Entry 2: Becoming Warrior
Location: Lake Atitlan
Date: June. 16th, 2017
Yesterday Meg I went to go have an Akashic Record reading here in San Marcos. I was nervous the entire time because I haven’t felt particularly magical or otherworldly for some time. I’ve felt somewhat attuned — guided, but not fully tapped in, which initially, is why we chose to come to the lake in the first place.
But we started our journey off on the entirely wrong foot — alcohol, coke, dumb food, weed, more alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol.
I’d planned on being completely clean once I got here, but old habits die hard.
Now we have a little over two weeks left — well exactly two weeks. Don’t quite know where we’re heading yet. I’ve barely put a dent in this project that’s due August 15th. I’m trying hard not to be stressed or disappointed — and to be grateful, excited, optimistic.. buoyant. I’m trying.
What’s wild is my reading reflected all of this back to me yesterday. That I have to look inside for home — for peace. That my external environment has very little to do with bringing home or peace into my life, and that you bring your internal issues — - all that you’re “running” from, everywhere you go.
I don’t know what I’m running from, and consequently, don’t know what I’m running towards. I’m still feeling very much fuzzy/ unclear — borderline lost.
But intuition lead me here, synchronicities lead me here, so I know I’m at least on the right path. I just have to continue to listen to voice — to spirit.
I want so much. And perhaps that’s the problem. My want. I had gotten to a point, in my mid-twenties, where I didn’t want for anything. I was very much content chilling my life away. Making art. Meeting groovy people. Living for experience — all that. But the last couple years I’ve wanted SO much.
Money. Luxury. Influence. Power. To not only be surrounded by groovy people, but AMAZING people. People that impress me — that have and/ or are accomplishing great things — that are striving for excellence.
I want to be remembered. I want to change my community — the world.
And I’m not sure whether these wants are driven by ego, or driven by destiny, because aside from the brief couple years, in my mid-twenties, when I rescinded all these wants, I’ve ALWAYS felt this way.
Since I was a small child.
That I wasn’t “regular”, that I was put here for a purpose, greater than I could ever imagine.. that I was tapped into a knowledge — a knowing — that my peers weren’t.
But that sounds a lot like ego.
At times, I wish I was born during simpler times. But I know to the core of me that feeling is without root.
The times were living through, though chaotic — though uncertain — are the most fascinating times this planet’s witnessed in recorded history.
It’s the best show in the universe. And I — we’re — blessed enough to be a part of it. These times are ripe for opportunity. Perhaps that’s why I feel driven to DO; there’s so much to be done. So much to be improved. Shifted. And the stakes are ridiculously fucking high.
To not participate, all of us, is to do our children, and their children — our species — our planet a disservice.
There’s quite literally nothing else to live for.
Perhaps this is a time to let ego thrive — to tweak it’s connotation — to associate it with power, enthusiasm, positive self-esteem, vision, clarity — and to let humble rest.
Humble’s never gotten things done.
Passivity’s never gotten things done.
This idea of warrior — power, all encompassing POWER — has been on my mind and heart quite heavily over the course of the last year.
Now isn’t the time to be meek.
The only way the meek shall inherit the earth, is if they garner the strength — the collective strength to walk outside themselves — in power.
If they garner the strength to be warrior.
That’s the only way.
. . . I’m not lost — I’m finding my way.
I know I can’t accomplish what I aim to accomplish alone. But, I have my partner — my heart . . . And maybe.. maybe that’s all I need, right now.