Sun Soaked And Left For Dead
Well summer is half over — thank god. Ang and I have managed to spend no more than 72 hours outside — most of which were spent running from parking lots to air conditioned buildings like we were fleeing from angry hornets. We knew that if we were going to brave the outdoors we would have to be near a body of water. So we decided to take a trip to what boasts to be the biggest water park in the country: Schlitterbahn!
If you have never HEARD of Schlitterbahn then it sounds like a dream! Acres and acres of water slides, roaring rapids and lazy rivers that have you floating around rocks and through majestic trees. Parents and children sitting under 200-year-old live oaks eating a picnic lunch and giddy about all the swell fun they will be having. The smell of Turkey legs and funnel cakes hangs in the air, people are dancing to music blasting over the loud speakers and every now and then a delighted child goes bobbing past — and you have to smile.
THE REALITY:
Having actually BEEN to Schlitterbahn, or as I like to affectionately call it, Shitter-bahn — the truth lies somewhere between my Willy Wonka-like vision and a riotous angry mob of sweaty adults and urine-soaked children.
First of all, the park is really three separate parks — two of which are located several blocks away from the “original” park. The best thing about the original park is that there are lots of trees and shade. The worst thing about the original park…is the smell, which reeks of mildew and trash cans. The park was built in 1966 and I feel certain that NOTHING has been power washed, painted or deodorized since then. Due to the lack of signage, we spent a great deal of time asking for directions to things. While the park is a decent size, it’s so compact and nestled into the trees that I half expected to see Bilbo Baggins sitting on a mushroom passing out maps.
The newer side of the park, while open and much less claustrophobic, had a frenzied B movie vibe. I wrestled a tube away from a little girl who looked like she had barely escaped the jaws of a prehistoric sea creature and hopped onto my float before I was quickly absorbed into the torrent river of screaming maniacal faces. What I thought was going to be a nice “lazy river” with a few waves rolling in was a bit like rats being flushed out of a sewer. Cumulatively, we all merged into an enormous vinyl mass of suffocating panic. Mothers were clawing at the water trying to grab their children before they were sucked under and lost for good — the whole scene was more like a naval rescue mission than a water park feature. Add to this the “bicycling” music from the Wizard of Oz and some strategically placed fun house mirrors -THEN the insanity effect would be complete. Two hour wait times and soggy artery clogging food between your toes — I gave this park 1 star, but only because I didn’t come home with an intestinal parasite.
Originally published August 2, 2011.
