As part of a pre-mortem to plot the possible paths for my campaign to win the election, I wrote up an election night victory speech that encapsulates the key events that could get me there.
My fellow Americans,
I stand before you as an aberration of history, the first write-in candidate ever to win the election for President of the United States. It’s humbling to be behind this gold plated podium, clearly meant for one of the other candidates. I’ll probably take this baby home when we’re done here.
It’s worth taking a moment to reflect on the amazing events of the past month that led us here – it has been, frankly, a wildly unexpected journey for me, our nation and the world.
I was at my desk at work when NASA unveiled the evidence that most campaign attack ads were originating not from think tanks, but from Europa. And that night when, under intense questioning, Jill Stein suddenly turned into a tree-like creature who could only say ‘I am Grootstein’ that it finally hit home. In retrospect, it is not surprising that 85% of our elected officials were actually aliens masquerading as human beings – how else do you explain the constant decreases in funding for NASA, resistance to fighting climate change, and Newt Gingrich?
When the three remaining human justices ruled that the Constitution explicitly applied only to mankind, the path for alien domination was blocked. The nation and the world breathed a sigh of relief as the Europans, unmasked, powerless, and literal illegal aliens, piled into the Apple Cupertino mothership and took off back to Jupiter. We rejoiced when they took Donald (surprisingly human!) with them, ‘for study.’ And that’s the moment when America, you finally started the Move to Frantz.
From there everything flowed downhill. With my promises to end time zones, add time stamps to JSON, and ban the sale of non-clacky keyboards, I won the hearts of software developers. My plan to defeat ISIS not by targeting them, but retargeting them brought the marketers to my side. And my vision of annexing Mexico and Canada to ensure and protect the flow of tequila and Molson into this country made me the de facto choice for drunks and college students.
My campaign staff grew overnight from my random tweets on a train to tens of thousands of people randomly tweeting on trains. My supporters canvassed fantasy football forums, papier-mâché Pinterest boards and even LARP and Furry conventions. We built a grassroots movement together, one sarcastic introvert in a hedgehog costume at a time.
I’ll never forget the night of the debate – oh what an amazing sight! 400 write in candidates of every shape and size, all vying for the fleeting attention of a nation high as a kite after the end of traditional politics. Remember that? The opening statements alone took 8 hours! But by the end, thanks to a strong win in the rap battle and a decent showing in the pie eating contest, the nation had rallied behind my campaign. I’m proud of the online polls that clearly showed that I won that debate, with over 1.4% of the vote.
The last two weeks since then have been a blur – so many campaign events, podcast appearances, and rodeo calf roping exhibitions. I have never pandered as hard, or made so many hollow and ridiculous promises as I just did. Sorry, Star Trek fans — no executive order banning Star Wars is coming — you’re going to have to deal with a new movie of decreasing quality every 6–9 months from now until the end of days.
And so it led here, to this moment, to me at this podium, wearing this 3 wolf moon shirt as part of the campaign promise I made to the Internet trolls of Wyoming. A new day dawns for our nation, one of peace, prosperity, a lot fewer aliens and soon a lot more tequila. Also some martial law, but more on that later.
We did it, America. We did it!
Side question – when do I get my first paycheck? I’m really behind on some bills.