERE FOR HER, and always SUPPORT her. At least, you say it. She may not tell you but she may have autophobia due to loss, cry all days, loss of appetite the whole day, decreased ability in concentrating, loss of interest, and even have the thought of SUICIDE.
I’m writing this post not to make you have a pity on me. Because alhamdulillah, I have found my way out to God.
But I’m writing this to let you know that
Depression is like a tip of an iceberg.
It may look small, but it actually exists everywhere invisibly. It can happen to your friend, your best friend, and even YOU.
I’m writing this to let you know,
Depression can happen to anyone.
Even to someone with the seem-to-be happiest life.
Once someone tells you how sad she is, never let them fall deeper into depression. Because it hurts more than you can imagine. Once you detect a sperk of depression in someone, I tell you this,
Show them your love. It may not cure instantly, but it creates their strength.
I hope, with this writings, you’ll understand that depression isn’t only about statistical numbers of the sufferers. It’s not only about its medication & treatments. It’s not only about its theories on medical books or educational videos. It’s more than that.