The Journey & The Sadness In The End of It

This is a very special post, a post about a big change in my life which changes myself as well.

After I got this :

I didn’t really believe it. I reopened it many times. I even took a picture of it to know that it was real. And it is real… alhamdulillah.

I cried. When I read it, I honestly cried. I never thought I’d make it this way. I was desperate before. Totally stressed. Most of my friends, who’ve spent their high school life with more joy, have got their next almamater. ITB, IPB, Unpad, UGM. While me? I was rejected by med. faculty of UI via talent scouting program. I didn’t sign up for SNMPTN because I chose UI’s program over SNMPTN.

I still remember the desperate cry I had when I knew I was rejected. UI had been my univ dream since I was 10th grader. Then I changed my dream a lot when I was 11th grader. I even was stubborn that I wanted to attend MIT. Crazy, right? My efforts to go there was even… how to describe it… harsh.

I took a TOEFL prep class that costs Rp 200.000 per hour. It was worth it though. I bought some SAT books that aren’t cheap. I also bought Barron’s TOEFL book that costs half of a million rupiah. I took 2 SAT Subject tests (Math and Biology) two times because I didn’t get enough score in my first time (but I finally got enough ones in my second time). I even had an interview with Mr. Rudy, a former CEO of Merpati Airlines who’s also an alumni of MIT. It went so smoothly. All my efforts to go to MIT had been done with enthusiasm, difficulty, and also, big amount of money. All I needed to do after that was to wait for the announcement.

But then, I withdrew my application from MIT. Yes, I’m not unaccepted in MIT. I just withdrew my application from consideration. All of those hard work I’ve done never made it to the table surrounded by MIT professors to consider.

Why? Because in the last minutes of me waiting for the announcement of my application, my parents suddenly forbid me to go to USA for college. They suddenly felt afraid to let me go there. They didn’t want me to be discriminated for being a muslim. They didn’t want me to stay that far. And because I love them so much, I did what they wanted me to do.

My journey to college started over. Back at one. That’s when I was 12th grader. First, I was confused which major I’d take because the major I wanted to take in MIT hasn’t existed in Indonesia. Not even in ITB. Yes, Brain & Cognitive Sciences (a bit like neurology + psychology + medicine, fun, right?) . So I took Bidik Jurusan program to know which major I’d fit in. Though my parents didn’t really trust that kind of thing. But I took it just for… probably a little consideration. Then there it is, the result is :

  1. Fakultas Kedokteran (Medicine)
  2. Fakultas Kedokteran Gigi (Dentistry)
  3. MIPA (I don’t know what you call it in English, honestly)

After a deep thinking, I finally chose to fight for those 2 options. Medicine and dentistry. There it starts again, my dream to go to UI is back. Though my priority is its international one (because I was kinda scared of AFTA’s stuff later when I graduated). I was so hopeful about being accepted to it via talents scouting program. I didn’t want to study one more month. I didn’t want to practice SBMPTN questions one more month. Besides, I was very optimistic I’d be accepted to it because I had enough certificates, enough TOEFL score and convincing motivational letter.

But it didn’t happen.

And I was like… that leaf that dropped from a very high tree branch to the ground. I was desperate, stressed. It was my first time crying loudly in my room. Unfortunately it happened when I was home alone. When all my family members were out of town. Nobody tried to stop my cries. I texted my friends, they were too nervous for SNMPTN result to listen to me. But it kinda helped because I still have my best friend who took the same program as I did, Tami (Thanks, Tami!)

Back, it was such a frustrating month. I studied so hard for SBMPTN, SIMAK and other ‘ujian mandiri’. I also still remember myself finally taking UGM entrance exam after I was rejected by UI (I honestly didn’t have a heart for it because UGM entrance exam is muuuuch harder than SIMAK). I left my hobbies (no more playing guitar, no more writing). I left the people I often talked to, the closed ones, including my best friends. I was like… a different person that time. I felt so selfish but if I didn’t, I thought I’d probably fail. You can ask my CG (bimbel) friends that I often yelled for no reason. One of them said, “Kamu tuh kenapa sih. Kaya banyak masalah. Kayanya tuh marah marah mulu deh.”. Lucky he was a guy. I even got more sad and more frustrated once I found out my teachers were asking some of my friends about it like, “Gimana Muthia Huda? Udah keterima dimana dia?”.

