Investigation Station: Who Is Rob Kardashian?

There’s something important happening on the internet and I’m trying to figure out what‘s at stake

Nolan Thomas
Jul 28, 2017 · 3 min read
Yes, that’s the correct way to wear a hat, Rob.

I don’t know much about the Kardashian’s. I’m aware one of them is married to Kanye West, and before Kanye she (Kim) was married to future NBA Hall of Fame inductee Kris Humphries.

Before today, I had never heard of Rob Kardashian. Which, I’m totally fine with, after having spent the last 20 minutes reading about his life.

A Quick Rob Synopsis

Rob is the son of Robert Kardashian (O.J. Simpson’s very good attorney) and Kris Jenner. He was born in 1987 and in 2009 he graduated from USC’s Marshall School of Business; A degree he later used to launch his own sock line. That’s right, socks. Fucking socks.

The socks sell for around $15 and, also, you can buy a hat that says “Classy Bitch” for $35. This is a real business.

At some point between 2012 and 2016 he gained 100 pounds. TMZ took a photo of him running at some point after the weight gain and congratulated him on beating diabetes. This leads me to believe that Rob Kardashian had diabetes.

Current Turmoil

Rob’s had a rough day, just one day after our country celebrated its independence, and has taken the interweb by storm.

Apparently, Rob was married to Blac Chyna, a model born in Washington, D.C. as Angela White. They went through a rough patch in 2016 and separated soon thereafter. From what I’ve read, she used to date Tyga, the rapper. Tyga now dates one of Rob’s half-sisters. I’m not involved in this dynamic at all and I can already tell you where this is headed.

There’s a lot to digest here. Firstly, I think we’ve all been in this situation: Our girlfriend or wife cheats on us multiple times because the basis for the relationship, unbeknownst to us, was to try and make the guy who penned “Rack City” jealous.

Secondly, when we’ve been in this tough spot, airing everything out on social media is usually the go-to move. And by everything, I’m including a picture of a text exchange in which we ask our then-wife for a picture of her lady clam so that we can “cum before we shower.”

Making Sense of it All

I’ve known about Rob for under an hour, which is plenty of time to make a fair judgement of who he is as a person: He’s an idiot.

Yes, he has a child. Yes, betrayal sucks. But, c’mon man. You’re spending $100,000 on reconstructive surgery for your wife, bragging about buying her Lamborghini’s, Ferrari’s and dropping $250,000 on jewelry. Buddy, your main source of income is being a lucky sperm egg — oh and also selling some socks from time to time.

I put 20 minutes of reading into this situation and immediately knew this Blac Chyna gal was trying to make Tyga jealous. You developed adult onset diabetes before she started dating you — and it wasn’t even brought on by genetics. Nor can you wear a baseball hat without looking like someone brought a giant egg to life.

You should have probably seen this one coming, Rob.

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