Cruz Knows What’s Up

An endorsement of Ted Cruz for President of the United States, because he knows his geography.

Image Credit to Gage Skidmore

Ted Cruz is a firm believer in the Constitution and its commitment to freedom of religion, as evidenced by his desire to accept Christian Syrian refugees but not Muslim ones. We know that this document, second in its importance only to the Bible, guarantees true Americans the right to bear arms. This is an issue very close to Cruz’s heart, demonstrated by the passion-filled rally he gave at a gun shop in Johnston, Iowa. Some idiots may criticize him for insensitivity because the event was held days after the San Bernardino shooting. They would be wrong. He cares deeply about those affected:

Cruz knows that the American people need to be armed as protection from all the crazies out there — more people having guns decreases gun violence, as evidenced by this study.

“Yet what do Democrats say?” said Ted Cruz in a scathing take-down of the left’s bullshit, “These gun control laws, we need more of them.”

It’s true — gun control does nothing. Nothing!

But Cruz’s effort to defend your right to own multiple assault rifles is not the only reason you should vote for him! He’s also a loving family man. Just look at this glorious picture posted on his campaign website.

What a wholesome scene. He can even make them bacon using his machine gun! In 2013, showing true dedication to his family, he took a few moments during a most important waste of everyone’s time — I’m sorry, Obamacare filibuster — to read his daughters a bed-time story.

Okay, okay. You get it. He likes his guns, his gun-bacon, and his family. “So what?” you ask, “Lots of people like bacon!” But do all people like small government? Cruz adores small government. He adores small government so much that he wants it to involve itself with people’s vaginas.

Damn. A pro-life candidate who opposes gun control. Pretty sweet. . . and he also has whole bushels of true Americans praying for him.

Other great things about him include his endorsement of a flat tax and his desire to rip up the Iran deal on his first day of wearing the POTUS hat.

With the instatement of Cruz’s Simple Flat Tax, the tax code will become both fair and easy to understand. The income tax rate will be 10%, constant just like the cost of basic needs, no matter how much money you earn. The middle class won’t get much of a tax deduction, but that’s okay. The upper class would have their rate reduced a whole lot. See, the awful taxes currently in place are “progressive” which means that the more money you make, the more you’re taxed. Taxing the people that can afford it? More like STEALING from the people that don’t deserve it! And while what Cruz markets as a 16% business flat tax is really a 19% sales tax, consumers don’t have to worry about anything. The price of the product will just be higher — no more pesky calculating to see if something fits in your budget. Who cares if this plan costs the government tax revenue? We can just cut, I don’t know, welfare or education. Take your pick.

Now that you know how great Cruz’s financial planning skills are, it’s time to talk about what a disaster the Iran deal was. Anyone who tells you that the deal prevents Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon is an unpatriotic liar. Even though the international community will drop economically devastating sanctions back on Iran if they go against their word, we obviously can’t trust them. Before the deal, Iran could’ve made a nuclear weapon in at least 2 months. If they break the deal and start making a nuclear weapon now, it will take them at least a year. That’s hardly an improvement — how will we catch them in time? Obama claims that Iran will not be allowed to inspect their own facilities. He claims that they will be subject to “robust monitoring” by the International Atomic Energy Agency, but can we really trust Obama either?

God, I hope Ted Cruz gets elected. America will be popular with all foreign nations once we show that any compromise made could come to an abrupt end with the election of a new leader!

In conclusion, as the man himself put so elegantly:

“If you’re a gun-grabbing, big government, debt-loving, weak-America leftist, then a Cruz campaign is your nightmare.”

Indeed. #CruzCountry


A few more bits of wisdom from Ted Cruz, just to hammer my point home, in case some of you are on-the-fence about being a true American or being a bleeding-heart liberal scumbag.

On guns and terrorism, because he isn’t missing the point:

“Folks in the media ask on behalf of the Democrats, ‘Isn’t it insensitive to do a Second Amendment rally after the shooting?’ I really don’t view our job as being sensitive to Islamic terrorists.”

On geography:

Having spent the past month up in D.C., it is really great to be back in America.

On science:

And the problem with climate change is there’s never been a day in the history of the world in which the climate is not changing.
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