Don’t Make Me Smite You
So I figured that maybe it was time for me to step out a little and write about something deeper — something with a little more substance, more grit and a bit more controversy.
So I will NOT heed the advice of my mother, but will instead step into the land of “should nots” and discuss….religion.
No!!
Yes.
First of all — I am a huge fan of God. Which is why I find it rather puzzling that GOD — the omnipotent and all powerful creator of the universe, by and large is portrayed as a blackmailer or an angry toddler. Since this is a “blog,” I don’t have the luxury of going through all the chapters of the Bible to build my case, so I will just have to stick with a few of the highlights.
Let’s start with that “behind the scenes” conversation with Abraham where God says, “Listen Abe, if you promise that you will not put any other gods before me and worship me and only me, I can make it worth your while — like maybe I can bless your blood line for all of eternity? I’ve always wondered how that discussion really went. You know, did God start out small, offering spa treatments for the whole family for an entire year, or maybe 24 hour access to their Archangel of choice? Then after hours and hours of back and forth negotiating, God — too darn tired to realize that there aren’t any other gods but him — offers Abraham the deal of the century. I’ll bet when God figured it out later, he was pissed. None the less, I’m a little disappointed that God let his insecurities get the best of him. I like to think that the “Creator of the Universe” has a little bit more insight than that.
Then there’s this whole thing about flooding the world and killing everything on the planet except for what Noah could fit on his big boat. Let’s really think about that for a moment — we’re talking about God — the guy who created the ENTIRE universe. He left it up to one old guy to build an enormous boat; then decide which lucky boy/girl of every species would be spared a horrible death? Okay, I can accept that maybe WE were a disappointment, but what about all the other animals? That’s a lot of pressure to put on Noah. “Uh…yeah, God. I just went out and broke the news to all the animals that only two of each of them could fit on the boat and well…It was going pretty good but then the woodland creature section kept staring at me all doey eyed and I don’t know — can’t you just ‘zap’ them all somewhere until things settle down?”
Sure, God felt bad about it later. He did give us the rainbow afterall, and yeah, It’s pretty, but what can you really do with it? Its a little generic — me personally — I would have preferred a puppy or something.
Turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for looking back on Sodom and Gomorrah when God told her not to — that was a classic temper tantrum. First of all, why the big rush to get out of town? Did God have another appointment to go to that morning? “Lot, I’m on my way to a Catholic convention, but before I leave I’ll be blowing up the city. I would like to spare you and your family from the death and destruction that I will be unleashing at 0900 hours — eat a light breakfast and don’t bother packing much -and oh — when you hear the really loud, BOOM! Don’t look back. No reason…just don’t do it….because I said so.”
By the New Testament, there are some noticeable improvements in the way God interacts with us. I guess the anger management courses helped him realize that he wasn’t much of a people person. He decided to turn the talking over to someone a little younger and more in touch with the masses. Jesus was a great choice; he was liberal, laid back and a good listener.
Dear Mark, Matthew, Luke and John,
I took the liberty of enrolling you boys in a local creative writing class — hope you don’t mind. I feel like the four of you really “get me” and I need some good PR people on my side. The Old Testament just had me coming across as a big meanie. I want to be a kinder, gentler God and so I’m going to need you boys to be really focused. Jesus is all ready to go. I just talked to him this morning, but as you know, he can be a little shy and soft spoken, so you might stick with the smaller crowds. Anyway, let me know if you need anything!Sincerely,
GodDear God,
Sounds great! Mark went to the drug store and got us all some papyrus and quills — I picked up a new abacus too, because mine broke — beads were everywhere! Anyway, we’re all on board and can’t wait until Jesus gets here. By the way, not that we’re trying to micromanage you or anything, but do you think sending only one guy is the way to go? I’m just saying — it might be a slow process and we were really hoping for a big push in the beginning to get your name really out there. Besides, you know how wordy Jesus can be sometimes — yadda yadda Kingdom of God, get to the point already. We checked out that Buddha guy, he seems nice — smiles and laughs a lot, although I don’t think he would be up to a whole lot of walking, (something about sleep apnea and bad knees), oh well, whatever you decide is cool with us.Sincerely,
Luke
Jesus and his disciples really did have an enormous undertaking — trying to get the entire planet on the same page about something so intangible could not have been an easy task. I imagine it being like a never ending game of ‘telephone.’ “Jesus is the Son of God…pass it on.” If you look at how far away from the message “religion” has taken us; It seems to be a fairly accurate description.
