Hey America, let’s chat.
Things seem to really have taken a turn for the worse lately, haven’t they? This election has really cracked apart the soft flaky crust of our American pie and revealed the bubbling hot and tumultuous cherries and blueberries that seethe just below it. And it seems like so many of the people that could slap on an oven mitt and pull this hot mess out of the oven are instead just gleefully turning up the heat, content to create a sweet sticky mess that we’ll all have to spend hours cleaning up.
This isn’t what our country needs. This won’t bring Chi-Chis back to America, or make Pluto a planet again, or bring a legitimate cannonball diving competition to the Olympics. The choices left standing after the worst season of America’s Got Candidates ever don’t really care about us or these critical issues — I’d bet they and their political parties don’t even consider them “problems.” But you and I know better.
To be frank — we need somebody else.
America needs a leader with little experience, but who is in touch with the plight of the average citizen. Someone with computer simulated practice in foreign affairs, who has participated in the economy, and has a robust and diverse Netflix queue of both critically acclaimed movies and terrible 80s sitcoms. Someone that understands the importance of not leaving the back gate open or your two dogs will just run around the neighborhood until the neighbors call the cops who fine you because the dogs don’t have their rabies shot because you got wrapped up trying to catch Pokemon on your phone. A person who believes, strongly, that America is a country.
I am that person, and that’s why I’m running for President of the United States of America.
My platform is simple. I am pro-good, and anti-bad. I stand for justice and freedom, and sit for injustice and not freedom. I passionately believe, like you, in the the things you personally believe in. And I am strongly against, like you, everything that you firmly oppose.
Some may say that’s pandering. Some may say I’m just telling you what you want to hear. That I’m just trying to win your vote and the Presidency to get a significant pay raise, access to a private jet, enormous mansion, and the ability to go to the Super Bowl whenever I damn well please. That I don’t even like your favorite flavor of ice cream despite saying that I do.
Well I do like that flavor of ice cream, dammit. As long as it’s not pistachio.
And I am not alone in these beliefs. A political party has formed around me, and with their help I have become the first “Major Party” candidate for President. We are the only party that represents ALL the beliefs of ALL Americans – simultaneously. And like me they believe that, together, we eradicate the scourge of glitter from this Earth.
So, America – who’s it going to be? The politically inexperienced but super rich guy? The most experienced candidate probably ever for President? The LibertIRANian? The beer mug lady?
Or me, Mark W. Frantz, the first and only Major Party candidate. The only man with the guts to annex the Moon, the resolve to end world hunger with the world’s largest brick of ramen, and the generosity to lend the country the Oval Office HBO Go password.
If you think there are no good choices in this election, if you are worried about where this country is going, if you really like cheese, then follow the Major Party and join the movement to Move to Frantz. Your nation needs you, I need you, and you need you. For you, for me, for America.
With the sincerest of sincerities,
Mark W. Frantz
Major Party Candidate for the Office of President of the United States