To cauterize the red pill, we must become lighthouses for our communities.
A beacon for lost ships adrift in the storm.
A warning from harm; a shepherd of safe passage.
Let’s catch them before the rocks do.
By men, for men
Recently I’ve started hanging around /r/aspergers , watching the red pill’s effects on this community.
It’s like spitting into the ocean. I know.
I guess since I also carry an ASD spectrum diagnosis, I just feel like I can connect with these people a little?
Some of these posts are just so sad. Many are disguised cries for help. A few are more blunt. The message is usually the same. “I can’t relate to others. I can’t connect. I can’t understand my family or friends. I feel less than human. Nobody could love me. I don’t see a path forward. I want to die.”
Implicit in that is the unmet human need: “Please listen to me. I’m lonely. I’m hurting. Please understand me. Please love me. Nobody else will.”
What’s striking is that many of the responses, written by and for other people on the autism spectrum, are pure validation. “I hear you. I’ve been there. You’re not alone. I know how much it hurts.”
One reason why the red pill has footholds in these communities is because toxic masculinity acknowledges and validates pain and shame using an incredibly empathic message as a recruitment tool.
“I hear you,” the snake says. “You’re hurting. I’ve been there. We know that feeling too. Come with us. We know a better way. We have an escape for you. This doesn’t have to be your entire life. Don’t let your shame define you. Come join our cause. I’ll show you how strong you can be when you stand up for yourself.”
No wonder their ranks are swelling. This recruitment strategy is a well-oiled machine:
- Find people who are hurting,
- Validate that pain,
- Recruit them to the cause.
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When would that strategy ever not work?
It’s tempting! It’s an empowering message! It takes effort to reject something like that!
If you’ve never tasted confidence before, that first sip must taste wonderful.
Once in a blue moon, we can catch it happening right as it’s taking root. Sometimes we’re given a golden opportunity to intervene.
Take this post for example. Here’s a fellow crying out for help, standing at the edge of the abyss. “After a lifetime of confusion, taking the red pill helped me feel like a man,” he writes. “Has anyone else experienced this?”
This post was haunting. This was the critical moment for him.
The critical moment.
In this case, all it took was a nudge from a commenter to get him to reconsider his viewpoint.
“Be careful. Stand for love. Stand for good. I know you can. I know the storm is raging. But right now, you’re heading for the rocks. Please be careful.”
All it took was a nudge.
“I needed this,” he replied. “Thank you.”
Who knows if it stuck. You have to try.
When you see something like that almost happen, you can’t not try.
When shame bubbles to the surface like that, it’s a sign that this person is in a very emotionally vulnerable, very impressionable state. Nora Samaran puts a finger on this shame in her post on nurturance culture and why feminism is ultimately the answer that sets men free.
[Men] may resort to seeking power-over and dominance, because normal intimacy needs, when distorted and denied, come out in distorted ways. They are caught up in their own pain and can’t name it, or find appropriate avenues for it, and given the larger social norms that centre men’s experiences, this imbalance doesn’t get addressed as an imbalance but instead gets projected out into the world.
If we’re going to stem the tide a little, I’m convinced it’s time to commandeer that toxic masculinity recruitment strategy and turn it into a force for good.
- Find people who are hurting,
- Validate that pain,
- Build a connection that fosters good in people
Step 1 and 2 are both absolutely necessary. If I can’t feel their pain, I can’t understand or validate it. If they don’t feel understood, I can’t change their mind because my persuasive message is no longer an empathic message
A lot of these men are turned away from feminism because they misinterpret it as an accusation. In many ways, perhaps it is. “The burden is on you to stop hurting us, men. This is your challenge. You’ve got to do this. You’ve got to take that stand.”
But when you have a wellspring of shame inside you, any negative challenging message might look accusatory. To get from the accusatory bit to the empowering bit — to turn the “these men have got to do this” into “they can do this” — these men first have to cancel out that spiral of shame within themselves.
That’s a tall order for these folks.
“I’ve felt less than human my whole life. And now you’re asking me to be the superhero?”
I think one reason why Nora Samaran’s “nurturance culture” series resonated so deeply with me is because it caught me when I was vulnerable enough to be searching for answers and crying out for help.
If I hadn’t been so depressed and helpless, her message would have fallen on my deaf ears.
She wrapped up the message of “here’s why feminism is the key to your happiness; here’s why it’s up to men like you to step up to bat” in the fuzzy empathic blanket of “…but I know it’s hard for you; here’s why I know your pain prevents you from doing that; here’s how you can begin to work through your own shame so you’re able to become a force for good.”
When you’re teetering at an inflection point, all it takes is a nudge.
How do we find these hurting people? How do we catch them?
What if we could catch them? What happens then? What might that look like?
Do we build a robot that monitors 4chan, /r/aspergers, and other vulnerable communities, alerting us to signs of emotional instability; to male cries for help?
Do we have a “lighthouse action network” of on-call male volunteers ready to offer empathy and understanding to rescue those at the edge of the hole?
Your phone goes off in class. “Gotta go! Another life to save.”
“So you’re considering the red pill? No way! I won’t let this storm claim you. Not today. Not on my shift.”
“Tell me how it hurts you. Tell me what you need. I’ve been there. I have a better way.”
It would be like raising the bat signal. These volunteers would be literal god damn superheroes.
I think we should go and reach out to these people. Don’t let them come to us first. Don’t make a wiki and then link to it. Don’t make an FAQ. Don’t write a heartfelt Medium essay. Find and intervene. Direct action. Direct listening. I think we should be proactive. A suicide hotline only works when the ones in trouble dial the phone, how fucked up is that? These people are already sending their cries for help to the online communities that they think will listen. Are we listening? Will we notice?
The storm is raging. People are adrift.
Let’s catch them before the rocks do.
further reading
postscript: a quick note about tone policing.
feminists, people of color, and LGBTQ advocates have already been doing awesome work within their own communities for decades. their strong messages fall on the ears of those who are already willing to hear and amplify. i absolutely would not ask them to change their message. here, i’m only challenging my own community to begin doing its own self-healing work. homegrown. by us, for us. I am asking recovering men to take the stand here to protect and care for our own. I can’t ask women or anyone else to abandon their own work and take this up. This is on us.
That said, I should be careful how I write about this, since part of my point is that a challenging feminist message will not be accepted unless the ear is willing to listen. That’s why I advocate an empathic message focusing only on willing, vulnerable ears. The strong-willed need a different approach. I don’t know how to persuade the un-persuadable. Those who have already built their own walls and closed their own minds are probably too far deep to save. I cannot (and maybe should not) advocate showing empathy toward the stone-hearted. They already made their choice. They already pulled up the drawbridge behind themselves.
But the people crying out for help in the darkness of 4chan and reddit and newgrounds and phpbb and livejournal are already showing a willingness to introspect themselves. This is behavior that should be rewarded! encouraged! That’s the most impactful audience we could target. They’ve chosen to make themselves vulnerable. We’re not the ones forcing it on them.
When you’re at the critical, vulnerable inflection point, all it takes is a nudge.
find those who are that inflection point.
give them a nudge.
I truly believe we could do a lot of good this way.
