Just a girl.

She’s just a girl. A girl who loves words. But sometimes this girl can’t find the words to express what she feels. It’s a war having to stay in control of her emotions. They’re constantly pushing her to the edge. Guilt. Anger. Pain. Nostalgia. Love.

The boys she meets think she’s a mystery. A puzzle. A question. They say she’s hard to read, as if her life’s a book written in traditional proverbs and metaphors. But she’s just a girl. She falls in love too quickly and gets hurt too easily. She has a fragile heart that is still learning to trust. Her lips have connected with those of strange men but none have left her as breathless as he could. She’s afraid of hands; of the magic they created when they made contact with her skin. She’s afraid of letting herself feel that magic again. There are nights she dreams of him and has to steady her heart back to normal. Most times she wants to forget something that she doesn’t quite know. Other times she wants to feel but the numbness still echoes within her. She cries in between mushy films and smiles at strangers. She ponders at the sound of her laughter as though it was one of the most interesting yet unfamiliar sound ever. She thinks about boys; never two at a time. She loves them all but not the way she loved him. She thinks she can be a hero. Her heart still bleeds for love as her tongue loses its relationship with her voice. Her mind is full of stories that she won’t write about.

These past few days have been rough for her. Her body is constantly caving for a satisfaction she can’t find. Her mind is consumed by thoughts and voices of the girl she used to be. Her heart demands an emotion she cannot define. The space around her is suffocating. She feels like a stranger in her own body. She is angry at herself for the number of times she’d failed to find a cure to her numbness. She’s tired of today looking like another blank page to her book of life. She is not okay. She wants to tell him. But she won’t. She will get through this too. Don’t worry yourself too much about her. She’s just a girl. A girl who just wants to be more.

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