What I Never Told You

The nights I spent not talking to you, I was thinking about you. Hoping you would say something to me.

My heart grew warmer every time I saw you. It was always a nightmare saying goodbye. The only reason I dreaded meeting you is because I had to say goodbye at some point. I couldn’t have you forever.

I meant I loved you whenever I said I liked you. I just could not take in the thought of hearing you did not love me. I chose ignorance to be my bliss. But not knowing whether you loved me or not was a nightmare because I always thought you didn’t.

When I was with you and could not talk, it was not because you were boring. It was because I was carrying the world with my two hands and you wanted a handshake. It was because an empty canvas was in front of me and I did not know what colours were. It was because I had to recite poetry while I was still learning the alphabet.

When you told me you were engaged, I smiled. I wished I could wish you all the best but I couldn’t betray myself. All I could afford was a smile. I could have told you I loved you. But I would be a beggar who picked a penny and walked into a restaurant. I could only smile and stomach my feelings. The butterflies that would dance whenever I saw you didn’t like it. They became bitter flies.

My heart was destroyed. My mind took the place of my heart. I swore I would never love again. But the pieces still hold on to their hope. That you will come one day. And I will be on a horse. I will pull you up and we will ride into the sunset. We will find the end of the rainbow. The birds will cheer and the vines will dance as we kiss. I will wait. Love is that gullible.

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