What am I teaching in this moment?
We’re always teaching them. It’s a good idea to ask what.
When adults work with children, they tend to assume a teaching stance. Often it’s done unconsciously, but it shows up consistently in the research — adults tend to take any interaction with a child as an opportunity to teach.
Given that we do that, this prompt is amazingly helpful for anyone working with kids. (Or humans of any age really — it’s pitched to kids but it holds for other adults, or even yourself.)
“What am I teaching in this moment?”
Kids can be fun, challenging, annoying, maddening, and confusing — sometimes all in the same instance. It’s hard to remember that they are just small people. It can be hard at times not to blow your stack at them. I’ve told my university students very openly that having your own children will take you to places of anger that you never thought you could go. They’re a little shocked — apparently professors aren’t supposed to say things like that.
The issue isn’t whether or not you’ll get frustrated, it’s what you do about it.
Keeping a clear sight on two things really helps:
1. Kids are just small people, with less experience and time on the planet
2. They are learning from you all the time
So it’s good to ask yourself— “What am I teaching in this moment?”
Notice that’s not “What do I want to be teaching?” It’s “What am I actually teaching, given what I am saying and doing right now?”
When we stop to actually consider what our actions and words might be teaching, it slows us down and gives us the chance to be better people. Few among us actually want to teach children to erupt in frustration. Few among us want to teach children impatience. But that’s what happens when we model it.
Asking ourselves what we’re teaching in this moment allows us to see our words and actions through the eyes of the child in front of us. It allows us to try instead to teach what is of value, and to do that in a more respectful, loving way. That in itself is a huge lesson for children to absorb.
So in any moment, whether it’s a quiet moment, a moment of playfulness or frustration, it’s good to ask yourself — What am I teaching in this moment?
Because asking ourselves this reveals what the child is learning about
Him/herself
Me as a parent/teacher/adult
What our family/school/group values
Life
These are profound questions, well worth considering.
When we talk to children we are conveying so much more than just the words we use. We are also conveying our values. Children and teens read our voices and our messages, and they take away lessons about who they are and what matters. Over time, these messages become ingrained. These messages lead to who the child becomes.
So who are we teaching them to be?
It’s easy to lose sight of this in the heat of an argument, or if you’re late out the door. It’s easy to forget this as you’re corralling a rowdy group of kids in a classroom, or after-school program, or on an athletic field. It’s easy to lose sight of, but it’s worth training ourselves to remember that we are teaching.
When we yell at kids for screwing up
Yelling doesn’t help us get kids where we want them to be. When we yell at kids for screwing up, or when we ask things like “What were you thinking?!”
• We teach children that they are deserving of being yelled at
• We teach them that we are a person who yells and is intolerant
• And that that is acceptable in our family/classroom
• We teach them that when they do things wrong it is shameful
When we accept kids for making mistakes
Accepting kids doesn’t mean that whatever they do is ok. When we are accepting of kids, even when they make mistakes, and ask things like
“Wow. That didn’t work out well. What should we do now?”
• We teach them that they are not defined by their mistakes
• We teach them that we love them and also want them to do their best
• And that in our family/classroom we help each other
• We teach them that mistakes are opportunities to learn
The language we use with children translates to their self concept and their concept of the world. This is critical to understand — the words we use are a huge part of their cognitive development.
So what are your words teaching today?
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