I couldn’t tell a whole story of my frustration that month here. It’d be… I don’t know… long? Haha. The point is I got more frustrated when most of my friends were accepted to their dream university. I WAS happy for their success but my teachers made it feel like… frustrating. All my friends who are in top 5 have been accepted to their dream college but me. You must know how that feels. I was wondering how stressful it’d be if I didn’t get accepted to a good college. What would it look like? All 4 people in top 5 of my school class are in Indonesian best colleges. While me?, yeah it was my thought.

After a very hard struggle, panda’s eyes, hard SBMPTN prep, hard sleepover in CG, I finally got that picture of UGM saying it accepted me to its medicine program. Happy? Of course! All that hard struggles made me ‘ikhlas’ for whatever God has for me. I didn’t force myself to get accepted to UI or Unpad or UGM. I even planned to take Undip, Unbraw, UNS even Trisakti entrance exam if I wasn’t accepted to any top 3 indonesian college (UI, UGM, Unair)

I cried. Yes. I was very pessimistic I’d be accepted to UGM because its entrance exam was hard. MMPI2, TOEFL, Situational judgement test, Academic tests (which is as difficult as A levels kind of test), Gajah Mada Aptitude test, they were tough. I even had to change my LJK like twice during the test because ‘my body’ was too nervous.

But alhamdulillah, I did it. With God’s love and His permission, I was accepted.

I was so happy at first. But then…

— part 2 —

I felt it. It’s the feeling of knowing that you’re going to leave for years. It’s the feeling of knowing that studying in medicine faculty isn’t as easy as studying in other faculty. I saw the schedule and it has only like small portions of holiday. I even heard that my friend’s cousin who’s there didn’t come home to Bandung at 3 times of Lebaran. Crazy, right? And the international one forced its students to get cum laude stuff to be allowed to take a second degree in either Germany, Netherlands, Australia or Ireland. I even heard my cousin who is now attending the same faculty in Unpad saying, “Studying in medical school is harder than studying for SBMPTN.”.

It’s the feeling of knowing that you’re going to move and stay outside your hometown for years, in the hardship of studying medicine, with the struggle to be the best kind of doctor to serve Indonesian people’s health care. I’m gonna be far from home and super busy at the same time.

I’m gonna miss my parents who are now old. I hope they’ll be alive when I’m married.

I’m gonna miss my siblings. All her debates and her companion when I want to go wherever I want.

I’m gonna miss my niece. The cute one who wants to be a professor. I wish she could stay small…

I’m gonna miss my friends. My best friends. I’m gonna miss every single thing they did in high school. I’m gonna miss them very much… I couldn’t explain that even.

I’m gonna miss my school. Taruna Bakti especially. The place I never thought I’d study in. The place that’s changed me. All wonderful people there, unique teachers, everything… all the memories. The first time I met a very bad boy in my class (not gonna mention a name.). The first time I fell in love in a different way. All my first times in there. Uncountable and inexplicable.

It’s gonna be different now. Studying in medicine faculty will be much different. Honestly, saying that is kinda killing me though. “It’s gonna be different.”

That’s why if you find me being a different person, a more ‘sensi’ person, a person with less heart. It’s because I’m still mulling things over. I’m still trying to accept the fact that everything’s gonna change. Sometimes to even accept that I just want to leave the person who can remind me so much of Taruna Bakti. I’m just feeling too sad to be around.

I’m even sad right now for talking about it.

But the point is, thank you. Thank you for all the people in my high school. In Taruna Bakti. It’s an unforgettable place. Thank you for giving me unforgettable memories, people. Friends, best friends. I want to stay around. I do want to stay longer. But I can’t. There’s my future ahead waiting for me. I will miss you very much. I will miss Tarbak. I will miss every single thing in those memories. If you ever find me being a different person, trust me, I don’t want to be one as well. Things have forced me to. And I’m changing. And I apologize for being one. I promise, one day, I’ll come back as a successful person. I promise, I will change into a better person instead of a worse person. :-)

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