I hate Old People.

Okay, not all Old People. Betty White is pretty cool. And Santa Claus seems jolly. But most Old People just annoy the hell out of me. I’m no spring chicken myself. But as I approach the thirteenth anniversary of my 39th birthday, I find that I have increasingly less patience for Old People Bullshit -- OPB.

I will cut you so much slack if you are new to Earth. That’s why I have incredible patience with children. They haven’t been on this planet very long; they are still learning our Earthly ways. But after a couple of decades or so, I expect all humans to have a clue. And, oh, does it piss me off when they don’t!

So, surely you can understand my frustration with Old People and their OPB. They have been on Earth for many decades, for a huge fraction of a century. And, yet, so many of them are still such freaking idiots!

The worst thing that Old People thrust on humanity is Nostalgia, the ultimate OPB. Life was so much better when I was a kid. No, it was not! It was not better for you; it was not better for society. Unless you live in Syria, things are better now in almost every freaking way. Well, I never wore a bike helmet, and I turned out fine. No, it appears that you suffered some brain damage. And that would explain a lot of what the older generations say about the younger.

Many of the people spouting OPB on Facebook grew up in the Sixties and Seventies, those bucolic decades of Perfect Bliss. Ya know, the Civil Rights Movement. The Vietnam War. Watergate. The assassinations of JFK and RFK and MLK. If you are a woman, be thankful that it is not fifty years ago. If you are black or latino, be thankful it is not fifty years ago.

If you are Gay, don’t even. Don’t even! I grew up with exactly no Gay role models. None! David Bowie kind of, sort of, may have hinted that he may just be maybe a little bisexual. Oooh! When I was in college, Elton John was married to a woman! I found out that celebrities were Gay — that anyone was Gay — when they died of AIDS. Now, I live in a world where I can be Out and open and proud. My nephew is happily married to his husband, and they are planning a full life. So, you’re telling me that life was better fifty years ago? Don’t even!

I’m not on the Snapchat. Are you on the Snapchat? Well, apparently many kids these days are on the Snapchat. And, apparently, sometimes these teenagers will do sexual things on the Snapchat. Or use the Snapchat to hookup. I think that means they have sex! I know! I am appalled! Appalled! Back in my day, we didn’t have the Snapchat. So, teenagers never had sex. Without social media, there were no parties with alcohol. Finally, and most importantly, without the distractions of the internet, teenagers never kept secrets from their parents. Therefore, obviously, any deficiencies in parenting today must be due to technology. OPB!

I have a computer in my pocket! Let me repeat that: I have a computer in my pocket! See, in the olden days, very few people had computers in their pockets. I was reminded of this one night, when some friends and I were in a bar and we got in a discussion of Canadian celebrities. One of us insisted that Dan Aykroyd was not Canadian. In the olden days, I would have pummeled that bastard into my submission to admit that Dan Aykroyd is absolutely American, and I probably would have ended up in jail. Instead, we quickly learned that Dan Aykroyd is indeed Canadian. So, I bought a round of shots. Progress!

So, knock it off with the Nostalgia. Knock it off with the OPB. Your generation is not unique. Your generation is not special because of its technology or its lack of technology. I can assure you that your generation’s television shows and music mostly suck.

And, if you’re over twenty-five, get off my goddamned lawn!

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