House Hunters Anonymous

Melissa
Melissa
Jul 21, 2017 · 2 min read

Okay, I already know I watch way too much of “House Hunters” on HGTV, but because I do there are some things that I’ve come to notice. Like why is there always one really stupid couple that shouldn’t even be able to ride public transportation let alone buy a house. Last night’s couple — a 20 something Ugly Betty type and her pedophile looking boyfriend. Seriously, he had huge black rimmed glasses that were so thick I was afraid if he stared at anything too long it might burst into flames. And although he had “smiley face” killer written all over him, he was the more clever of the two. Betty just kept mumbling on about paint choices oblivious to the actual “structure” she was walking through — could have been touring a tug boat for all she knew.

She kept saying things like, “Hey I like this room. It’s green.” “Hey, these light switch covers are really cool, but I noticed water was pouring out of one of them — is that bad??”

The two of them ran through the gauntlet of houses before narrowing it down to the top three. I couldn’t help but notice that pedophile guy was always interested in the basement and kept commenting on the walls being made of thick concrete. His exact quote: “Yeah, and this concrete is at least 2 feet thick — you can bang on it and yell and no one can hear you.” Run away Betty. Run Fast.

I’m always amazed at the nerve some buyers have when making offers on a house. They have no qualms about asking for appliances, flat screen TV’s, pets, gently used under garments, whatever their greedy little hearts desire. “Oh my god Steve!! Did you see that beautiful 19th century Armoire in the dining room!?? Excuse me, realtor person, please tell Mrs. Kensington that we just LOVE the house and would she mind throwing in the priceless antique Armoire that I assume came from a dead grandmother? I just don’t think we could even CONSIDER buying the house if that weren’t included. Oh, and the Persian rug from the living room…. and her grandmother’s ashes. Thanks!!”

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they had a couple on the show looking for a “fixer upper” and the realtor took them to see a crack house? “Oh, and if you’ll kick that filthy mattress aside, you’ll see that the owners have already started sanding through the excrement, exposing the original wood floors beneath. And since there isn’t any sheet rock on the walls, it will be SUPER easy to get in and remove any dead animals and get that wiring up to code — it truly was a miracle that no one was seriously injured in the fire.”

COMING THIS FALL ON HGTV!

Mondays at 8pm Central : “My House Is Worth Whaaat!!”

Wednesday 9pm Central : “Get It Sold! Or Else I’m Gonna Be Living With Your Ass.”

Originally published November 23, 2010.

Melissa

Melissa

The musings of everyday life…

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