Money & Honesty: A Personal Reflection
I was not a good steward my freshman year of college.
More specifically, I was not a good steward of my money.
Often, while what I spent money on was not bad, my attitude definitely needed improvement.
My problem was that I spent money feeling out of control, unable to say no to a dinner out with my friends or a cookie someone was selling on the mall. Something happened where I forgot that these were pleasures to enjoy in moderation not in excess. I often fell into the pitfall that I was entitled to these pleasures.
“I worked really hard so I should probably buy that succulent. Plus I love succulents. Win, win.”
This attitude left me feeling ashamed. Wasn’t I capable of being a good steward? Why did I spend money this way? Shouldn’t I know better? I do know better!
Reflecting on my freshman year, I found how often my feelings of being out of control were manifested in certain ways. No, I did not turn to partying or alcohol. And though I didn’t blow tons of money on crazy endeavors, I know how often I felt unsure when making a purchase. Did I really need this?
I think at certain points in our lives we recognize how and why certain habits were formed according to our circumstances. Perhaps because I was dealing with the chaos of college, I felt other parts of my life becoming more chaotic and less thoughtful.
Though I reprimand myself for these rash purchases, less to dwell in the past but more to better myself in the now, I also recognize that not every moment of spending was unwise.
However, I am happy to reflect on this point in my life, especially as I try to save money for a semester abroad. Also growing in the realization that the habits we form are long lasting (read: they can be hard to break).
In many ways, in facing the reality of this bad habit of mine, I am being forced to face the reality of who I am and who I want to be.
Often, I think we see parts of ourselves, and in our own shame, turn away and hide. I did not want to face the reality of why I was spending money the way I did, which was because of feeling out of control, resulting in a lack of moderation and prudence.
For me, I have found more and more that merely looking at who I am with honesty has invited me to grow more as a person, when before I may have been afraid to change. This simple reflection on spending money has opened up much for me!
So here’s to saving, not spending, and hopefully more reflections like this to come!
