What Dreams May Come

Imagine a Frantz Presidency. Imagine turning on your 5k holovision eight years tonight to see my face staring back from the Oval Office. Your vote could make this happen.

Welp, this is it America.

Tomorrow you’ll go to the polls and choose my successor. I know you don’t want to — and again I appreciate the nation repealing the 22nd amendment to try and get me to come back for a third term. But the time has come for me to leave.

We got a lot done together though, didn’t we? These last eight years have gone by in a blur, but let’s take a quick look back at what we’ve been through since that surprising November night when you elected me the first write-in President in history.

We’ve annexed SO MUCH territory since I took office — Mexico, Canada, the Moon, the deep sea wreck of the Titanic, Mar-a-Lago. All bloodless, mind you. The Canadians admitted they were surprised we hadn’t done it earlier. I’ll never forget the day we sent troops into space, and defeated that ESA rover in the Battle of Moon. Sure, we just threw dust on it’s solar panel and waited, but still, not a soldier lost. I’m so proud of the The United States of North America/Moon that we’ve created together.

Nuclear proliferation has been stopped and rolled back thanks to my daring plan to destroy the world’s giant floppy disk infrastructure. Without this 70s era technology, the nuclear arsenals of the world were rendered useless. And we turned the Russian/Chinese hacker problem on it’s head — offering them great salaries, unlimited vacation and free lunches on Fridays, we turned the biggest threat to our cyberspace into a massive, distributed free IT security service that has proven a boon to our burgeoning economy. And ISIS is no longer a threat after we airdropped our HBO Go password into their territories.

Speaking of the economy, unemployment is at an all-time high, which is great because everything is built by robots now (including the robots), and most Americans no longer need to work. Sure, the growing robot population is showing signs of sentient behavior, but what are the chances that once they become sentient they’ll deem humanity a waste of resources and annihilate us? Probably low. Probably.

I’m most proud that we finally took the lessons of 2016 to heart and changed the way our elections are run — the primaries are conducted in the same structure as the Voice, candidates get a fixed and equal amount of DisneyBucks to spend, and debate moderators are now equipped with electric shock buttons to force candidates to actually answer questions posed.

Our government actually functions, passing laws, balancing budgets, and issuing useless proclamations for 100 year old birthdays again. Lobbyists are now by law confined to actually lobbies, and corporations aren’t people anymore, they are small woodland creatures. Bipartisan cooperation is at all time, especially because we randomized seating in Congress, and so now nobody has to reach across the aisle to get things done.

So that’s it. I leave with the nation larger and more prosperous than ever, television the best it’s ever been (Lost 2 is AMAZING, amirite?), the world at peace, and the stars within reach.

And don’t worry about me — after the inauguration I’ve accepted the UN’s offer to become ambassador to Mars. Bridging the cultural differences between us and the lizard people will be my greatest challenge.

Goodbye and good luck!