Spontaneous Combustion

Good God! Is it really this hot outside?? Have we really been in the hundreds almost every freaking day since June?? I don’t know what I think about the whole “greenhouse effect” but I do know this……

Texas is either rapidly migrating towards the equator, or the sun is now only yards from the earth’s surface.

Whatever the reason — I’m about one degree away from spontaneous combustion. I only go outside for the length of time it takes me to get from one air conditioned area to the next.

Yesterday afternoon, my girlfriend and I went to the grocery store — now… because she recently bought a new car and because I stupidly told her that if you find a parking space next to a curb, you minimize your number of door dings… we NOW have to park a football field away from the store entrance. Yay me. So anyway, after circling the parking lot 6 or 7 times we finally found a suitable space. By the time we made it inside I had already lost 5 lbs of water weight — however, I’m not really complaining about that. We got our shopping done in about an hour I guess, so on the way out we refilled our canteens, applied more sun screen and off we went on our pilgrimage back across the parking lot. We were about halfway to the car when, as I was wiping the sweat from my eyes, I was almost certain I saw a snowman …..my heart raced for a minute and then I realized it was probably just a mirage.
 When we finally made it back to the car, my girlfriend began fumbling through her purse looking for the keys…I was starting to hallucinate at this point and in my delirium I foolishly touched the door handle with my bare hand….my scream even startled me. I ripped my hand away quickly and stared helpless at my palm which was now painfully devoid of fingerprints or texture. This was HELL! I was already sweating like Ruben from American Idol, but as I opened the door to get in, the furnace like blast of heat from inside the car quickly evaporated every bit of moisture from my face……in fact, I think my contacts are now cauterized to my cornea. “Hurry up!” I yelled, “for the love of god turn on the air conditioner!!”

Ahhh, sweet coolness! We drove past countless other idiots like ourselves…….morons who are more concerned with preserving the pristine condition of their vehicles than they are with their own safety. Those of us who have lived here a while — we understand.

Texas in the summer may be great for brushing up on your post apocalyptic survival skills, but it’s no place for outdoor recreation and fun.

As a reminder for us folks all ready here and others who will stupidly visit — please keep this in mind.

1. The sun is evil and will turn you to ash……if possible, only go out after dark.

2. Always, and I mean ALWAYS carry oven mitts with you — because every metal surface becomes a branding iron in the heat of the day.

3. Keep the dog poo picked up…..I was out mowing once, and the kiln like heat had petrified the poo so that when the mower blade hit it, it went flying across the lawn, killing a squirrel.

4. Lastly — Satan wants your soul………it’s too cold in Minnesota so he chooses to hang out here — plus he has a bad habit of stealing your car keys.

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